Do You Trust Yourself?

How many people in your life do you trust, really trust? How many people are there in whose opinions you have total confidence?

I hope you can count quite a few. Did you include yourself? Do you trust yourself and your own instincts? Do you have confidence in what you can do and the decisions you make?

Making a Decision

When you have to make a difficult or very significant decision you may have a particular friend whose judgement you value. Or maybe a family member or parent. You may perhaps even imagine advice from someone you don’t know, or someone like a parent, who is no longer living but still a valuable inspiration to you.

It’s good to get advice. But how often do you listen to you? Do you trust your own advice? Do you find yourself thinking sometimes you ought to be doing something?

If you listen very carefully to your inner self you’ll know whether you ‘ought‘ to or not. Don’t rush it, take your time, sleep on it and listen to yourself. Trust yourself to know what is best for you. Literally ask yourself the question and wait to hear the answer in your own head. Trust that you will do what is best for you, whatever anyone else is saying. You are the architect of your own life, in charge of your own development, so take hold of it and follow your instincts.

You may think that an odd thing for me to say, spending a lot of time as I do professionally helping women at various stages in their lives. It isn’t my role to tell women what to do, but to help them work out what it is they want to do! And then to have the confidence to really go for it!

If Women Ruled the World

If women ruled the world….

I ask this question on my Women Ahead course (designed to boost women’s confidence to move ahead at work) in order to illustrate how the world of work as we know it, could be different. It’s not about having a go at men but about thinking from a different perspective, expanding our horizons of what could be, and maybe understanding better why things are as they are.

Think about it for a minute. The world of work as we know it now evolved during the Industrial Revolution, when labour moved largely off the land into cities and a different type of employment. Professional men went to work and systems of working emerged dependent largely on the fact that there were women at home to literally keep the  home fires burning. (Of course, women and children were busy working for a pittance in the factories etc; they had no voice in how things evolved.)

Women had little or no part in how work was organised.

Imagine though if we had. Allow yourself to imagine if the working world as we know it had been designed solely for women – all women. Imagine that men were at home, (apart from the poor ones who would be working very hard but for far less money than us) and imagine that actually most of the time it wasn’t even thought appropriate to educate them as, well, they were just going to marry successful working women and keep home. It would be a waste of investment. And as for getting the vote….what nonsense.

I have no doubt that different systems would have evolved. We might have a totally different working day, not 9-5 at all. We would certainly have  very sophisticated maternity and child care arrangements because we would have been very important people. Systems would have evolved to support us.  And they would be considered normal. School hours may have been designed differently. Just try and imagine. How many things would be different?

And I am also sure that as time went on and men began to get involved as society evolved they would find themselves at a disadvantage in the systems we had designed. But they would do their best because it was the way of the world and if they wanted to get on they would have to adapt. They would have to suppress some of their instinctive behaviour and behave like us, the dominant culture. We would have set the standards for behaviour in the world of work.

And as time went on, we women wouldn’t really have an incentive to change because actually it works quite well for us and anyway, some men can cope very well. Why look, there is that well known financier guy who is one of the 12.5% of men who has made it to the board in that company listed in the FTSE 100. So it’s fine, isn’t it? Obviously we’d like to see more men on boards but we can’t legislate for changing societal attitudes. We’ll ‘nudge’ them. We’ll encourage them, yes, that’ll do something.

Sometimes we need legislation to change society’s attitudes. If we hadn’t done that in the past, women wouldn’t be voting, children would still be working, and homosexuals would still be persecuted.

Direct Your Energy Where You Want Results!

Direct Your Energy Where You Want to See Results!

It doesn’t matter how many self help books you read (even mine!), how much you practise circular breathing, how much you think positively, how often you chant, focus on words on the ceiling (good grief), there is no substitute for actually doing something to get where you want to be. That means real, down to earth, honest to goodness hard work, not simply thinking about what you want to happen if only everything would come together in your favour!

