Do You Remember…?
I was about to sit down and write you a great post this morning but somewhere between my bedroom, (where the thought came to me as I awoke) and my study, the great post evaporated! There is no remaining trace of it despite my best wracking of brain efforts.
So I am doing what I always do when I can’t remember something – I am stopping trying.
Now you may think that is rather defeatist of me but trust me, it works! When you have those momentary lapses of memory (which we all do) it is not advancing senility but simply a sign of an active mind! So stop adding to it’s activity, let it go, and quietly and calmly say to yourself:
“It will come back to me”
and it probably will!
As for that excellent post you were going to get….it’ll come back to me, soon!
What’s your best tip for remembering?
Your Mantra
All of us have sayings and phrases in our head, probably stemming from childhood, which help or hinder us in our daily lives.
This can happen at a subconscious level so being aware of what they are can be very liberating. Once you identify the sayings or messages that sap your energy or confidence, you can begin the process of replacing them with something that gives you a boost!
I have an exercise in my Renewyou course on this and am always amazed how ‘naming the beast’ can almost immediately be part of its taming.
Unloveable?
For example, if you have an ‘I am unloveable’ message running through your head, you may be unwittingly projecting this image when people come close. You may be protecting yourself from what you see as an inevitable rejection by giving a subconscious ‘don’t get close’ message. This will be showing itself in all manner of ways: body language, where you choose to sit, eating lunch alone, not joining in with work events, and so on.
Name and Tame
Once you have recognised that this is what you are doing you can begin to deal with it. You may want to do some work on how those messages got there, but a more immediate thing to do is to replace the ‘unloveable’ one with something else. Maybe even as simple as ‘I am loveable’.
Do You Believe People Can Change?
Do you believe people can change? My whole career has been built on the principle that, yes, they can! It’s not easy but it happens all the time.
It is important to believe that it’s possible though or you will be stuck with the same patterns of behaviour for ever. Which is fine, if it’s working for you but not so fine if you are feeling fed up and disgruntled with the hand life has dealt you.
Life Story
When I worked with youngsters who had experienced trauma and loss in their short lives, we frequently made a life story book, looking at the significant events of their lives. Usually these kids had had no control over what happened to them and many of them had had experiences you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. The life story work had many purposes, but one was to help them understand that they could take back some control of their lives in the future and not see themselves as helpless victims of their past.
Don’t Get Stuck
I often work with people who have had a difficult life by any standards. Some are stuck, feeling that they can’t throw this off; their early experiences of life are continuing to haunt and inform everything they do. Conversely, I have been privileged to work with some amazing people who have had equally devastating experiences but have made a decision not to let this ruin the rest of their lives, and to use it in a positive fashion. They have let the negative experiences make them stronger.
Survivors
I am struck by this survivor mentality most forcibly when I read accounts of holocaust survivors. People who endured unimaginable tragedy yet went on to have amazing lives, made films, made music, wrote great literature. One such inspirational woman was Alice Herz-Sommer whose story I read in The Guardian newspaper in 2006. She was 103 at the time!
Alice had endured the ghettos in Prague, lost her husband in Auschwitz along with many members of her family yet when interviewed she showed no trace of bitterness. She had gone on to become a gifted concert pianist and at 103 was still playing for several hours a day.
She said:
” I never spoke a word about it….I didn’t want my son to grow up with hatred in his heart…….my son had very good friends in Germany.
I had a twin sister – same mother, same father, same upbringing. She was extremely gifted but a terrible pessimist, but I was the contrary. This is the reason I am so old, even now, I am sure. I am looking for the nice things in life. I know about the bad things, but I only look for the good things.
Life is beautiful, extremely beautiful. And when you are old you appreciate it more. When you are older you think, you remember, you care and you appreciate. You are thankful for everything. For everything.”
She was the absolute embodiment of my favourite quote of all time, from a first century BC Stoic philosopher, Epictetus. In essence he said:
WE ARE NOT TOUCHED SO MUCH BY LIFE’S EVENTS, BUT BY THE VIEW WE CHOOSE TO TAKE OF THEM.
Therein lies the underlying message of every self help book ever written!
You can read an article on Alice in full by clicking here
Get Rich Quick!
In times of economic downturn we can psychologically feel poor, even if our actual material condition has not changed. (Obviously if your job is at threat, or you are not in receipt of a regular income then your concern is real.) But for many of us the economic gloom is causing a less tangible feeling of somehow being under threat. We need to take back control of our thoughts and realise that even if we don’t have a lot of money, we are rich in so many other things.
Whatever your circumstances, whether you are rich in money or not, there will be areas of your life where you are truly rich, where you have wealth in abundance. Get in touch with your ‘HAPPINESS BANK’.
The Happiness Bank
Your happiness bank will be unique to you but research has shown that remembering happy events can cause our serotin levels to rise and raise our feelings of well being. The problem is, that with the news full of gloomy events and predictions, we have to make much more of a conscious effort to stop our thoughts following a negative path, leaving us feeling low and disatisfied.
So have a quick look at the deposits in your bank, your memories. Scientists have shown that people begin to smile and their serotonin levels rise at even the thought of watching a funny film. So it is with memories. See if you can bring to mind a particularly warm and happy memory for you. Maybe a great evening with friends, a special relationship you had, a time in your life when you were really happy. It probably won’t have much to do with the amount of money in your pocket.
Really take yourself into the memory, the sounds, sights, and smells of it. Close your eyes if it helps. I hope it’s making you smile. Dip into that bank regularly; unlike your actual bank account you can’t use it all up!
Create Some Deposits
Although you can’t use it up, you can add to it. You can even create your own little book of positivity as many of my coaching clients have done, when you jot down all the nice things that happen to you during the course of your week. Like a smile from a child, a cup of coffee with a good friend, a great book someone loaned you… it’s up to you. To make deposits you need to be aware of the world around you but instead of focusing on the negative aspects look for the good.
An Example
A few months back I was travelling home from London to Bath, stuck on a slip road trying to join the 
motorway. I was getting fed up, tired and hungry and beginning to feel a bit sorry for myself as all around me drivers were getting impatient and aggressive. My eyes alighted on a derelict spot by the side of the road, and I noticed a beautiful display of wild poppies. Their cheery splash of red made me smile spontaneously and lifted my mood. They were a vision of absolute beauty: they made it into my little book of positivity. Every time I pass that spot (usually at a crawl) even when they are out of season, I remember the poppies and smile.
Try it for a day. Don’t let the gloom mongerers control your mood, you control it! And as ever, let me know how you get on.
