The No Quiz!

How many times do say yes when you want to say no?

How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?

• If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
• If I say no, they won’t like me.
• If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
• My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
• I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
• How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
• These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).

If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!

Decide Not to Decide!

I was coaching someone recently who was struggling with a difficult decision, hampered by her feelings that she ‘ought‘ to be being more assertive.

“You know”, I said “it is perfectly possible to be assertive and not make a decision. Simply decide you’re not making a decision right now!”

Sometimes we get so caught up in looking at all the pros and cons that we can’t see anything with clarity. While coaching obviously helps provide that focus, sometimes the confusion is there for a good reason; it may just be the wrong time for you to make this decision. So, unless you have a particularly tight deadline, assert your right not make one!

How to Say NO!

Learn how to SAY NO without feeling guilty of giving offence. Gain some assertive techniques. Communicate effectively. If you sometimes hear your voice saying ‘yes but your head is saying ‘no’, read on. This article will help you be more assertive and put yourself first. Do you find yourself often saying yes when actually you want to say no? Read on for some effective and assertive techniques.
We can’t actually do everything that is asked of us yet sometimes we behave as if we should. We stop valuing our own time and put other people first. Sometimes that is appropriate – we all have to say yes when we’d rather say no occasionally. But if that is getting out of balance you need to learn to say no.

Here are some tips to help you be more ASSERTIVE:
Say YES.

It sounds mad, doesn’t it? You want to say no so think yes. This only works if you genuinely want to do something but can’t to do it at this point in time. Try saying, ‘I’d love to but can’t right now. Can you ask me again in a few weeks when I’m less busy?Or, ‘I really want to do it and I want to do it properly, which I can’t at the moment. If it can wait for a month I’ll gladly oblige’.

Get in First

If you can see a demand coming your way try to get in first. Tell them how busy you are before they make an actual request. You might say something like ‘I’m glad we’ve had this opportunity to talk now as my diary is full for the next month – I can’t fit in another thing’.

Keep Your Diary Up To Date

To be able to say no and be genuine you need to know why you can’t say yes. Sometimes we end up saying yes because we can’t think of a reason. We just have a nagging doubt that we shouldn’t. Then we check our diaries and realise that we have over committed ourselves! Always try and know what commitments you have, social or work, then you’ll be ready with a genuine response.

Don’t Keep Apologising

I think it’s fine to start with ‘I’m sorry but… as you are really saying ‘I’m sorry I can’t help you on this occasion’. However, if you pepper your conversation with apologies you’ll begin to sound like you really could do it and don’t have a right to say no. You will be putting yourself in an inferior position. The tone of your voice is important too, as well as eye contact and body language. Speak clearly and firmly – you don’t have to be aggressive but neither you should be passive. Assert yourself!

Value Yourself and Your Time

Sometimes at a subconscious level we may feel that our time is not as valuable as anyone else’s. If you find yourself agreeing to do things that could easily be done by the person asking you might fall into this category. This may require a bit of work on your part but try repeating to yourself ‘my time is valuable and I am valuable’. It will remind you not to put yourself down.

Practice

Like any new skill it takes practice. Don’t leap in with someone you find most difficult to turn down. That’s like jumping in the deep end of a pool when you’re only at the paddling stage! You’ll be very fed up afterwards as you’ll probably sink… Instead try saying no when the stakes aren’t high.

Take a deep breath and say no, confidently and assertively. You’ll be surprised!

Suggestions for Further Reading available from Amazon
Assert Yourself by Gael Lindenfield