Phew, that was good to say! There really is no substitute for actually getting on with it. I was asked by a journalist recently if I thought the current self help culture meant people thought they ‘deserved’ to succeed, that that there was a solution for everything and everyone should be happy all the time. Good question.

I do come across this attitude from time to time, and there is masses of information out there giving you all sorts of advice about how you can be wonderful, have a great life etc. My site is full of it too. I have a passion for helping women live their lives to the max and getting out of it what they want. You will find masses of information here to help you get going, to inspire and push you on.

But anyone who has ever worked with me knows that one of my continual questions is:

‘What are you actually going to do and when are you going to do it?‘

Add Ons

All the other things I have mentioned help, of course they do, but they are additional to actually doing something. If you want to write a novel you can make yourself an inspiring room to write in. You can read books by other writers. You can sign up to writing courses. You can buy a beautiful notebook, lovely pens. All these things may motivate you to get going, build your confidence, and increase your pleasure in the task. BUT at some point the preparation has to stop and the real writing has to begin or the book will always remain an idea.

Likewise, if you want to change your job, you could buy my book, do all the exercises, listen to the visualisation. You will have prepared yourself well and got a good idea of the steps you need to take to make those changes. Hopefully I will even have inspired you to be brave and bold. BUT you still have to go out there, buy newspapers, look for jobs, and apply for them. You still have to take the risks yourself, decide when the time is right to start your own business, go into partnership with a friend, or ask the bank for a business loan.

Focus

All of the preparation is good; I wouldn’t recommend that you jump will nilly into something (well, maybe sometimes a bit of risk taking can be energising, when we just follow our instincts! It can work.)

The problem comes when all our energies go into preparing, (or complaining) and not into doing. If you have a long held dream beginning  ‘one day I will…’ do you know when that ‘one day’ is? Certainly do all the preparing, and if you are in a job you loathe preparing now for a new one when times are better may help you through the interim period. But do give yourself a date when you will move from preparing into doing. Review it regularly. After all, you don’t want to be looking behind you muttering wistfully, ‘If only…’.

Take a Hike!

Sorry, did that sound rude? I mean, try to incorporate a little more walking into your life and see if that makes you feel better. But that’s not a catchy title!

Last year I took part in a charity midnight walk over 13 miles, and in preparation walked most days. One of the side effects of the walking was time to think but it was also helping me in other ways.

The repetitive activity of walking, studies show, triggers the body’s relaxation response and so helps reduce stress; at the same time even a 10-minute walk provides an immediate energy boost and improves mood. Nietzsche wrote, ‘All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking. Research supports him; exercise-induced brain chemicals help people think clearly. I often encourage people to walk during breaks in my courses.

And then the snows came and I lost my habit of walking several times a week. Snuggling down by the wood burner was far more attractive!

Sometimes it seems easier to break habits that are good for you rather than the ones we wish we could lose! I am now resurrecting the walking habit (no snow, lighter evenings, should be a doddle!).

Walking isn’t an option for everyone, but there will be things we can all do to enhance our time to think and quality of life. What good habit would you like to rediscover this week?

Women Count by Susan Bulkeley Butler

Women Count popped through my post box in the gap between Christmas and New Year, having been sent to me by the publisher. I have to admit I inwardly groaned a bit as I’m snowed under with books at the moment, and, as I do actually read (or at the very least skim) all the books I get sent it can be quite time consuming!  However, I only feature here the books that I think you’ll find helpful; there are many that don’t make it.

So you can assume from that I was rewarded by reading this book. It’s an easy read for this subject which can get a bit bogged down and ‘worthy’, if you know what I mean! While this qualifies as a ‘worthy’ book it’s also an easy read written in a straightforward and accessible style.

Four Sections

The book itself is divided into 4 sections:

Section One: The New Math is a succinct account of all the statistics associated with women and their position in the power hierarchies

Section Two: The Pioneers, possibly my favourite section listing all the unsung heroes of women’s progress. Women like Deborah Sampson who dressed as a man to get into the US Army! And was denied a pension when she was ‘unfrocked’. Or Grace Hopper who joined the Navy and got to the rank of Rear Admiral and then invented COBOL, a complex computer language, and many more.

