I’ve got to be honest, I am frequently stopped by people and asked:
“Jane, how come you look so wonderful all the time? Gosh you only look about 66. Please share your secret.”
To which I smile to myself and then answer,
“Well, my secret is I am 67 and frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.“
What Does Ageing Mean To You?
Actually, I just made that bit up in an attempt to be amusing. No one has ever stopped me and said that. But bits of it are true. I am almost 67 at the time of writing and I genuinely don’t give a damn. I have a wealth of experience and knowledge and I’m proud of that. It was hard earned. I am a much better coach/trainer now that I would have been at 30.
But no one is going to compliment a woman by actually using their real age. No, we are patronised (it is actually patronising when you really think about it) by being told a number much younger than people think we are, as some weird kind of compliment. As in ‘we all know you’re old and that is an awful and terrible thing to be so we are going to pretend that you don’t look your age, and that will be a nice thing for us to do.’
Unless that is you’ve over 75. Something seems to happen at 75 when suddenly boasting about your age is seen as sweet and worthy of applause.
‘Yes, I’m 79!’ we announce to anyone who cares to listen. Cue admiration all round. If you ever hear me doing that you have my permission to slap me (gently because I’ll be 79). Although I’m not immune. My first reaction when someone says a surprised ‘How old did you say you were?’ is a spasm of pleasure swiftly followed by What the hell, why is that making me feel good?’
Well, we probably know the answer to that; it’s lifetime of brainwashing about the older woman being of less value.
Can You Answer This Question Honestly?
Here’s my question to you.
When you hear the phrase ‘older woman’ what images come to mind? Answer honestly. Most are probably not good. That’s what we need to address. We can’t change societal attitudes (well, not overnight) but we can change our own. That will increase our confidence and more confidence in ourselves will increase our success (whatever that is: that’s for you to decide).
Challenge Your Perceptions of Older Women
Getting older for anyone can be a bit of a minefield, but it comes into a class of its own when we’re talking about us women.
Way back in 2010 I coined the term ‘femageism‘ to describe the particular type of age discrimination reserved for women. I could just as easily have talked about invisibility. It’s quite incredible how unseen the older woman becomes. It could be a super power except when we do something deemed as ‘wrong’ (ie wearing clothes not approved of by society in general) everyone seems to see us in super technicolour and feel able to share their views.
It is a fact that there are lost of negatives associated with getting older. Older women are discriminated against at work, in pensions, (you can check that story out here) and in all areas of life.
We even discriminate against ourselves. I frequently do it automatically, too, but then I check myself. You’ve no idea the trauma it caused me having to make videos. I had so many unworthy thoughts from Oh God, I look so old and fat (definitely slap me gently for that one) to who wants to watch an old woman?(cue more gentle slapping). I did get over it though and now have made loads(see here for my Changing People You Tube Video channel).
How To Survive The Negative Effects of Femagism
Here are some of my tips to stop yourself getting caught up in the negative vortex that is femageism:
- Never ever say ‘in my day’. It is always your day until you pop your clogs.
- Manage your own spam messages about ageing (RenewYou has a whole section on that).
- Don’t simper when people tell you you look younger that you are. Look puzzled instead.
- Don’t underplay the wealth of experience and life insights you have. Be a wise witch.
- Never criticise another woman for what she is wearing or praise someone for looking young. Praise them for their skills and talents. Be specific.
- Become a mentor, share your knowledge.
- Know the world you are living in. You are a vibrant, important part of the now so don’t pretend not to know what TikTok is. Or whatever. Be present.
- Have friends of all ages. Don’t discriminate.
- Keep being curious about life, keep developing. That never ends. We are never so finished that we can give up on learning.
- Don’t be defined by what other people think. Wear what the hell you want. Wear what makes you feel good.
- If you’re young, one day you will be old. It’s in your interests to challenge the stereotypes now. Your older self will thank you for it.
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on October 6th, 2022 by Jane
