Who are you today?
Yes, I know you are you, but if you subscribe to the theory of Transactional Analysis you’ll know that there are many versions of you. T.A can be really useful in helping you understand more about who you are and why you respond the way you do at work. Especially to criticism, intentional or not. Being able to take criticism, (or constructive feedback as we coaches like to call it…) is an essential skill if you’re to get ahead at work.
So here’s one coaching question I frequently ask:
Is that your INNER CHILD responding? Or the CRITICAL PARENT? Or the mature, considered ADULT? Read on to find out.
Transactional Analysis
The theory of Transactional Analysis (T.A.) (and it’s only a theory so only use it if it’s helpful to you) says that at any given time we are operating in one of our three ego states. These are Parent, Adult, and Child. All three are perfectly appropriate in the appropriate place.
Parent Ego
Parent can be critical or nurturing, either a little inner voice encouraging us, or a nagging critical one, i.e. ‘You’ll never amount to anything’, ‘don’t get above yourself’. If you’ve experienced a lot of critical parenting style from significant adults in your life, this may affect your ability to hear feedback as anything but negative criticism. You will not respond from your assertive adult.
Child Ego
Child can be free and happy, expecting and used to getting praise, or adapted, in that our inner child is fearful of making a mistake, and will always seek to please adult figures in their lives. Naughty child is the one that deliberately pushes at the boundaries, for example, sitting at the back during meetings and passing notes to colleagues. (That might be me). If you’ve ever found yourself doing that you were probably in your Inner Child ego state.
Adult Ego
Adult behaviours are mature and direct and deal with the here and now, looking at the situation in front of them and making an appropriate response. Assertive and grown up. Surely that’s where we all want to be at work?
Classic T.A Example of Being All Three in 30 Seconds
Here’s an example of how all three states can reveal themselves in a few minutes.
Imagine you are driving happily down the motorway. A car suddenly undertakes you and you are forced to take evasive action to avoid a crash. You do so competently and immediately and avert a crisis. You are well within your Adult ego state.
Then your naughty child emerges and you think ‘I’ll show ’em’ and you begin to increase your speed until you are driving a very dangerous few feet from the bumper of the offending car, flashing your lights and making obscene gestures (I guess most of us know what I’m talking about here!) This is most definitely your naughty Child.
Eventually you pull back and start muttering that the driver should not be on the road at all; people like them are all idiots and where are the police when you need them etc. You may even find yourself repeating phrases that your parents have actually used. Yep, Critical Parent is at work here.
Whether you subscribe to the T.A. theory or not, I think it’s useful model to grasp when you sometimes find yourself behaving less than professionally at work. Just ask yourself, “who’s the adult here?”
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on November 11th, 2021 by Jane
