Tips to Boost Your Confidence

Do you sometimes find yourself losing confidence? Do you have flashes of seeing yourself failing at whatever you want to do? Is lack of confidence in your abilities holding you back from living life to the full?

If you answered yes to any of the above you are not alone. Very few of us get by without the occasional blip in our confidence levels. And even the most confident of people have moments when they feel they just can’t do it. Honestly!

The good news is that we can learn to be confident! Confidence is a feeling and we are in charge of our feelings!

I Feel…?

The next time the confidence wobble strikes, take a few moments to acknowledge just how you are feeling. Make a conscious attempt to slow your breathing (just being aware of it can help slow it) and note how you feel physically and emotionally. Are you hot, or in a cold sweat, or even shaking slightly? Do you feel anxious, nervous, or even angry? Try to be quite specific and honest with yourself.

Slowing your breathing will help with the nervousness. Practise doing that until it comes easily to you, but don’t hyperventilate!

Internal mail

Now focus on what is your internal mail saying to you. You may be so used to hearing it that you don’t even realise it’s there. It’s like spam, unwanted messages piling into your in box.

But in this case simply deleting it is not enough because once it’s in there it’s already infecting everything else, so we have to neutralise it. Your automatic spam mail is sapping your confidence, slowly and insidiously, like a virus.

You may hear phrases like:

“You’re getting above yourself here”

“Keep in the background, no one is interested in you”

“You’re too stupid to take part in this conversation”

“Don’t challenge the status quo, don’t rock the boat!”

“People like you don’t get jobs like that”

Ring any bells? Honestly we all do it; the trick is to be aware of it, and then stop it before it gets too strong a hold in any one situation.

And then make it work for you.

Work for You

Take your spammy message and make it positive.

Keep it simple.

Keep it positive.

Keep it real.

For example, “You’re too stupid…”. Where did that come from? If you spend long enough thinking about it, it might have been a phrase from a teacher that haunts you, or even a casual throw away comment from parents or guardians that hit you at a vulnerable time. And you may have been unconsciously nurturing it ever since, allowing it to grow and flourish.

Time to let it go. You are clearly not stupid but constantly giving yourself that negative message is sapping your confidence. You are making yourself feel stupid.

Saying it to yourself has become habit, possibly even a comforting habit. So simply not saying it will be difficult. You need to replace it with something that works for you, and only you know what that is. It has to be something that you would say so taking someone else’s words or mantra probably won’t work.

Your new message needs to be something along the lines of “I am as good as everyone else here” or “My views are useful” or “I’ll give it a go – I’ll survive”

Confidence Mantra

Take a moment now to design your own confidence mantra. Think of it as your spam control. When that insidious  message creeps in again, zap it with the powerful mantra. You’ll need to practise a few times but it will work. Those little messages are well lodged and will want to stay, but you can get rid of them! You can you know! You are much more powerful than a few words!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent”- Eleanor Roosevelt. Great quote!

Three Questions for Helpful Thinking!

I’ve written before about the benefits of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, C.B.T., and positive thinking so here’s some practical suggestions!

At the core is the idea that our thoughts can block us from viewing life in a positive way, a way that’s helpful to us. Positive thinking helps us to identify those beliefs we hold which drag us down and distort our thinking (In my RenewYou course I call this our internal mail), and change them.

The first step in managing your unhelpful thinking is becoming aware of the negative thoughts. Jot them down each time they pop into your head:

“I can’t do that”, “I’m no good at that”, “I’ll fail this” etc.

Each time you find yourself falling into the old pattern try answering these three questions:

• What is my evidence for this?
• Is there any evidence that doesn’t support this belief? Be as honest and objective as you can; treat it as an academic exercise.
• How might someone else interpret this event? What’s an alternative way of explaining what’s happened?

What are your best tips for keeping in a positive frame of mind?

Be a Good Friend to Yourself

How many times day are you rude to yourself? Stop and think about how you talk to yourself for a moment or two. Do you use phrases like: ‘I‘m so stupid‘, ‘ I never get that right‘, ‘What an idiot I am‘, ‘I’m so fat, I have no will power’.

Talking to Yourself?

We all do it from time to time with varying degrees of rudeness! And much of the time it doesn’t matter. But sometimes the balance tips and we can actually create self fulfilling prophecies in our lives; we make ourselves feel worse and less able to combat the behaviour we want to change.

I have an exercise in my RenewYou course when we look at some of the self talk that goes on almost unnoticed in our heads, and the negative impact it has on our behaviour. I call it ‘Internal Mail’, some of which should go straight to the junk box! That exercise doesn’t translate well onto the page but below is one that does.

Try This Exercise

Pay attention for one day to the way you speak to yourself. If you can, jot the offending phrases down and what was happening when you ‘said’ it.

