How To Deal With Criticism
It’s a very good skill to know how to deal with criticism. No one likes being criticised. Yet if we’re to continue to develop professionally it’s important to hear what people don’t like as well as what they do. If we want to improve sometimes we have to hear it all. In the world of work receiving criticism gracefully can be an essential skill in getting ahead. (So can rebutting it, and I’ll cover that briefly at the end.) It comes up frequently in my coaching sessions.
I’m not sure if women take criticism more personally, but I do know they get more of it than their male counterparts. (See Which Word Is Used to Describe Women But Not Men?) Finding a technique which means we can deal with it positively is very important for our career progression, and our sanity.
Listening Is Your Super Power
I know, I’m always banging on about being a good listener but that’s because listening can be your super power. So few people can do it really well. Learn to listen well.
Listening to criticism isn’t easy but try and stop yourself automatically rebutting whatever is being said. It may be unjust and wrong, but let the other person say what they need to say. This can demonstrate a level of self confidence and is acknowledging the other person’s rights in this situation, whoever they are. So, keep your lips firmly closed and listen to what they are saying.
An essential part of listening is taming your mind. Once you realise that you’re getting a bit of a pasting most of us will be racing ahead to what we want to say next. That means we are not listening. You can’t listen if you’re formulating your reply. Sometimes it means we actually miss out on the good bits of the critique. Train yourself to take a deep breath and actually listen. Learn to listen well.
The thing about listening is that all of us love being listened to. It’s respectful. It can sometimes shorten the conversation, too. When people don’t think they have been heard they will keep on repeating themselves, to others as well as you. It ramps up the irritation factor and may even lead to them saying more than they really mean to in an effort to get your full attention.
Note: This means not looking at your lap top, phone or nails. Make appropriate eye contact. Even if this is a phone call they will know if you’re doing something else.
Acknowledge The Criticism
Well done you if you get as far as this without leaping in to defend yourself. Now you can speak. A quick word of warning, though. You’ve heard them out, (well done again, it’s not easy) now you need to make sure that you have understood before you respond.
There are several ways of doing this. You could paraphrase what you think they are saying to you. Or you can ask questions to confirm your understanding. Try not to have a stock phrase like ‘I hear what you’re saying‘…(honestly every time someone says that to me a little bit of me shrivels up and dies – I hate it). You need to be genuine, and not sound like you’ve just done an assertiveness course and learned your script off by heart.
If they are getting a bit heated and personal try not to rise to it, but calmly say:
‘I appreciate you are upset/angry/annoyed etc. However, please try and tell me what concerns you without getting abusive. What is it that I have done/not done that is causing the problem?’
Ask them to be specific, especially if they are resorting to wild generalisations.
They have a right to say what they feel but not at the expense of your rights. You have a right to be treated respectfully. It’s a two way process. Anger can breed more anger but so can calmness. Be the grown up. (This post on transactional analysis explains more)
Pause Before Responding
You don’t always have to respond immediately. If the criticism is of a piece of your work, such as a report, say you will look at it again in the light of what they have said and then respond. If they have been very personal, rather than respond while you are still smarting, you might say:
‘I’m feeling a little upset at the moment. It’s important that I understand this properly so I’ll reflect and talk to you about this later’.
Try not to get into recriminations of the ‘Well, your report writing isn’t so hot either‘ variety. It won’t really help and won’t get you any further advanced, however, satisfying it is in the short term.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
I do think emotions have a place at work. We’re not robots ,for heaven’s sake. It can be helpful to you if you take a few moments to acknowledge how you actually feel. You don’t have to share it but do try to recognise your own feelings. Is the criticism tapping into something else in your sub conscious? Maybe their words have awakened previous hurts, or are an echo of how significant people in your life have talked to you?
Be careful to respond as the adult as you are now, not the child you might have been when first given that criticism. For example, your boss says ‘I don’t like the conclusion of this report’ and you hear a teacher’s voice ‘ You’ll never amount to anything, stupid child!‘. Be as honest with yourself about your feelings as you can.
Is The Criticism Justified?
This is probably the most difficult part of receiving criticism but try to ask yourself, do they have a point? Are they correct? Was I too impatient with that colleague? Did I rush that last piece of work? Is it below my usual standard? If you decide that they do have a point, it’s a very adult and professional approach to take this on the chin and say, yes, they are right.
If they are not, then make clear that you do not dispute their right to make a critical comment, but you do not agree with what they have said because….and state your case.
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on May 25th, 2022 by Jane
