Number three career tip. All of my career tips are based on issues that have come up during coaching sessions. This one I found particularly interesting and named it ‘defer to dad ‘syndrome because I love a bit of alliteration.
Tip 3: Treat Men as Equals
Often when I’m coaching we sometimes struggle to find just what is holding my coachee back. I was discussing this with a senior female executive who was finding her assistant director difficult to manage. Yet she had no problem with others in her team.
Suddenly I had a light bulb moment. Does he, I said, remind you of someone else?
It turned out he did. He reminded her of a manager who had bullied her severely early on in her career. In this case not her Dad but an older man who had power over her. Subconsciously she had changed her behaviour around him and was frightened of upsetting him. Once we’d identified this we had plenty to work with and a year later she went on to become CEO. We neutralised him, dear reader. And he didn’t feel a thing. (Well, he was not happy at her becoming CEO so he left.)
Career Tip – Senior Not Better
It is particularly noticeable with senior or older men in an organisation. Sometimes men will take a paternal attitude towards younger women coming through the management system. I experienced this myself. In my case the director had known me as a student. I’m pretty sure in his head I was still that young woman. Years later when I was in a more senior role he still didn’t take me seriously. I found myself trying to play to his rules. I think I was taking on a childlike role, rarely challenging him. My role was compromised.
When I finally realised and challenged him I was effectively ignored. I was metaphorically patted on the head. My report on the work we were involved in mysteriously disappeared. I left. It gives me no pleasure (I’m lying) to say that six months later he was out because everything went wrong. Exactly in the manner I’d predicted.
Not A Father Figure
If, on reflection, you realise that you find yourself behaving in a different way around senior males in the organisation, ask yourselves these questions:
Does he at some level remind me of my father or equivalent?
Why am I handing over my own personal power to him?
How do I act? What is different about the way I behave?
How do I want to be? What changes do I need to make?
And if you find this is happening then practise giving yourself the message ‘I am as good as him. I am an adult and will behave as one’. This article on Transactional Analysis may also be of interest.
If you’re interested in some career coaching do check this out.
Top Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on April 1st, 2026 by Jane
