Are you looking to find love? Let me introduce you to the fascinating work of Dr Mairi Macleod. You’re going to love her, whether you’re looking for romance in your life or not
Mairi is an evolutionary biologist, consultant, speaker, and science writer. She is a pioneer in the understanding our evolved preferences and motivations. She is fascinated by how we can change our behaviour, environment, habits and attitudes to better suit our needs.
Now she applies this in relationships and in the workplace. Mairi has a special interest in helping single, older women find a quality partner. And she knows of what she speaks, having been through this challenging process herself. Read on!
Jane: Mairi, you’ve had an interesting career journey so far and I know monkeys have featured a lot. Can you tell us how that passion emerged and what direction it took your early career in?
Mairi: One morning, I was 21, and sitting with a friend having breakfast as she leafed through the Guardian newspaper. I remember her exclaiming:
“Ah here’s something that would suit you down to the ground!”
It was an ad asking for volunteers to work at a monkey sanctuary in
Cornwall.
Well she was right – I was totally up for this. I loved doing things that were a bit “different”. I’d been kicking around for a while doing various jobs after finishing my degree in Biology. I packed my bags and headed to Cornwall for what I thought would be a couple of weeks of ‘monkeying’ about.
I stayed at the Monkey Sanctuary as a senior keeper for 3 years. I became totally enthralled with and fascinated by the group of Amazonian woolly monkeys living there. So enthralled that I decided to go back to university to study their behaviour properly.
Long story short, I ended up studying animals – mostly different species of monkey. I travelled to several remote parts of the world. It was nearly always on a shoestring but always a fantastic experience. It was a huge privilege to learn about the lives of these animals.
Can Monkeys Help Humans Find Love?
Monkeys have continued to influence what you do now around dating. Although for the avoidance of doubt I should point out that Mairi doesn’t run a dating agency for simians (!) but she does have lots of wisdom to share for women in mid-life looking for a partner. I’d better let you explain further, Mairi.
Absolutely! For my PhD I studied the mating strategies of samango monkeys in South Africa. I gained some pearls of wisdom directly – relevant to human dating – from observing their behaviour.
One was how females had a lot more power and influence than it appeared on the surface. They gained hugely when they took control. Power came when they actively chose their mates rather than waited to be passive prizes of male competition. I think many women can learn from this and be active selectors to get what they want. Don’t wait for ‘the Universe to deliver the one‘.
The main thing I got from my studies was understanding how our environment impacts on behaviour. This is as true of humans as any other primate. I think we often pick the wrong partners because our desires and preferences overtake us. We look for ‘chemistry’ when we first meet someone. Those traits evolved back in stone-age times when we women needed different things from relationships. Life has changed and we need to change, too.
Back then couplings would have been relatively short-term. Like brawn and status to be sure a guy could provide for and protect us and our kids. However, these qualities aren’t likely to coincide with personalities that work for a happy relationship. Nowadays we would do well to consciously evolve our partner-selection habits . We need them to suit us in the modern world and for the stage of life we’re at.
Drop Your Stone Age Brain To Find Love
Did you apply your own theories to your search to find love?
Yes I did! I spent many years as a single mum. I’d chosen my first husband with my stone-age brain so things got pretty difficult pretty quickly there! During time on my own I worked as a freelance science journalist writing about the science of behaviour and relationships. Monkey research isn’t really compatible with looking after 3 young kids. When the kids grew up a bit I decided to try online dating. I’d had enough of being on my own.
It didn’t really go to plan. I kept getting together with guys who seemed promising at the start, but really didn’t want a committed relationship.
The Penny Dropped
Then the penny dropped. I’d been researching and writing about our evolved behaviour around mate preferences and relationships for years. I actually had the information I needed to build a better dating strategy. And that’s what I did. I put together a plan for how to go about finding the right man. One I could have a happy relationship with.
Pretty quickly I met Rob at a singles event. It wasn’t sparks and fireworks right at the start but I liked him. We got to know each other over several weeks as he came to some classes I was running. Research shows that if you like someone, their personality, sense of humour, etc, then you’ll find them physically attractive. You start to desire them.
That’s what happened to me with Rob. But it wasn’t until I went to hear him play ukulele at the pub that I really got the hots. He totally owned the room. So we got married. and I can tell you he is the love of my life and I’ve never been happier. But if I’d been following my old man-searching habits I’d never have noticed him or given him a chance.
Are You ‘Blandifying’ Yourself?
What one piece of advice would you give any woman looking for their ideal partner?
Ha ha that’s difficult – there are so many. I guess the single most important thing is not to try to make yourself attractive to men in general .– don’t “blandify” yourself.
If you’ve got a PhD in astrophysics, like to do maths problems in your spare time, or if you’re a fitness fanatic and well into bodybuilding, whatever it is – yes you’ll put a lot of guys off. So what? You don’t want them. Some guys will love your thing and those are the ones you want. Own your quirks!
