Photo by Etty Fidele on Unsplash
Being Angry is Unfeminine
Being angry for a woman is an unattractive trait. If you’re a woman you know this already. It’s the mental equivalent of not shaving your armpits yet wearing a sleeveless dress, or asking for the same pay as the men who are doing the same job. It’s embarrassing for goodness sake.
“Calm down, dear”.
Men are allowed to be angry; it’s a good trait in a man, no nonsense, macho men. Little boys are allowed to be angry. Big women and little girls are not. Our emotions are much more closely controlled. From a very young age children have learned to associate angry faces and expressions with males and softer, gentler images with females. What? And what about those poor men who don’t want to be Incredible Hulks? Wimps.
Do you remember the fuss when Serena Williams lost it on court? Google it. Acres of coverage. Professional sportsperson loses cool over a wrong decision. (That may be a bit controversial; I cannot remember exactly why she got cross, which speaks volumes in itself.)
“Calm down, dear.”
In school, girls who hold strong opinions, who speak out, who challenge things, are seen as rude and aggressive. Whereas boys who speak out and challenge… well, you’ve guessed it. Positively lauded for their leadership skills.
This continues into adulthood. Powerful men get angry, (do I really have to name the two who immediately spring to mind?) Angry women are harridans, out of control, not to be trusted. Women are valued more when they are ‘nice’. Not just by men, but by other women because we have all been socialised to accept this.
“Calm down, dear.’
Why Does It Matter That Women Can’t Be Angry?
Why does it matter that women can’t be angry? Well, several reasons. Anger can be a very positive emotion, a force for good. The power of our anger will change things. Anger can make society better. It can make our individual lives better. Not just shouting, but by raising issues and generating the energy to have them noticed and tackled.
Anger not only energises us it empowers us.
Speaking up about something you perceive to be wrong can be a great feeling. Like when Sandy Toksvig and Catherine Meyer finally cracked and set up the Women’s Equality Party. Anger at the lack of changes in society propelled them toward that step. (Last week there was brilliant tweet directed at Catherine Mayer basically telling her to stop being a publicity seeker, stop moaning about stuff and do something useful. The chap, yes, t’was a he, clearly had no idea of just what she has done. He just wanted her to pipe down.) Anger in women confounds people because we are not behaving according to our gender stereotypes.
“Calm down, dear”
Survey on Anger
In 2018, the centre for WorkLife Law asked lawyers if they felt able to use anger at work when a case merits it and if they felt they were punished for displaying aggression. 62% of white men felt able to express their anger and not be penalised. For white women the figure was 44%. The figures for minority were lower overall but proportionately the same between genders.
What Can Women Do About Anger Bias?
Well, I think we should all be very angry about not being able to be angry. Hmm, that is a bit Catch 22, isn’t it? But gender discrimination does make me very, very cross. So cross I could thcream (if you haven’t read ‘Just William’ that sentence makes no sense. ‘Just William’ was about a naughty little boy, but you can read it with impunity because it was written by a woman, even though I thought Richmal Compton was a man for years…)
“Calm down, dear.”
Back to the point. What can we do? Well, here are a few thoughts:
Firstly, let’s examine our own biases. We are chock full of unconscious biases. We have all been socialised to believe that women and girls who ‘make a fuss’ or display their anger, are not very nice. We are most unlikely to have had any kind of reward for displaying a huge hissy fit about something we feel strongly about. This we have unconsciously absorbed. That will translate to us showing a less than positive response to women in our workplace who express their anger. We must break the cycle. Be aware of your own biases first and foremost. Take a minute now to think about what you think about angry women? (So much thinking, I’m even losing myself here…stay with me).
Photo by Jeffrey F Lin on Unsplash
Then decide to support angry, expressive women whenever you can. Challenge folk who are wrinkling their noses in disdain. If it’s a senior woman the criticisms are likely to be made after the event which means you can ask people why they find it difficult to accept anger from a female. Obviously, do this in a nice, unthreatening kind of way because you don’t want anyone to think you are not a nice person…
Being Nice is Not the Same as Being Respected
Being nice is not the same as being respected. Ask yourself which is more helpful to your career. It is possible to be both once you have set your boundaries, once you have been clear about what you find acceptable and what you don’t. I think preferring being respected over being nice is a clear sign that you are ready for the next step up. And I don’t mean behaving like a man. You’re a woman, do it your way.
Plus, and this is a shameless bit of self promotion so you have been warned, you could download my Speak Up course which will help you think about how you can speak up at work. As well as advance your career. Not sure what it does for niceness, though.
Don’t “calm down, dear’. Speak your truth.
RenewYou, My Tried and Tested Career Booster!
RenewYou has helped thousands of women make positive and lasting change in their lives. I deliver it one-to-one as part of a bespoke coaching package for women looking to move into leadership, to progress their career, or who wish to be the absolute best version of themselves.
Posted on June 19th, 2020 by Jane
