Can You Stop Feeling Guilty?
‘Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man’ – Erica Jong
Well, I might take issue with the idea implicit in this that men don’t feel guilt; I know they do. But my experience suggests that we women may hold the record for feeling lots of it in almost every area of our lives! Women are very good at feeling guilty!
I’m not talking about profound and deep seated issues here, which require psychiatric intervention and truly blight lives. That is a complex and much more difficult situation to manage.
I’m talking about the many pangs of guilt we feel, sometimes fleetingly, sometimes continually, every day.
For example, do you feel guilty if:
- You don’t take that phone call from a friend you know will drain you emotionally?
- You skip breakfast and then eat a bagel with cream cheese and a bag of crisps and no fruit?
- You love your work but think you should spend more time with your family?
- You were too tired to listen properly to your partner?
- You hate housework?
- The idea of being a domestic goddess makes you ill but…?
- You don’t weigh in at the ideal weight for your height (not tall enough probably, that’s my excuse)?
- You feel guilty because you keep feeling guilty about things…?
Try ‘The Get Rid of Guilt’ Exercise!
Every time you feel the guilt pang, make a note. How many times in a day do you feel guilty?
Look at your list and try to honestly answer these questions:
Is that guilt yours? By which I mean, have you contravened your moral code, done something you feel ashamed of? Or, as in some of the examples above, have you not lived up to someone else’s’ ideal of what womanhood should be?
And finally, is it an indicator for you of a problem you need to tackle in your life?
I have another favourite quote to share-
‘It’s always better to feel guilty for something you’ve actually done, rather than something you’ve left undone!’
Can You See Your Future?
One of the most frequent dilemmas presented to me when coaching is
” I don’t like where I am but I don’t know where I want to be“.
Knowing where you want to be does not mean you’ll automatically get there, but it does help you make the right choices on the route!
It’s difficult sometimes; we all have a natural tendency to focus on what we don’t want, or don’t like. It’s much harder to be clear about we actually want.
So I have something to help you! If you click on the free audio download to your right you will hear me reading my specially written visualisation. It’s specifically designed to help you work out just where it is you want to be by tapping into your creative subconscious.
I wrote it as a companion to my book, but it works well alone too. You can, if you wish, download it to listen to at your leisure. Somewhere without distraction is best, where you can lie down, relax, and devote some time to what you really want from life!
Enjoy it!
Make Time for You
Here’s a quick exercise to help you think about how effectively you use your time. It’s not about being busy all the time, filling every moment, but more about making time for you, and your development.
Take yourself to a quiet place with a notebook and pen. Just sit for few moments and reflect on what it is you feel you never have time to do. These are usually things that will bring you pleasure, but sometimes they are things you think you ‘ought’ to do.
Don’t over-think this exercise, just jot down whatever comes to mind; it’s for your eyes only. Ask yourself : “What Things Do I Never Have Time For?”
Now look at your list and ask yourself the following:
- Which of these are for me?
- Which of these do I think I should be doing for other people, or because everyone else seems to have done it (like read ‘War & Peace’!)
- When do I think I will do these things?
- What is stopping me doing them now?
Are You Good Enough?
Sometimes good enough is good enough.
If you find yourself unable to ever settle for less than perfection there’s a strong likelihood that you spend much of your life feeling very pressurised and stressed. Perfection in all areas at all times is rarely a realistic aim.
That doesn’t mean one shouldn’t strive for it, but if you are constantly unhappy with your less than perfect attempts you will never do anything: it can stultify you, and stop you from experimenting and trying new things. Being a perfectionist can stop you learning and growing and hold back your personal development. If ‘Be Perfect’ is one of your drivers, try ‘Good Enough’ for a day!
Sometimes good enough is good enough!
What do you think?
Free Book and Coaching Competition!
Well, it’s not really a competition as such, more of a request for some advice with a little inducement (at least I hope it is an inducement…)!
If you receive the newsletter you will already know what I’m going to say so look away now…
TV Ideas?
Recently I’ve been having some interesting discussions about women’s programmes on TV. There are masses of lifestyle type programmes telling women what to eat, how to look, how to talk, how not to look, what not to eat, how to be a good wife, the list goes on! There aren’t a lot of programmes looking inwards, thinking about personal development issues (and if you know of some please tell me!)
What type of programme would you like to watch about women’s personal development? Bearing in mind the type of posts that I write and the courses I deliver, how would you like to see this represented on TV? Share your great ideas with me!
In return, the best suggestion will receive a signed copy of my book and one hour of coaching from me!
So come on, amaze me with your thoughts by clicking this link or sending a direct email to enquiries at changingpeople.co.uk
I’ll choose my best answer by mid May. THANK YOU!
Career Tips for Women # 15
Just occasionally when I’m coaching within a corporate contract,* I come across women unhappy with their career progress but seemingly unwilling to do anything about it. They are waiting for some mythical ‘them‘ to notice how good they are and offer them training, development and a better job!
If you are not progressing as you wish in your job the responsibility rests with you to do something about it. No one cares about it as much as you do, and no one will put as much genuine effort and investment in positive change as you.
Take Advantage
Step one, take a look around your organisation and see what it can offer you. Not everthing is advertised or well known to all staff. For example, if you can’t get funding from an employer to take more professional qualifications, perhaps you can negotiate study leave, or encourage the learning & development department to order the books you need. Ask Personnel/Human Resources what is actually on offer to help staff progress.
Step two, talk to your manager and make sure she/he knows of your aspirations. Ask to be considered for any projects which will help, volunteer to go to meetings representing your area, join professional associations which will help increase both your knowledge and profile, and network appropriately.
Step three, if there isn’t any training or courses being offered which will help you, find out who is offering this training and send the details to your training section or manager. Do the leg work for them; instead of complaining about lack of training you need be positive and proactive.
Take Control
And finally, if what your employer has to offer is not enough, do it yourself. I have met some amazing women through my courses who have funded their own qualification, or worked for free, or attended night school, or saved enough to do a full time course. I know about them because they are always the enthusiastic ones who stay around after the course has finished, extracting every last bit of value from their experience. They are the ones who invest time and effort in themselves and don’t expect anyone else to do it for them!
* ie The women I’m coaching are funded by their workplace. By definition, women who are investing in coaching themselves are the ones taking responsibility for their own development.
PS If you’re not sure what a great job is for you, but know you don’t like what you’re doing now, I have the perfect answer for you! Click here!
