Yes, a simple nod can be gender biased. Well, when I say gender biased, I mean that it conveys a different meaning when the nod comes from a man or from a woman.
There are a lot of differences in communication between men and women. Broadly speaking, business communication, and ‘rewarded’ styles of communication have evolved from men’s style of speaking. We women were not around to be influential. There is a fascinating book, Duels and Duets – Why Men and Women Talk So Differently, written by John F Locke. I recommend it.
He says men are taught to duel and women to duet. (Yes, it’s all in the title.) It’s also interesting because most books on communication styles are written by women (Deborah Tannen, Abby Kaplan, Mary Talbot, to name a few). Obviously we have a vested interest in changing the status quo.
A Nod Can Be Gender Biased
How can a nod be gender biased? Well, observations of meetings by linguists, social researchers, psychologists etc show that when a woman nods in a meeting , for example, she means ‘I understand.’
A man means ‘I agree, go on to your next point.’
Women do not mean they agree but are indicating their comprehension and willingness to listen to more. But men think they have agreement. Can you see the potential for conflict here…?
Women’s Talk is Valued Less Than Men’s
We women have definitely been at a disadvantage if our talk is seen as being of less than value than men’s. Some women try to rectify this by aping male behaviours. There was even an inglorious period when professional women were taking testosterone to be more male like! Maggie Thatcher famously lowered her voice.
Unfortunately, the research seems to suggest that it is still the case that men value women’s talk less. Plenty of studies show men believe women talk too much. Unfortunatley they also reveal that women think we talk too much. We’ve been brainwashed. The reality is that at work men actually talk a more than women. Doesn’t that that say something quite powerful about how we are socialised to perceive women’s talk? As the wonderful Mary Beard says:
We have not yet learned to hear authority in women’s voices
It’s long been a topic of fascination to me, working with women as I do to promote confidence and call out gender inequality.
Should Women Change How They Talk At Work?
Does it mean we should change our style, try and talk like men, or does it mean we should educate all our workforce? Or will the issue disappear when more women are in positions of power in the workforce and creating new norms? How can we get out points across without getting the labels of shrill, bossy, etcetera, (see infographic below on how often women are critic
The danger of a blog like this is that it could be seen as yet another means of telling women what to do. Heaven knows we have enough of that around… I am firmly in the camp of educate people about gender biases. Women should not have to behave like men to get ahead! Unfortunately, women are much more invested in this than men so it will often fall to us. Which is a bit of a Catch 22 as women’s voices are not heard… But we have to start somewhere.
If you are a professional woman you will almost certainly have suffered from gender discrimination. I have a downloadable course called SpeakUp which will help you both recognise it, look at the research, and try out some exercises to combat it. I also regularly coach women.
Never give away your power. The world needs more amazing women!
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on February 6th, 2023 by Jane
