So much of what I do when coaching is encouraging women not to be so modest; I’m a career coach for modest women. Are you overly modest when it comes to singing your own praises?
However, I have a confession to make.
I’m not that keen on selling myself in all honesty.
Housework is Better Than Promoting Yourself?
There, I’ve said it. It’s just not my thing. I prevaricate like mad, even to the extent of doing housework instead. Yes, really. The old ‘spam messages’ start kicking in. I feel like I’m showing off, (a major crime for girls when I was growing up – don’t get ‘above yourself’).
My negative head tapes say there are loads of people who can do what I do better than me. I think that other people will think I am big headed, unlikeable… the list goes on. You can probably add to it because you have probably done it yourself.
But, and a big BUT is coming, that said, I have an absolute passion for developing women, for making women feel more confident (I know, bit ironic), for seeing more women in positions of power, more women getting equal pay with their male counterparts, a more equitable and fairer world. I have to sell myself or no one will know about what I do and I won’t play my part in changing the world!
Why You Have to Stop Being So Modest
You have to do it, too. You have to let people know about your skills, your attributes and your experience. If you want to progress, to get the next job, start your own business, be a voice that is heard. You have to let people know about you and what you do. Sometimes you can get by with people just noticing you ‘by accident’, like I did when I first started Changing People. People knew my work from my previous career and sought me out. That may happen for you. It may… But to have some control in your career you need to get comfortable with owning your wonderfulness.
Own Your Own Talent
Generally speaking we women are not so happy with selling ourselves, owning our talent. Recruiters will tell you that women undersell themselves, I know it from my own days of interviewing for jobs. Men oversell themselves, generally, women do the opposite. When challenged as to why why so few women were featuring on their radio news, a BBC producer told me that women say ‘no’ more than men, men will say yes, even if they don’t know much about the subject. So they ring up the men first.
Is it a good thing that men are happy to talk on topics they don’t know much about and women aren’t? I’ll leave that for you to decide.
As it happens, I was asked to appear on a BBC Radio 4 flagship news programme but I found myself saying no. I don’t think I refused because I was being modest (or scared). They wanted to set me up in an argument with another woman, basically dissing a woman in the public eye for making a mistake. I just couldn’t do it. That adversarial style in the media is also why women often say no. (Women, This is Why Men Won’t Invite You to the Conversation)
Why do women undersell themselves?
The reasons are many and varied. It goes back to how both genders are socialised, our early experiences, how women and girls are presented to us in the media, the scorn poured upon successful, outspoken women. Not just scorn, but hostility, and downright threats. Women should not ‘get above themselves’. I was always frequently being told off for not being ‘ladylike’ and showing off was definitely not ladylike. I don’t recall either of my two brothers being told that.
For a while I ignorantly believed this was a hangover from the past. I used to think it might be a generational thing, and surely it doesn’t happen now? Then I watched the BBC programme on how differently boys and girls are taught in schools, how a perfectly lovely teacher was unwittingly (unconscious bias) treating the boys and girls differently. It showed how the boys had a superabundance of confidence (in general) and how the girls had very little. They saw themselves, aged 7, as inferior to the boys. In 2017! (see here for more on that here Boys and Girls and Gender Stereotyping.)
Women, Sell Yourself!
Occasionaly when working with women, I ask them to list 10 positive traits about themselves. Try it now. How quickly can you do it? Women always struggle with this.
If you’re having no trouble at all, well done, you. Most likely you managed three or four quite quickly then metaphorically began chewing the end of your pencil. Try to take a bit more time and get those ten written down. Look at them. Look at your list every day, repeat them to yourself out loud, talk yourself wonderful. Know that you are much more wonderful than you ever give yourself credit for. Be amazing! The world needs many more wonderful women. Own your wonderfulness!
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on March 9th, 2021 by Jane
