Try these 10 steps to increase your assertiveness!
Being assertive often has a bad reputation; so much so that in one organisation I worked in we changed the name because it put people off signing up. Interestingly, even though the seminars were open to all genders, we usually had a ratio of about one man to every ten women. I think that was partly due to the fact that men think they should be assertive and are less likely to put themselves on a course. As well as women being routinely talked over, of course! Gender stereotyping isn’t helpful to anyone.
Assertiveness Training
When I’m running my assertiveness seminars, it is obvious that some people seem to be more naturally assertive than others; they have a degree of confidence in dealing with people. All sorts of life experiences contribute to that. But that doesn’t mean others can’t learn to be more assertive and acquire the skills necessary.
Once people understand that assertiveness is not about being aggressive, winning at all costs, putting others down, etc, we usually go full steam ahead. It’s great to get to the end of an assertiveness session and see how people have grown in confidence, even in just one day! (Check out Is Being Assertive Too Male?)
My Top Ten Techniques To Increase Your Assertiveness
Here are my ten top assertiveness techniques. They are techniques, behaviours to try out. Using them won’t necessarily get to the bottom of why you uniquely find it hard to be assertive. For that I recommend some coaching, attending a seminar, or taking RenewYou. That said, if you practise them regularly and you will really see if a difference. And that will give you a huge confidence boost.
1. Personal Space
We all have our personal space limits so make sure people keep to yours. It’s important not to let someone you don’t know intimately invade your space (this is passive aggressive behaviour; it’s manipulative). When you start to feel uncomfortable, that’s your cue.
Set your boundaries clearly, either verbally or non-verbally. You might, for example, step backwards to give yourself more space. Move your chair. During the Covid period we all had an excellent reason for owning our own space.
2. The Stuck Record
I’m slightly ambivalent about including this as it can turn out to be aggressive behaviour itself. But done correctly, with people you don’t need to have an ongoing relationship with (cold callers for example), it can be very useful.
This is what you do. You state clearly and politely what you want (or don’t want). When you meet with resistance you simply politely repeat it, again and again and… Just like a stuck record (if you’re old enough to get that analogy… or maybe young enough.)
3. Disclosure
Sharing some information about yourself can be very effective when you want to be honest and upfront about something you feel the listener may not fully be aware of, or understand. An example of this could be someone with hearing loss asking the other person to speak up because they are a hard of hearing. Or perhaps sharing how nervous you feel in a situation, and how you would welcome their support.
4. Fogging
Fogging is simply agreeing with what the other person is saying and not allowing it to get to you. Literally in through one ear and out the other. When someone criticises you, you agree by saying something like You’re right, my dress doesn’t really match my handbag,” or “I think you’re right, I have put on weight over Christmas; I ate too much.”
When you use the fogging technique it’s best to see all criticism as simple feedback. You let it ride over you and don’t get involved with what’s being said. It can be a really good way to defuse a verbal attack and shows your critic just how adult and confident you are.
5. Maintain Eye Contact
Good eye contact makes your listener feel that you respect them and it makes you look more confident to the other person. If you spend the conversation nervously glancing around you will look shifty, or gauche. Or. worse, look as if you don’t care or respect what the other person is saying. Be careful though, too much eye contact and it may look as if you are staring them out and cause more trouble than you bargained for.
6. Watch Your Body Posture
If you slouch down you are making yourself physically smaller and this can appear less confident; you may also appear lazy or shy. Nether do you want to be ram rod straight and military (unless you are military, of course!) Try to hold yourself comfortably ‘tall’ and walk slowly when entering a room and you will look more assertive, however you are feeling inside.
7. And When Seated
When you sit make sure you are sitting upright. It makes you feel more confident. It also makes you look more confident, which is important in how your message is received. Don’t cross you legs or fold your arms – it’ll make you look nervous or aggressive. Sitting up makes you look more alert, interested in the listener and interesting to the listener. And remember, people LOVE being listened to. Listening well is the first rule in being more assertive so make sure you show that you are listening as well as doing it.
8. On Listening
Make sure that you are actively listening. Keep practising active listening skills. Repeating briefly what the other person has said when appropriate is a good assertiveness skill to learn. Make sure you keep it short and don’t interrupt the speaker when they’re in full flow. You can use phrases like “Can I just check that I have this right, your view is…” or “So you’re saying… is this correct?”
9. Tone Of Voice
The tone of your voice matters. It’s easy to sound sarcastic, angry, timid etc whatever words you are using. Often when we get nervous our voice goes up a few octaves and a bit of a high pitched squeak comes out. This is not good to listen to and will weaken your points. You may speak faster, too, with everything coming out in a nervous full on rush.
If you have a tendency to speak quickly in stressful situations try silently counting to two each time before you speak. And a few calming breathes in through the nose helps, (but don’t hyperventilate).
If your voice tends to get higher pitched then imagining the sound coming out of your chest will help to keep it at a deeper tone making you sound more confident.
10. Value your Time
Value your time but also value others. If you are always late for meetings etc you are not being respectful of other people so can hardly expect to be treated with respect yourself. Also consider this: being consistently late for meetings or appointments can indicate a lack of self-worth. If you are always late spend some time thinking about why. However, don’t over compensate by giving lots of time to other people when it isn’t necessary. You need to value yourself first.
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on February 14th, 2022 by Jane