Don’t worry about how to be attractive, or how to get your man to commit. You’re not going to change his personality or openness to a relationship. Instead you need to ask yourself “has this guy got what it takes? Does he have the right qualities to be able to build a happy relationship with me?” This is how to find the right man.
Do Hormones Stop Us Getting Ahead at Work?
The research you share around hormones on women is fascinating. To paraphrase, lack of oestrogen can make us less competitive with other women. Would it be fair to say that as we enter middle age, we become more collaborative? Does it affect us in our search for advancement at work?
The older a woman gets the less visible she becomes, it seems. I’m sure there are evolutionary reasons for this. Do you have any suggestions how we could counteract this and achieve career success?
High oestrogen levels in reproductive-aged women are linked with feelings of competitiveness with other women. It can get particularly intense at the time of month when we ovulate ,around 14 days after menstruation starts.
This is when the levels of this hormone are at their highest. It makes sense from an evolutionary point of view since this is when we can get pregnant. Then it’s extra important to get access to the right partner and resources. Sometimes the competition leads us to make some pretty bad decisions so we can look better than other women.
When we get towards menopause our oestrogen levels drop. This means we have the opportunity to shake off hormonal influences and to collaborate more effectively with other women. Women working together produce amazing results when inspiring and supporting one another within a small trusted group. This is how we can excel and advance at work.
And as for getting invisible as we get older – there’s no reason that has to happen. We can use this time of our lives as a fantastic opportunity to disseminate our wisdom. That’s what menopause evolved for. It’s the perfect time for new projects, new adventures, or new relationships.
I’d like to take you back to childhood now. Were you always keen on animals? Were there any early indications of the career to come?
The animal behaviour seed got planted when I studied biology but only really took root at the monkey sanctuary. When I was a kid, I got obsessed with all sorts of ideas… contemporary dancer, special agent, archaeologist. All I knew for sure was I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to do something unconventional, but also something “mattered”. I feel I’ve achieved that (although I’m not finished yet!) and I feel really lucky that that’s the case.
Who has had the biggest influence on your life, career, personal or both?
It has to be my mum. She instilled in me and my siblings a feeling of confidence, that we could do anything we wanted. Nothing was closed off to us. My mum and dad spent some years teaching in what’s now Zambia and both my older brothers were born there. I grew up with African artefacts and stories, and a gigantic map of the world on the wall. That definitely sparked my desire for exploration.
All my siblings love to travel and were attracted, like me, to unconventional stuff. But also work that makes an impact. I guess I’ve always wanted to impress them, make them proud of me. Of course now that desire has spread to my own family; my new husband and my kids. I want to set a great example for them – to show them there are no limits.
Career Switching
Your career switch was partly prompted by circumstances, but if I could give you the choice of any alternative career, what would you choose?
I’d do what I’d originally planned; to be a research scientist. I’d love to contribute more to original research elucidating why we do what we do. To improve things for people.
I had to give up on a full-blown field research career when a single parent with young kids. But actually I have to say things have worked out really well. I’ve made it my mission instead to apply research on our biology and behaviour. To use this knowledge to make a real difference to people’s lives, and that feels great!
I’m also planning collaborations with university researchers to collect primary data on partner preferences in midlife adults. Then I can better serve women at this life stage who are searching for a mate (and soon men, too). So I guess I’m getting the best of both worlds.
And finally, if you ruled the world, what is the first change that you’d introduce to benefit the lives of women?
The change I’d like to see would help not only women, but actually everyone. Most societies right now are full of dominance hierarchies. That may be in government, in the military, in commercial companies… and these are generally headed up by men.
That’s because, as things stand, it hugely benefits men biologically to have high status. So men often make it their life’s work to attain status. Consequently, we’ve ended up with a male-biased dominance leadership style (AKA the patriarchy). The guys at the top are wielding the power and everyone else knowing their place.
What is Prestige-Based Leadership?
But there is another form of leadership that’s evolved in humans: prestige-based leadership. This is where people follow someone because of their experience and knowledge. This is the type of leadership existed back when we humans lived in small groups of hunter gatherers.
With prestige leadership there’s more discussion and cooperation. Crucially, there’s an appreciation of a diversity of talent and ways of doing things. This tends to suit women’s ways of leading and influencing. Ironically it makes men’s lives more balanced and happier, too.
So if I were in charge, I’d be advocating prestige-led organisations, and we’d all be a lot better off. But of course I’d need to ask others’ opinions on this too as I’d be leading in a prestige-based way.
Mairi, thank you so much. It’s been a pleasure and really fascinating.
You can find out much more about Mairi on LinkedIn, along with details about how to work with her and attend her courses here: Dating Evolved.
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Posted on October 1st, 2021 by Jane
