Five Great Posts!

I’ve had some great comments about the site lately. One was ‘you have so much information on your site; it’s a veritable treasure trove for professional women looking to get ahead‘. Then she asked me which was my most popular post and I didn’t actually know! So I checked out the top five blog posts for women over the last six months and they are:

• Are You Perfect? A quick canter through some of the drivers of Transactional Analysis; you loved it!
• Take Off Your Pyjamas! A humorous look at my flirt with BBC fame (Can’t help thinking some folk will have been searching for something else when they alighted on this one…)
• Inspirational Women – Hannah Coleman. Everyone loved Hannah’s story, including me!
• Women Lack Confidence My take on some research on ambition and gender struck a chord.
• How to Get More Women on Board Posted when the UK government told companies to get more women in the higher echelons or they’d introduce quotas.

It’s been fascinating for me going back through the stats to see which have resonated most soundly with you.  If you have any thoughts on topics you’d like me to cover just drop me a line or comment below.

PS. I am sure given another month or so last week’s post about Feminism and Princess Kate will be there as it’s still rising high!

Photo Credit: Ilker

Are You a Parent or a Manager?

If you manage staff do you do it on an adult to adult basis or do you find yourself lapsing into a parent type ego state? And if you are not in a management role, what type of manager do you have?

Transactional Analysis

When I’m working within organisations I often find it really helpful to use T.A. terms to help staff analyse what could be improved upon with their communication styles and working relationships.

One of the most common issues I come across is the parenting style of management. Generally speaking this is not a helpful position to hold and does not develop staff, either for their own good or to the benefit of the organisation.

Two Parenting Styles

There are two types of parent ego states in Transactional Analysis, the nurturing parent and the critical parent. While being on the receiving end of a nurturing type parent manager might be preferable to the critical I’d argue that neither are helpful or appropriate in a professional setting.

If you have a nurturing type manager they will be likely to speak to you in soothing calming tones. They may make you drinks often, pat you on the back, tell you not to worry and that they will go that potentially difficult meeting for you. Their kindness can stifle your potential, they do not allow you to make your own mistakes and develop.

On the other hand, a critical parent manager, will be forever finding fault with what you do, point their finger a lot, use phrases such as “You should do this..or “Pay attention here” They will rarely praise you for a job well done but seek to instruct you in ways you could have done it better.

A manager in adult ego state will treat you with respect, will use phrases such as “This might be useful to you” or “Have you seen this report?” In general their behaviour will be assertive.

Childlike Responses

The critical point about non adult styles of management is that staff are likely to respond from their learned childlike ego state. While this may occasionally be appropriate, usually it is not. Most organisations do not want a staff group frightened to make suggestions, use their initiative, or who are so disenchanted that they are subversive and ‘naughty’! And most people want to be treated as adults when working with opportunities to develop and grow.

Share Your Experiences of Managers

Do you recognise any of the above? I’d love to hear about your experiences of managers, if you noticed an effect on your behaviour, and how you responded to this.

If you’d like some support with your own management style, call me now on 01761 438749 or use the contact page to find out how I might help you or your organisation!

Stop Talking to Your Partner!

Well, not entirely… maybe that should read stop talking AT your partner!

Sometimes with coaching the client starts in one place and together we end up somewhere completely different. Thus, a session that begins with an overview of a work related problem can end up being much more about personal issues.

Communication Breakdown

And so it was with Coral*. Coral came to coaching for help with issues communicating at work; as we worked together we discovered that many of her fears stemmed from a break down in communication with her partner. This had resulted in a loss of confidence in other areas of her life which was affecting how she related to her colleagues.

Root Cause

With her permission, we headed back to the main cause of her loss of confidence. Communication between her and her partner had degenerated into a series of instructions for household management, along with a plethora of repetitive, inconsequential, circular arguments.

