This topic came up in a recent coaching session. Further exploration revealed that being with particular people made my client anxious and when she felt anxious she began over apologising. And when she over apologised she put herself in an inferior position to the person she was with. And that made her feel more anxious so she…..you get the idea!

In this case the apologising had almost become reflexive; as soon as the feeling of anxiety kicked in she began apologising, began starting her sentences with ‘I’m sorry’ or apologising for things nothing to do with her, for example slow service in a cafe. The underlying reason was lack of confidence, which we addressed, but first she had to break the S word habit.

Feelings

If you find yourself in this position take a moment to work out what your underlying feelings are.  Pause and say to yourself “What am I actually feeling now”. Anxiety may be part of it, lack of confidence, inferiority feelings and so on. Once you identify the core reason you can take some steps to deal with it.

Habit

Breaking a habit succeeds best if you replace the old behaviour with something else. If you have  a habit of starting sentences with ‘I’m sorry’ when you mean ‘I want to interrupt’ try saying, ‘May I interrupt for a moment’. Be literal. Or you could try beginning by using the person’s name instead of the S word.

Over use of the word sorry is very common with women. I hear it often on my training courses and sometimes it sounds as if the woman is apologising for having a point of view to express. It devalues what follows it, detracts from the authority of your words. Banish it.

And if an apology is genuinely appropriate, try and find another way of offering it. You don’t need to banish the S word forever, just while you are in sorry therapy!

Language is hugely powerful and without realising it we can weaken our impact simply by using the wrong words.

Powerful language enables us to take control.

Here are some communication styles that weaken your impact when speaking at work:

‘It’s my feeling that…‘ (It’s easy to dismiss comments as just her feelings.)

‘I’m sorry, but...’ (what are you apologising for? Have you done something wrong?)

‘I think that it might be better if…‘ (Too many justifications.)

‘I‘ve got a problem with…‘ (just state the problem, don’t make it your fault.)

If you believe something is wrong try just saying it straight. You don’t need to make people feel better about something by first putting yourself down.

And you certainly don’t need to apologise for having an opinion!

What are your personal dislikes when it comes to language at work?