Are Bobbly Bumps on Your Chest Bad for You? Discuss

Grab a cup or glass of something cheering, make yourself comfortable, and I’m going to tell you a story. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

aliens-aheadOnce upon a time, on a planet many light years from ours, there lived a race of beings of supreme intelligence. Being of supreme intelligence they realised that they could always learn lessons in life, even from the most unlikely of sources. On the day which starts our story the supreme being who was taking a turn at being in charge, (they did not allow any one being to be in control for too long having long ago learned that too much power has a corrupting effect) called the elected cabinet together and said:

As you know, for a long time now we have been studying the planet Earth. As our attempts at reaching out have been met with hostility and fear because we are so different from them (and the humans seem not to be able to cope well with difference of any sort,) I have another plan. We will use our power of invisibility to walk amongst them and better understand them.  I am looking for a volunteer to travel to Earth for a few days and come back with some valuable learning for us. Yes, they are primitive but over the last few hundred years they seem to have made huge leaps in technology so I am hopeful that they may be ready to make peace.”

The supremely intelligent beings talked amongst themselves for a while and then said: “We think Arb would be a good choice. Arb has not travelled extensively as yet and will be able to look at humans with an unjaundiced eye.

Arb nodded in agreement. The current leader looked long and hard at Arb.

Ok Arb, you are a good choice but in view of your limited travelling experience I am going to send you to a small, relatively advanced island on Earth. It’s called the United Kingdom. Your specific brief is to understand how power is distributed on that island. Who might be the people we should speak with to ensure a peaceful meeting? See what you can discover.

And so off went Arb in the invisible space pod and headed for what seemed a very populated area of the kingdom where their Queen resided. It was called London.

As Arb went about the business allocated, the dirt and waste threatened to become overwhelming. “They may be advanced,” thought Arb, “but they know little about taking care of their planet. Still, I must not judge. Oh look, there is a human selling paper news. How quaint. I must buy a copy of every single type.

And thus Arb sat down in a green space and read through every single edition of the UK newspapers. A second later, finished, the papers were transported back to the home planet and Arb decided a visit to the seat of Government was called for. Having ascertained this was called the Houses of Parliament Arb invisibly slipped inside and sat down to listen to a debate.

This proved a more difficult task than reading the papers as there was a lot of warrior like behaviour alarming Arb greatly, and making it difficult to follow any line of logical argument. In fact, Arb began to think the houses of Parliament was a place for fighting, not governing.

Undaunted Arb continued researching. University papers were scanned, TV programmes were watched, whole libraries were literally absorbed into Arb’s brain as well as a scan of all their forms of social media. In addition, Arb was scrupulous in observing the behaviour of the humans. After a while Arb realised that there were two types of humans. One called men, and one called women. This was fascinating as on cartoonplanetArb’s planet there was no gender divide. Arb knew this would be of special interest back home so paid particular attention.

After a few days Arb returned back to the home planet and attended the cabinet to deliver the final report.

A detailed description of everything seen was given. The cabinet were entranced. At the end, Olg, one of the older members, asked Arb:

Having had this opportunity to observe at close quarters, Arb, who do you think we should make contact with first?”

Arb looked thoughtful.

Well, I told you that they had two genders? One of these genders seems to have all the power, although none of my research could determine exactly why. They are different. The ones called human women have bumps on their chests which seem to be used for all sorts of purposes from selling their newspapers to feeding their offspring which they also incubate in their bodies.”

Oh,” said Olg, “so women are the most powerful, then? They have very important functions. Are their brains bigger?

Well, no“, said Arb. “Both genders, although different, seem equally intelligent re their brains and on the rare occasions they use their brains collectively they are even more intelligent. Yet most of the men humans seem not to have realised this and tend to run everything important with human men only. It’s been like this for hundreds and hundreds of years. In some areas of earth it’s even worse.

In the United Kingdom women can work but they are not allowed, except in a very few unusual cases, to earn as much human money as the men humans and their work is not usually as well respected. There are not very many woman humans in the governing class and Parliament seems to be a place designed to suit only the male humans. Actually, it seems that there is no place in the entire planet where human women enjoy the same rights as the men humans. It really was extraordinary.”

Oh dear”, said Olg, “so not as advanced as we thought. Did you discover why the men humans had all this power and don’t seem to share it? Why don’t the women humans try to change things?

Well, they do“, replied Arb “and lots of women and some unusual human men are trying to make things better for everybody. But I don’t think they can succeed. The men humans do have something exceptional about them.

And what is that?” clamoured the cabinet eagerly

Well,” said Arb slowly, “they have an unusually shaped, dangly piece of flesh which mostly hangs downwards between their legs not doing anything. Although sometimes this piece of flesh seems to have a mind of its own and acts without the men humans doing anything much at all. It’s called a penis and seems to be revered because you never ever see the penis in papers or advertising in the unseemly way the female bumps are portrayed.”

Best leave them alone until they have evolved some more, I think, don’t you?”

I have a one day personal development programme for women called RenewYou. The day has been specially designed for humans without dangly bits…We’re currently licensing excellent trainers to run this programme around the world. If this interests you, please check out the RenewYou for Trainers link.

Postscript. To clarify, Arb is a fictional character, I have not met any aliens. Sadly the inequality issues described are very real.

Pictures: Webweavers Free Clip Art


Posted on April 9th, 2014 by

3 Responses to “Are Bobbly Bumps on Your Chest Bad for You? Discuss”

  1. Eugenie Winter says:

    Couldn’t think of anything I fancied to drink but did sit down to read about Arb and the report findings delivered to his people. It did make me smile – funny but oh so TRUE.
    Then I was inspired to get a tipple I’d quite forgotten about. Think I might read it again…

  2. Moyna says:

    I think that both the ‘dangler’ and the ‘bobbly bumps’ need to be left alone till what’s at both ends of them mature and feel they can handle their respective appendages in a dignified way! Both need to steer clear of the substance abuse of testosterone which makes people feel they rule the world and can dictate terms. Meanwhile, a light tipple helps to deal with it all! We (women emerging) can change the world.
    See Tom Stoppards “Arcadia” at the Tobacco Factory in Bristol…’s very good!

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