People pleasing, is it necessarily a bad thing? Can it be good for you? Are you a people pleaser? Will I stop asking questions…?
Sorry, yes I will because overall I’d probably describe myself as a people pleaser. I like making people feel happy. In coaching I want women to end their sessions feeling better about themselves. And what’s wrong with that? (Whoops, another question slipped out.)
Definition of ‘People Pleasing’
Well, I’ve just googled ‘People Pleaser.’ That was scary. Apparently people pleasing ranges from a sublimation of our own needs, fear of rejection, to a psychiatric condition! I obviously need help.
Or maybe I don’t sign up to that definition.
People pleasers, it seems, get taken for a ride, can’t say no so become doormats. In extreme cases that can be true. And it is also true that I have written on many of these topics. I frequently urge women to say no more often, (see Saying No Is Good For Your Career.) I even use the phrase People Pleaser.
Transactional Analysis and People Pleasing
I’m really keen on using some of the principles of transactional analysis when coaching. I find it helpful sometimes in explaining behaviours. There are five drivers in TA, they are ‘rules’ by which we manage our lives. The five are:
Be Strong
Please Others
Hurry Up
Be Perfect
Try Hard.
For the purposes of this post let’s focus on Please Others.
Please Others
This driver involves prioritizing the needs and feelings of others, sometimes above your own. Individuals with this driver are focused on being helpful but can neglect their own needs in the process. As long as you are aware of this tendency I don’t see any problems.
If you have this driver you are likely to be always checking out that folk are happy. You’re probably a very smiley person. You probably have high empathy skills, and are concerned for other people’s welfare. Generally you like to know people are comfortable and happy. You are nice to be around. You oil the wheels and make the world better place. Teams need people like you. In some professions I think being a people pleaser should be requisite! People like you and you like people.
And yet often being called a people pleaser is meant as a criticism, not a compliment.
So Why Is People Pleasing A Bad Thing?
Well, and I would say this, wouldn’t I, but…. I think it’s often viewed as a feminine trait and consequently not desirable in the world of work. (Although woe betide any woman who is strong and assertive as she’ll be labelled loud and difficult.) I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. I think the world would be a much better place if more people (any gender) were people pleasing now and again. Not ridiculously so, obviously, but with a concern for how others are and feel. I believe that may also be a definition of woke…and I am also proud to be woke!
Top Photo by EqualStock on Unsplash
Written using no AI whatsoever. Please do check out my charity coaching offer here –
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Posted on January 8th, 2026 by Jane