A minor issue would develop into something larger with neither listening to the other. Instead, each would launch into their own well rehearsed argument. During our sessions, Coral realised that she didn’t actually listen to her partner as she was sure she knew what he was going to say. So, instead of giving her partner any attention she was busy using his talking time composing her next riposte. She heard him talking but she wasn’t connecting to what he was saying. Their was no communication, more a series of ‘positions’ offered with each interrupting and cutting across the other. And she was equally convinced that he ‘never’ listened to her.

The Plan

Together we worked on a strategy for breaking this cycle. She couldn’t change her partner’s behaviour (at least not directly) but she could change her own.

First, she had to overcome her feelings of resentment (childlike ego state) and move to a more adult perspective of her partnership. Coral began to realise that attributing her feelings to her partner was counter productive; he didn’t MAKE her feel anything. She felt the way she did because of all the myriad things that had made her the unique person she was. Her feelings were her own responsibility and she could exercise some control over how she felt. This freed her up to make the first move as she moved from a combative mindset to one focussed on improving her relationship.

And her first task was to listen, really listen to what he was saying. To listen without judging, without feelings of resentment, without feeling a need to justify. It’s easier said than done (or actually not said!) but with the support of coaching she persevered. Instead of coming back at him with her own snappy retorts, she paid him attention. She was respectful and acknowledged his views, without necessarily agreeing with him.

Cease Fire

As her partner realised he was being listened to, his behaviour began to change too. Gradually they began to talk as adults, each taking responsibility, about the future of their relationship.

Happy Ever After…?

Of course, it wasn’t just happy ever after immediately, this is a true story, not a fairy tale! But it did break the cycle and it did give Coral a feeling of being in control of her life. And that percolated through to her working life. Taking some control of issues at home allowed her to see work issues with a fresh eye and she applied some of the listening techniques to her professional life, with good results. And feeling better about work helped her at home…a virtuous circle.

Coaching

If you have an issue you think our working together could help, give me a call on 01761 438749 or email me if you prefer.

*Of course, Coral is not her real name, and several details have been changed to maintain client confidentiality

Parent, Adult or Child?

Who are you today?

Is that your INNER CHILD responding? Or the CRITICAL PARENT? Or the mature, considered ADULT?

Transactional Analysis

The theory of Transactional Analysis (T.A.) (and it’s only a theory so only use it if it’s helpful to you) says that at any given time we are operating in one of our three ego states. These are Parent, Adult, and Child. All three are perfectly appropriate in the appropriate place!

PARENT

Parent can be critical or nurturing, either a little inner voice encouraging us or a nagging critical one, i.e. ‘You’ll never amount to anything!’

CHILD

Child can be free and happy, expecting and used to getting praise, or adapted, in that our inner child is fearful of making a mistake, and will always seek to please adult figures in their lives. Naughty child is the one that deliberatly pushes at the boundaries, for example, sitting at the back during meetings and passing notes to colleagues! If you’ve ever found yourself doing that you were probably in your Inner Child ego state! (At least in T.A. terms you were).

ADULT

Adult behaviours are mature and direct and deal with the here and now, looking at the situation in front of them and making an appropriate response.

Example

Here’s an example of how all three states can reveal themselves in a few minutes.
Imagine you are driving happily down the motorway. A car suddenly undertakes you and you are forced to tale evasive action to avoid a crash. You do so competently and immediately and avert a crisis. Adult.

Then your naughty child emerges and you think ‘I’ll show ‘em’ and you begin to increase your speed until you are driving a very dangerous few feet from the bumper of the offending car, flashing your lights and making obscene gestures (I guess most of us know what I’m talking about here!) Child.

Eventually you pull back and start muttering that the driver should not be on the road at all; people like them are all idiots and where are the police when you need them etc. You may even find yourself repeating phrases that your parents have actually used. Critical Parent

Whether you subscribe to the T.A. theory or not,  I think it’s useful model to grasp when you sometimes find yourself behaving less than professionally at work. Just ask yourself, “who’s the adult here?”

Click here for another article on T.A which featured in my regular newsletter.

Are you perfect?

During a recent coaching session a client began talking about her need to be perfect, although she didn’t actually use those words. This led us onto a helpful discussion of the drivers of Transactional Analysis; I thought it might be of interest to you to try and work out whether you are a ‘be perfect’ woman too!

