Are you perfect? Well, obviously you are perfect, just as you are.
Although that may not be a great thing to be.
During a recent coaching session a client began talking about her need to be perfect. Although she didn’t actually use those words. The notion of having to be perfect was seriously hampering her career progress. Neither did it help her confidence in her abilities. This led us onto a discussion of the drivers of Transactional Analysis.
Are You Perfect & Transactional Analysis
Hundreds of books have been written on the topic of transactional analysis. When one of the first came out in 1969 (Games People Play, still available) it was hugely popular. It was one of the first ‘pop psychology’ books readily available. I recommend it as a starting point if you’d like to know more.
Simply put, Transactional Analysis is a theory about personality, how we communicate, and how that evolves from our childhood experiences. It can be really helpful in personal development. I often use bits of it when coaching or in my seminars. (However, as I am prone to repeating, it is only a theory so if it doesn’t work for you, fine.)
T.A Drivers And What They Mean
There are several parts to Transactional Analysis (or T.A. as it is commonly known) but I’m focusing particularly on Drivers here.
Transactional Analysis research has identified five drivers (or more simply, working styles). These five drivers can be thought of as ways in which people are sometimes motivated to behave.
The T.A. Drivers are:
- Hurry Up
- Be Strong,
- Please People,
- Be Perfect
- Try Hard
Which one are you? Are you perfect? Most of us will notice a preference for some drivers more than others. There are varying interpretations but usually one is a stronger driver of our behaviour that others, sometimes two. It’ll be related to messages we received in childhood from significant adults in our life.
I’ve listed below what each of the drivers mean. See if you can identify which might be yours from the brief descriptions. But don’t take it too seriously. It’s just a theory.
That said, it can be helpful though. Your dominant driver is most likely to show itself when you are feeling anxious. If you can recognise what is happening you can take steps to do something about it . This will help you manage your anxieties a little better. Which in turn will increase your confidence. And that will help you get noticed at work in a good way.
Hurry Up
The message is “I’m only OK if I hurry up”.
If you have a strong hurry up driver you will value speed. Slow people, ruminators, people who like to cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s will drive you crazy. The catch is that it might lead you to rush things and be prone to starting without thinking through consequences.
Hurry up people use words like “No time to lose”, Let’s get going”, “Come on”. Their tone of voice may be rushed with words getting scrambled, and they may be delivered in a staccato like fashion accompanied by foot tapping, checking of watch etc. Does it sound familiar?
Be Strong
The message is “I’m only OK if I’m strong”.
If you’re a woman with a ‘Be Strong’ driver, it will take control in a crisis not allowing emotion to get in the way. Obviously sometimes this is a very good thing. The catch however, is that ‘be strong’ women will perceive sharing or needing support as a weakness. (I might be speaking from personal experience here.)
Consequently, you don’t always get the support or development that you need. Phrases like “The thought strikes me that…” Distancing words like ‘one’ or ‘people’ are used when maybe they mean ‘I’. There is usually little in the way of facial or body expression and the tone can be flat. Body posture is often ‘closed’.
Please People
The message is “I’m only OK if I please people”.
Individuals with a strong please people driver will get on with others. The catch is you can’t please all the people all the time. People with a strong please people driver will often avoid confrontation which is essential in a healthy relationship.
Please others language includes lots of querying words and phrases like “Alright by you?” “It’s kind of…” “Sort of…” and their voice may rise at the end of each sentence. There will be lots of head nodding, reaching out of hands, usually palms up, and smiling. Unlike a non driver smile, the smile will be tense when in ‘please others’ mode.
Be Perfect – Are You Perfect?
The message is “I’m only OK if I’m perfect”.
Women with a strong ‘be perfect driver’ will put a lot of effort into getting it perfect, even when things don’t need to be perfect and ‘good enough’ would do. The catch is that some things will never be perfect and if this is you, you’ll struggle to compromise. You may adopt the traditional thinking pose in gestures, like stroking your chin, counting points off on your fingers as you speak. You’ll be continually tweaking things long after everyone else has lost interest and gone home. The tone of voice is usually neither high nor low but well modulated and adult sounding. Be perfect types may often look upwards while speaking as if seeking the perfect answer somewhere on the ceiling.
Try Hard
The message is “I’m only OK if I try hard”.
If you are a woman with a strong try hard driver, you’ll tend to put in a lot effort at work. You’ll have a lot going on. ( A lot of women fall into this category because, let’s face it, women still have to do better than men to progress.)
The catch is that you will take on too much and have a tendency to fail to recognise opportunities to work smarter instead of harder. The language of the ‘Try Harder’ will often make frequent use of the word try, unsurprisingly. “What I’m trying to tell you is…” “I will try and do that” What they are saying is “I’ll try to do that “rather than “I will do that”. They may tense their throat so they sound slightly muffled. Their body language is generally hunched, leaning forward with a crumpled face.
Which T.A Driver Are You? Are You Perfect?
I hope you’ve found it interesting to speculate on your driver. But do remember there is no one single reliable indicator. For example, just because someone uses the phrase “I’ll try” doesn’t mean they have a try hard driver.
That said, it is useful during coaching to make sense of some of our behaviours. Anything which increases our understanding of why we behave the way we do can only be a good thing. (Usually.)
P.S. I googled ‘perfect woman’ to find an image for this post. I can’t tell you what came up. All I’ll say is they were definitely a male idea of perfect women and featured very few clothes. Give me strength!
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on November 11th, 2021 by Jane
