Why Can’t Women Show Emotion at Work?

A few weeks ago I was pleased to be listening to Sam Roddick speak at a women’s conference. She was brilliant. The nub of her speech was that she ran her business in her own way, regardless of disapproval from others or traditional business models. And if that meant she showed emotion when she was upset, that was fine. She was upset so she showed it.

“Men are allowed to get angry at work; that’s seen as acceptable. I get upset I cry. That’s not deemed acceptable. I say deal with it, or get therapy!”

She wasn’t talking about bursting into tears at inconsequential slights, not at all. She’s a very strong woman. She was talking about putting passion into what you do with your life and caring.

However, her way is not the accepted way of running a business. In the UK, business norms have been set by men. Male norms prevail and are rewarded, female behaviour is derided as ‘soft’ and not as effective.  Shows of emotion that aren’t anger are seen as a weakness. Many pioneer women in business had to behave like men and suppress their feminine side. Often this can penalise sensitive men as much as women. It’s bad enough for a woman to show her emotions; imagine what it’s like for a man in a macho world!

Diversity and Equality

We’ve moved on a lot and many new businesses have really good true equality policies which work in theory and practice (I’m thinking of Pepsico, for example, where difference is valued and equality doesn’t mean ‘allowing’ women to behave like men). The evidence is that where business values all its employees and has significant numbers of women in senior roles, the bottom line is better!

Yet I still find myself in coaching conversations with senior women struggling to survive in a macho culture which constantly undermines their contribution. Usually these women are working in long established business areas like banking, finance, and local government. Newer businesses, while not exempt, tend not to have a long history of  ‘We always do it this way; it’s worked up until now. Don’t rock the boat’

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Because she’s a woman! And women bring other equally valid and valuable qualities to the workplace. And a workplace which doesn’t acknowledge and nurture that is missing out an a huge valuable resource! Eventually those senior women will find places where all they bring to work is valued and respected, where they don’t have to struggle to fit a male model of desirable manager or executive.

Share Your Story

I would love to hear from you if you have had experience of this. I’d love to know if it’s not an issue in your workplace, and if it is. I’d love to know how you think we can combat it, who your best supporters were, who inspires you, and any advice you’d care to share! (You can remain anonymous if you wish, if speaking out feels too risky).

Women and Careers Tip 10

If you are prone to sit quite meekly in meetings with hands in your lap, or well back from the table, you may be putting yourself at a distinct disadvantage. As Lois P Frankel says in ‘Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office’, normal table manners don’t apply in business situations. You CAN put your elbows on the table!

She suggests the following:

• Look really involved in the conversation by leaning forward slightly with your forearms on the table, hands lightly together. You are also in a good position to gesture that you want to speak as well.
• The head of the table need not be reserved for the eldest and most senior male in the family. Try sitting there once in a while, don’t assume you must take a less significant seat.
• If you can, sit next to the most powerful and influential person in the room (without looking too needy and sycophantic obviously!). Sometimes the power stardust rubs off, and certainly people will tend to look in your general direction, which again gives you opportunities to contribute more.

Women and Careers Tip 5

Questions?

Assertive women in the workplace can still find themselves described as ‘too pushy’ or ‘bossy’.

Consequently, many of us have learned behaviours to mitigate against being labelled thus. Instead of directly owning our ideas in meetings or at work, we offer it in the form of a question. For example, ’Do you think it might be better if we….?’

If you find yourself doing this too often stop! You are giving away your power and your ideas and probably irritating others. (Although in other areas of it can be very emotionally intelligent to use this type of communication in order to be sensitive to others feelings).

At work, if you have an idea or statement to put forward. make sure you take responsibility and ownership. Don’t offer it as a gift for someone else to enjoy. You might get the blame, but then again, you might get the credit!

Women and Careers Tip 2

Number two in my occasional series of TIPS for WOMEN wanting to advance their careers!

TIP TWO:
Women, take what is your due

This tip was given to me by an amazing woman who was a guest speaker on one of my training courses. She was very senior in her organisation and had noticed an interesting difference between the men and women she managed.

Don’t Over Explain

When the men approached her for leave they simply asked for the dates they wanted, without further explanation. The women on the other hand, she noted, were almost apologetic about asking for their leave entitlement and generally prefaced their request with a lengthy explanation of exactly why they wanted a day off. For example, ‘I have to take my son to the dentist’ or ‘Sorry, but my daughter is going on a school trip’ etc.

Her view was that this over explaining made the women look less professional than the men, who were probably using their time off for family matters too but didn’t feel the need to justify why they were asking. She felt that drawing attention to their out of work responsibilities disadvantaged them in the eyes of senior people, who then saw them as less professional and less likely candidates for promotion.

Regardless of your position you are allowed certain things within the terms of your contract and usually leave is one of them. It is correct and respectful to let your line manager know but think in terms of informing them, not requesting permission. If they have a problem with it they’ll let you know!

Motivate Yourself!

Motivate Yourself to do well at work, whatever your job! If you find yourself operating below your best at work, lacking in motivation, it will gradually erode your confidence in your abilities and you can be sure someone will notice!

Here are just a few quick tips for getting the best out of any job. However trivial it may seem, if you regularly give of your best others will notice and you will reap the rewards of success! And being successful can become a really good habit you’ll want to keep!

Really absorb yourself in whatever you are doing

Whatever it is you are doing, even if it’s just filing, become wholly focussed on it and do it really well. It matters to someone that it’s done properly so make it matter to you too.

Don’t keep complaining

It’s a waste of time to complain just for the sake of having a moan or trying to apportion blame. It makes you noticeable for the wrong reasons. Instead try and focus on what went wrong and come up with a solution. Even if your response isn’t acted on you’ll be seen as positive and helpful.

Find out what people think of your work

So often appraisals can end up putting a focus on what we’ve done wrong but we respond best by being given praise. In fact, it takes about seven pieces of positive praise to wipe out one negative comment. So accept people’s right to criticise your work but then ask what they think you do well and do more of that!

Adopt the adage ‘If a job is worth doing it’s worth doing well’.
If you are really in a job you find unfulfilling and useless then make plans now to get out of it. But most jobs are there because someone needs it to be done. Even if you are working below your capabilities at the moment take a pride in what you do. Doing this well can open doors for you to move on to something better.

Be prepared to wait for the rewards

Once you’ve lifted your game and are performing at your peak you may have to wait a while for people to notice. It’s called deferred gratification, like saving up for something. The anticipation of what you will get at the end keeps you saving even when you want to overspend on a mad week end or new clothes. The end you have in sight keeps you motivated. So it is with work. Top performers know if its’ worth attaining it rarely comes easily!