How to be an angry woman – a guide
I should say right at the top that angry women get a very bad rap for being angry. How to be an angry woman – a guide.
Women who get angry at work get penalised. People get angry with them for being angry…
Angry men are viewed as strong, principled. Their anger is seen as a strength, a sign of virility, good leadership. But then if you’re a woman you knew that already. (If you’re a man, think about how you view angry women – you’ve been socialised, too.)
We Need More Angry Woman At Work
The only way to change this is to have more women in significant positions of power who get angry. If that makes you angry (I am sure it does), channel that anger to produce change. Use your anger to power yourself through. Yes, it’s a Catch 22. I am so angry that women can’t be angry. I’m really angry that no one listens to an angry woman. This includes other women because we’ve all been socialised this way. (Be aware of your own biases.) That said, I want people to know and understand that fact. I want to challenge the status quo and I want people to listen to me.
That is the perennial problem for women in the workplace. How can we challenge the status quo yet be true to ourselves and not ape male behaviours?
Women Compromise On Their Anger
I’ve been coaching women for decades, frequently women in leadership positions, or heading that way. I’ve written courses for women helping them progress. It’s always my aim to give you some helpful tips, not tell you stuff you already know from your lived experience. So, what follows are my tips on how to be angry, of course, but still getting your message across.
For centuries women have had to learn to hide their anger.
Which is why this is not going to be an easy exercise. I am also mindful that just because anger is seen as ‘good’ leadership attribute for men to have, it doesn’t necessarily follow that women have to express it in the same way. You don’t have to look far to see the awful things said about women who get angry in politics, for example. They echo so many of the comments made about women through time – ‘Calm down, dear.’
Difficult Conversations
Anger is one of the most primal and complex feelings in the range of human emotions. Although in itself it’s neither good nor bad, its misuse causes a great deal of problems, particularly if it surfaces in the workplace. And especially if you are female. If you get angry other people are less likely to listen to why you are angry.
Does that mean we women always have to second guess ourselves? I think, if we’re aiming to rise high in our chosen field, at least initially, it does, although it grieves me massively to say that. I’ve coached too many women to know that just saying ‘get angry, be true to yourself‘ isn’t usually helpful.
Anger is not bad per se as it is sending us a clear signal that something isn’t right for us. Anger is the way we have changed things throughout time. If you continually suppress your anger you will be much more likely to get ill. As a woman you will have been socialised to suppress it. In fact, everyone around you will have been socialised to regard women’s anger as a bad thing.
This is my attempt to provide some helpful coaching tips for women at work. What follows is mainly relevant to the workplace, not life in general.
Tips for Women for ‘Managing’ Anger At Work
Recognise Your Rights
Number one tip is to recognise that you have every right to be angry. This will take practice because of the opprobrium meted out to angry women and girls.
If you can, try and be really specific with yourself about what is making you angry about your workplace. It can help to write it out as a statement ‘I am angry because….’
Review Your Feelings About Being An Angry Woman
Look at your statements, your feelings. Now try and analyse the reasons why this makes you angry. This is the message you will want to convey.
Refine the Message You Need To Get Across
Think about what you want to say. Really see and hear the conversation happening in your imagination. Now write down the main points. What kind of language were you using in your imaginary conversation? Were you saying things like: “You make me so angry”? What is that’s happening that makes you cross, upsets you? That is what you need to describe, the behaviour, the effect. Presumably you want something to change as a result of your anger, so give them something to work with.
What Do You Want From Your Anger?
Reflect seriously on what you want the outcome of that conversation to be. Is it policy change? Or is it something specifically relating to how you are being treated? It’s always best to go into a potential conflict situation knowing where you want to be at the end.
If You Can, Pick Your Moment to Be An Angry Woman
A core principle of managing your relationships is to treat the other person as you would wish to be treated. It may be entirely appropriate to raise this at a ‘public’ meeting, but sometimes the personal approach may get the outcome that you want. If someone feels defensive, (and this is particularly true for men, see this post) they are more likely to resist whatever it is you want to happen.
Watch Your Language
Similarly, try hard not to get into blaming individuals with statements that begin ‘You make me so mad…’ Use ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I am very angry about this situation…’ and describe the situation. Organisational culture develops over time and is rarely the fault of one individual. And then there’s the patriarchy…
And Finally
And finally, sometimes we find ourselves angry about situations over which it seems we have no control, like world poverty, or global warming. Or the patriarchy. Direct your anger well and it can become a force for good. Join a political organisation, or a charity; maybe become a volunteer or a campaigner. Some of the most amazing things we humans have ever done have been borne out of a sense of anger leading people to take action.
P.S. Talking of campaigners, this video from Soraya Chemaly sums up much of what I’ve said, only better…she’s great!
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on February 28th, 2022 by Jane
