Radiators or Drains?
Radiators or Drains? Have you come across that expression?
I hadn’t heard it at all until some years ago I was talking with a friend who had a serious health condition. It caused her to re-evaluate her life and think about who her real friends were. As a form of shorthand she divided them up into radiators and drains.
Giving Warmth
Radiators were those who left her feeling warm, who gave something back. They obviously had their own issues from time to time when they needed support, but generally, being with them was life enhancing and a positive experience. They were warm people who happily shared their joy and interest in life and quite simply, made her feel better about the world.
Radiators or Drains & Taking Energy
Drains were the opposite; they were literally energy draining people to be with and, took more from the friendship than they gave. They were focussed on their own issues and rarely properly listened to others. Time spent with them was exhausting, dispiriting and predictably downbeat. They may have started out as good friends but over time things had changed and only habit was keeping the friendship going.
Stocktake Your Radiators and Drains
It sounds cold hearted to talk about ridding yourself of drains but ask yourself, if a relationship is draining you of energy, why you are still in this relationship?
How do you feel about your friends? Is it time for your own stocktake?
When you see certain names pop up on your phone does your heart leap a little, or does a sigh escape your lips and guilt make you pick up? Scroll through your contacts list now and make a mental note of how many radiators it contains. I hope you have loads. If you don’t, well, maybe it’s time to fill your life with more sunshine and warmth and break some old habits? It’s not easy to end old friendships that have run their course, but sometimes it’s the most honest thing to do.
Radiators or Drains? Age Brings Wisdom
As I’ve got older I’ve got much better at eliminating the drains from my life. I realised I had a few friends who thought nothing of ringing me up at any time to discuss their problems but the process only went one way. I usually only heard from them when they were upset and needed an ear. It took me by surprise when I realised this. But the relationships were very one sided and left me feeling depleted and drained. I certainly did sigh when I saw their name on my phone.
When I first talked about this on what was then Twitter, I got some comments saying what a horrid person I was, not to freely give of my friendship. It’s hard but in the two cases I am thinking of I didn’t just ghost them, but tried to tell them things had changed. Even now if they get in touch I will always respond but I am no longer caught up in their lives. Gradually we have moved on. Ending toxic or one sided relationships is about respecting yourself.
What do Radiators Do?
I’ve pondered this a while. We all know radiators when we’re with them. They simply make us feel better. Time spent with one of life’s radiators always feels like time well spent. It’s nurturing and life affirming.
But what radiators actually do?
Well, it’s lots of things and I have had a happy half hour thinking about the many glorious radiators in my life. I think a large part of it is about paying attention. Radiators listen. They don’t just politely wait for us to finish before talking back at us, they actively listen to us and make reference to what we have said.
When we are genuinely listened to we feel respected, valued and good about ourselves. It helps us to express ourselves, often to find out what we actually think or feel. Being able to order our thoughts out loud is valuable. We share more of ourselves and they share in return. Our friendships deepen. Of course, conversation goes back and forth, and radiators freely share their own issues, too. But, crucially, they don’t leap in with their own experiences or views while we are trying to explain ours. Conversation is not a competition to see who can ‘top’ what’s just been said. The care shines through.
They are genuinely there for us, in the moment with us. Often just knowing they are there is enough, gently giving out a warm glow in the background. We know we are there for them and they are there for us.
How many radiators do you have in your life? I hope it’s many.
Photos via Unsplash, a professional service I pay for
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Posted on March 7th, 2024 by Jane