Section Three: Change is Happening. In this section Susan looks at areas where change is happening; education, organisations, communities, and in giving. It’s very obvious in this section that this is a book about America but it’ s no less interesting for that.

Section Four: Now It’s Your Turn. And finally the reader is encouraged to do her own thing! It begins with some more real life examples of women who have followed through on their dreams and then has some sound advice for making your own dreams a reality.

Here’s an extract from the final pages of the book:

‘Yes, we still have glass ceilings to break and boardrooms to enter. Yes, we still have inequalities in pay. But the  headway and the accomplishments we made in the past have created a new world for all of us today, a new world filled with opportunities for us to shape and change the world even more for the women who will follow us into the future……………………

Just like Susan (Neely, CEO of the American Beverage Association) and just like so many other female pioneers who broke the barriers of sexism to become astronauts, politicians, Supreme Court Judges, and so much more, we must all have the courage to be a “different type of leader”, so we don’t” perpetuate the same foolish system” that is at least partly to blame for many of the problems we have in the world today. We need to do this not just for women’s sake, but for society’s sake. More women in leadership roles means new ways of approaching old problems, whether it’s how we deal with climate change or international relations or the responsibilities of business and government.

What are YOU going to do to change the system?’

At just 124 pages it’s not a marathon read but the author makes use of every page and I am happy to give this book a space on my shelves! If you’re interested in women’s issues you’ll enjoy this book. You can buy it through your local bookseller, borrow it from the library, or purchase it on line via Amazon

Why Can’t Women Show Emotion at Work?

A few weeks ago I was pleased to be listening to Sam Roddick speak at a women’s conference. She was brilliant. The nub of her speech was that she ran her business in her own way, regardless of disapproval from others or traditional business models. And if that meant she showed emotion when she was upset, that was fine. She was upset so she showed it.

“Men are allowed to get angry at work; that’s seen as acceptable. I get upset I cry. That’s not deemed acceptable. I say deal with it, or get therapy!”

She wasn’t talking about bursting into tears at inconsequential slights, not at all. She’s a very strong woman. She was talking about putting passion into what you do with your life and caring.

However, her way is not the accepted way of running a business. In the UK, business norms have been set by men. Male norms prevail and are rewarded, female behaviour is derided as ‘soft’ and not as effective.  Shows of emotion that aren’t anger are seen as a weakness. Many pioneer women in business had to behave like men and suppress their feminine side. Often this can penalise sensitive men as much as women. It’s bad enough for a woman to show her emotions; imagine what it’s like for a man in a macho world!

Diversity and Equality

We’ve moved on a lot and many new businesses have really good true equality policies which work in theory and practice (I’m thinking of Pepsico, for example, where difference is valued and equality doesn’t mean ‘allowing’ women to behave like men). The evidence is that where business values all its employees and has significant numbers of women in senior roles, the bottom line is better!

Yet I still find myself in coaching conversations with senior women struggling to survive in a macho culture which constantly undermines their contribution. Usually these women are working in long established business areas like banking, finance, and local government. Newer businesses, while not exempt, tend not to have a long history of  ‘We always do it this way; it’s worked up until now. Don’t rock the boat’

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Because she’s a woman! And women bring other equally valid and valuable qualities to the workplace. And a workplace which doesn’t acknowledge and nurture that is missing out an a huge valuable resource! Eventually those senior women will find places where all they bring to work is valued and respected, where they don’t have to struggle to fit a male model of desirable manager or executive.

Share Your Story

I would love to hear from you if you have had experience of this. I’d love to know if it’s not an issue in your workplace, and if it is. I’d love to know how you think we can combat it, who your best supporters were, who inspires you, and any advice you’d care to share! (You can remain anonymous if you wish, if speaking out feels too risky).