At the end of the day, review what you have written. Now imagine yourself with your best friend and that she/he is telling you of similar incidents to the ones you have experienced. Do you tell them they are stupid, or do you offer support, encouragement, advice and sympathy? I have no doubt it’s the latter. I am sure you are a much better friend to them than to yourself!

Try the exercise again, noting down your self talk. Only this time respond as if to a friend. Give yourself the same level of support, encouragement, advice and sympathy that you give to your friends. Be a best friend to yourself for a change!

Question

What’s the worst or funniest thing you say to yourself?

Positive Thinking – a negative act?

There’s been a lot of debate and discussion in the media about positive thinking and whether it has any real value. So here are my thoughts on positive thinking!

I do not believe that thinking positive thoughts alone changes anything in fact and reality.

I do not think by lying in my room focussing on the amount of money I want to earn, or world peace, will actually achieve either of those things.

I am not aware of any empirical, peer reviewed research that supports this idea (although I am aware of single pieces of research on the power of prayer, etc)

However, I do believe that what we think has a powerful impact on how we act, how we are perceived by others, and this DOES have an impact on how we behave and how others behave towards us.

An Example

One of the most upsetting comments often made to me at seminars etc is that somehow, by failing to think positively about a situation, people have brought harm upon themselves, or worse, upon people they care about. I have even heard some people suggesting that if people only had taken charge of their health and thought more positively about it then they would not have got ill.

There is a small element of truth in this; if I am unhappy, smoke, overeat and use drugs and medication to ill effect, then I am in a sense allowing myself to become ill. Or at the very least shortening my odds on a long and healthy life.

But to go from this position to a (in my opinion) nonsensical and judgemental all illness is brought upon ourselves viewpoint is a total distortion of the benefits of positive thinking.

But I do believe there is a huge role for positive thinking in helping people feel better and aiding recovery. And there is substantial evidence of this, particularly in the field of mental health, with well researched bona fide studies on the impact of cognitive behavioural therapy, C.B.T.

At its most simplistic level, if I think sad thoughts I make myself feel sad, or more sad. And vice versa.

When I’m coaching people one of my most frequent questions is a variant of ‘How did you feel when ***** happened?‘ Understanding how our thoughts are impacting on our behaviour helps us  possibly change that behaviour. If, as often transires, a negative train of thought is being tripped into action, recognising that pattern and reversing it (by using positive thinking among other things) can have hugely beneficial consequences. Not because there is something magical and mystical about postive thinking, but because reframing how we look at life helps us deal with it differently- and it can make us feel better!

Stoic Philosopy

As ever, I return to my old friend (very old, born AD 55) Epictetus, a Greek Stoic Philosopher who said:

“We are not touched so much by events themselves, but by the view we CHOOSE to take of them”

We can’t control life’s events by merely thinking about them in a certain way, but we can control how we react to them. We always have a choice and I believe choosing to think about life in a positive way enhances all of your life, and the lives of those around you!

But what do YOU think?

Make Your Negative Positive!

Childhood Beliefs

We all hold thoughts and beliefs in our head that have their roots in our childhood. We will have absorbed messages over the years from significant people in our lives. Some of these messages are great and help us live our lives to the maximum. If you had a parent or significant adult, for example, who always told you to give it a go and encouraged you to try new things, you are probably pretty good at doing just that.

On the other hand, if you had a parent who was always fearful for your safety, not allowing you to take even small risks, you may ‘hear’ that message in your head each time you try to attempt something new. ‘Stick with what you know’, or ‘No good will come of it’.

On my RENEWYOU course I have an exercise in helping people understand what these messages might be. I call it ‘Internal mail – save or delete?’ You could try it now. Spend a few moments thinking what messages you have internalised over the years. If you find it difficult to recall, keep a note pad by you for a day and jot them down as they come into your mind. What is your default thinking? Don’t forget to include the good as well as the not so good, and try not to judge whoever brought you up; they were doing the best they could and none of us are perfect!

Review Your List

Once you have your list in front of you spend a few moments deciding which ones you want to keep. Now look at those you could well do without – the ones that hold you back, keep you down and sap your energy. These are very powerful influences on your behaviour but the good news is that you can reverse their effect!

If we want to change our habits we need to replace the old habit with a new one. So it is with negative thoughts. Challenge your negative thinking with positive thoughts. For more advice on how to do this take a look at the post linked below on positive thoughts. You’ll have to practise them a few times but it will work! And maybe you’d like to share how you get on? It’s always great to hear from you.

The Mayonnaise Jar – and the Coffee!

Is Your Jar Full?

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar – and the coffee.

A Professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.  He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”

The Professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

“Now,” said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,your car.

The sand is everything else – the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first”, he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.  Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with your children.  Take time to look after your health. Take care of your partner.  There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the drains.  Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.The rest is just sand.”

When he had finished, there was a profound silence.  Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the coffee represented.

The Professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.  It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of coffee with friends.”

I don’t know where this little story originated but it always raises a smile. If you know the author do please let me know.