The Books

Hundreds of books have been written on this topic and when one of the first came out in 1969 (Games People Play, still available through Amazon)it was hugely popular and was one of the first ‘pop psychology’ books readily available today.

Simply put, it’s a theory about personality, how we communicate, and how that evolves from our childhood experiences. It can be really helpful in personal development and I often use bits of it when coaching or in my seminars. But it is only a theory so if it doesn’t work for you, that’s fine.

Drivers

There are several parts to Transactional Analysis (or T.A. as it is commonly known) but I am focusing particularly on Drivers. Transactional Analysis research has identified five drivers (or more simply, working styles); these can be thought of as ways in which people are sometimes motivated to behave.

The Drivers are:
Hurry Up,
Be Strong,
Please People,
Be Perfect
Try Hard

Most of us will notice a preference for some drivers more than others. There are varying interpretations but usually one is a stronger driver of our behaviour that others, sometimes two, and will be related to messages we received in childhood from significant adults in our life.
Below is what they mean. See if you can identify which might be yours from the brief descriptions! But don’t take it too seriously. Any theory is only any good if it actually helps you discover something helpful about yourself and there is masses more information on this topic. Your driver is most likely to show itself when you are feeling anxious, so if you can recognise what is happening you can take steps to do something about it and manage your anxieties a little better!

Hurry Up

The message is “I’m only OK if I hurry up”.
Individuals with a strong hurry up driver will value speed. The catch is that they will rush things and be prone to starting without thinking through consequences. Hurry up people will use words like “No time to lose”, Let’s get going”, “Come on”. Their tone of voice may be rushed with words getting scrambled, and they may be delivered in a staccato like fashion accompanied by foot tapping, checking of watch etc.

Be Strong

The message is “I’m only OK if I’m strong”.
Individuals with a tendency to a ‘Be Strong’ driver will take control in a crisis not allowing emotion to get in the way. The catch being they will perceive sharing or needing support as a weakness. Phrases like “The thought strikes me that…” Distancing words like ‘one’ or ‘people’ are used when maybe they mean ‘I’. There is usually little in the way of facial or body expression and the tone can be flat. Body posture will be ‘closed’.

Please People

The message is “I’m only OK if I please people”.
Individuals with a strong please people driver will get on with others. The catch is you can’t please all the people all the time. People with a strong please people driver will often avoid confrontation which is essential in a healthy relationship. Please others language includes lots of querying words and phrases like “Alright by you?” “It’s kind of…” “Sort of…” and their voice may rise at the end of each sentence. There will be lots of head nodding, reaching out of hands, usually palms up, and smiling. Unlike a non driver smile, the smile will be tense when in ‘please others’ mode.

Be Perfect

The message is “I’m only OK if I’m perfect”.
Individuals with a strong ‘be perfect driver’ will put effort into getting it perfect. The catch is that some things will never be perfect and these individuals will struggle to compromise. They may adopt the traditional thinking pose in gestures, like stroking their chin, counting points off on their fingers as they speak. Their tone of voice is usually neither high nor low but well modulated and adult sounding. They may often look upwards while speaking as if seeking the perfect answer somewhere on the ceiling.

Try Hard

The message is “I’m only OK if I try hard”.
Individuals with a strong try hard will tend to put in a lot effort and have a lot going on. The catch is that they will take on too much and have a tendency to fail to recognise opportunities to work smarter instead of harder. Their language will often make frequent use of the word try. “What I’m trying to tell you is…” “I will try and do that” What they are saying is “I’ll try to do that “rather than “I will do that”. They may tense their throat so they sound slightly muffled. Their body language is generally hunched, leaning forward with a crumpled face.

More Than Meets the Eye

I hope you’ve found it interesting to speculate on your driver but do remember there is no one single reliable indicator. Just because someone uses the phrase “I’ll try” doesn’t mean they have a try hard driver!

And if you’d like to find to find out more, and work directly with me, click here now!