How To Give and Receive Compliments
Do you know how to give (and receive) a compliment? I know that sounds like a daft question but you’d be amazed at the number of people who struggle with this.
When was the last time you gave someone a genuine compliment? And when was the last time you batted back a compliment given to you to someone? It’s a useful skill to have. We all need to get over ourselves and spread a bit of joy and kindness around. Complimenting someone at work doesn’t diminish your contributions; it enhances them. It’s like love. Loving one person doesn’t mean you have used up your quota of love for ever. It naturally expands. Compliments are exactly the same (when genuine).
Everyone Loves Positive Feedback
It doesn’t matter how senior you get, someone taking the time to notice something you’ve done is always lovely. As you progress in your career you’ll realise that compliments for senior roles tend to dry up. There are a lot of reasons for this but your need for some validation, some feedback, doesn’t dry up. If anything, it increases as there are fewer people to benchmark yourself against.
Years ago, when I had a proper job, I was at a large corporate affair and complimented one of the senior management team on her presentation. It was spontaneous; it had been really good and I’d enjoyed listening to it so I just said it. She looked at me in grateful surprise and said:
‘One of the aspects about being in a senior post is that people rarely say things like that to me. They assume that you can do it easily, or should be able to do it easily, so no one ever says anything. I’ve never stopped being nervous about public speaking so I’m glad it didn’t show. Thank you for saying that’.
We actually went on to become good friends, which was not the point of my saying what I did, it was a genuine compliment, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t help me in my role.
Making Connections With a Genuine Compliment
It taught me a valuable lesson about the power of a sincere and genuine compliment. It helps you connect with colleagues, it can extend your network. Giving a compliment spreads a tiny bit of joy. We all appreciate it, at whatever level we are.
To make a genuine connection, only give genuine compliments, however, do remember you need to balance them with appropriate and considered criticism. If you only ever give indiscriminate praise your contributions will be devalued, see below. When you get the balance right people will value what you say all the more and they’ll take all your comments more seriously.
A well thought out compliment, which shows you’ve been listening, is always well received. If you practice it regularly you’ll also enhance your listening skills. Listening well is also good for your career.
Give A Sincere Compliment
How do you feel about giving someone a compliment? Many of us are quite shy, or reluctant, when it comes to giving compliments. We feel that we may be thought of as insincere, or worse, sucking up to someone. Very occasionally we may feel (if we’re really honest) that us acknowledging how well someone has done something diminishes us somehow. It doesn’t; there is no end to how much kindness the world can take so spread it around.
Being able to give a genuine and sincere compliment reveals a high level of emotional intelligence. That is a very good leadership quality to develop.
To give a genuine and sincere compliment you need to have taken notice of a person. That is a very respectful thing to do. We all respond positively to a compliment that we believe is genuine (even if sometimes we find it hard to know how to respond – more about how to receive compliments later).
Why Give a Compliment?
Well, it’s part of our human interaction. It can be a conversation opener:
‘I really like those earrings you are wearing, they bring out your eye colour. Where did you get them?’
In this statement you are saying I have noticed you, I am not making an anodyne ‘you look nice’ comment but I have actually noticed you as a person. I am complimenting you on your taste in jewellery and I am showing that I would like to converse with you. I am also asking you an open ended question. It’s like giving a little conversational gift.
Praise Is Better Than Criticism
Did you know, it has been researched (although in all honesty I cannot remember where I got that little snippet from -it feels about right, though) that we need about seven pieces of praise to wipe out the effects of one negative comment? So be specific when you give your compliment. Tell people what it was that they did well.
Comment and compliment on the behaviours that you like and hold back on criticising those you don’t like. For example, after a team meeting it can be far more effective to say:
‘I really was impressed with the way that you handled that difficult question without getting angry’.
Tactfully leave out the fact that they got really narky with the first questioner…
Receiving a Compliment
Sometimes, however good we are at giving compliments out compliments we bat away any attempts by others to return the compliment. The gift analogy will help with this, too.
Think of receiving a compliment as you would receiving a gift. Sometimes it’s an awful gift that is almost certainly going to get regifted to the nearest charity shop. Generally, though, people give us a gift from a good place. And generally, we receive it graciously and say thank you. Compliments are little gifts to you so say thank you. Just say a simple thank you.
Focus on the Positives
Try and focus on the good in people, and share your positive thoughts. You never know, it might just make you feel like you’re actually surrounded by kind, competent, and interesting people. And the research tells us that they will probably find you to be more kind and competent as well.
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on May 16th, 2022 by Jane
