Self Esteem and Change

When we find ourselves in a state of change (over which we have no control, like a major reorganisation) our levels of confidence and self esteem can drop. In a Gallop poll on what makes for a good workplace ‘knowing what my job is and what’s expected of me’ came out as number one.

During periods of change we rarely know what’s expected of us, or what our job will be. And that leads to a fall off in productivity, less work satisfaction, and a loss of self worth. And this loss of self worth occurs just at the time we need to feel on top, to be on the radar for new roles!

Change Exercise

Here’s an exercise to try out to boost your confidence. It is crucial to remember that you are much, much more than the job you do. You have multiple skills and qualities gained over your life. Some you use in your current role; some you have probably forgotten that you even have.

Take a sheet of paper, draw up four columns headed ‘work’, ‘home/life’, ‘hobbies’ and ‘other’. The columns are just for guidance so don’t get bogged down with them.

Now list every single skill or attribute that you can think of. You don’t have to be an expert, just have some knowledge in it. It’s simply knowledge you could share if asked.

For example, you may have experienced some life events that you’ve never actually evaluated, like a divorce. The increased knowledge and experience from this will be massive but you’ve probably just absorbed it into your life without fully appreciating the experience gained. It will have included managing finances, managing loss, forging a new life, new friends, maybe helping children and family come to terms with the change, possibly involvement through the courts. Take time to think about it.

Maybe you have acquired a qualification while working, or childrearing? Perhaps you have run a charity stall? Maybe you bake cakes? Perhaps you’ve walked the Pennine way? Help out with a kids’ club? This is really a very wide ranging exercise and anything goes. It doesn’t matter how long ago; those skills, attributes and hard won knowledge are still there, accessible to you if you choose. Hopefully once you actually start the ideas will keep flowing and you will get at least 20 things down. Yes, I do mean 20. Get a friend to help if possible. Better still, do this exercise with  a friend.

Now look down your list. Know that you are much more than the job you do. You’ve gained a lot of experience and skills in your life; they make you who you are. This experience of change will add to those skills and qualities.  You will be stronger. You will survive.

If you are undergoing change at the moment, you may find this post on Does Change Make You Feel Stressed? helpful.

And if you are managing staff through a change process, I can send you a free ebook, simply email me.

Photo Credit: Boris Peterka

If (there’s a clue) you find yourself oft repeating “If only…” you’ve found your two words. Two simple words that are holding you back.

If only I were cleverer…

If only I had a better boss…

If only my manager was female…

If only I lived somewhere else…

If only I had more money…

If only I was thin…

If only I could get a seat on the board…

Stop Wishing, Start Planning

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride” This phrase dates back to the 16th Century, we humans have been doing this for sometime! Basically it says stop wasting time merely thinking about stuff and go and do something!

Which is my message today. Every time we get stuck into the ‘what ifs of life we are giving away our personal power. You are extraordinary. You have amazing potential; tap into it. Take back control of your personal power. Decide what you want in life. Critically evaluate it. If your dream seems impossible at the moment, start with a smaller one, one that starts you off on your path. Get help, retrain, sign up for an evening class, start saving, get support, professional and personal. Do whatever you need to do to start making your what ifs a reality!

If this has struck a chord, take a look at When Did You Last Put a Toe in the Water?

Photo Credit: Naveen Saxena

• Appreciation means to recognize and value the contributions or attributes of things and people around us.

• Inquiry means to explore and discover, in the spirit of seeking to better understand, and being open to new possibilities.

Put the two together and this means that by appreciating what is good and valuable in the present situation, we can discover and learn about ways to effect positive change for the future. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Of course it’s not quite that simple, especially if we have got stuck in another way of behaving. But if you practice it does become easier, I promise!

Have a go at it for the next 24 hours. Think of it as your Pollyanna personna!

Your two questions for today are:

1. What is working well in my life, what is good?
2. How can I do more of it?

That’s it! Just two simple questions. Give it a whirl and let me know how you get on. No negativity allowed all day…

Photo Credit: Andrejs Pidjass

Traditionally notices in waiting rooms read something like:

Last month we had 39 missed appointments which cost the surgery over £800 and wasted valuable time which could have been used by others. Please let us know if you are unable to attend.

These notices had no discernible effect on getting people to do what they wanted. However, when they changed their notices to something like:

Last month 90% of patients kept their appointment with us. Thank you so much!

they found that the number of missed appointments fell by 30%! Positive messages reinforcing that keeping an appointment is just normal had a very positive effect!

They also used two other methods which worked. In a non patronising way they got patients to repeat back the date of their appointment, i.e. say it out loud, and also to write it down themselves. Again this meant significantly fewer people missed appointments; they changed their behaviour.

Positive Thinking

I am not surprised at all. We know that telling someone of our intentions helps reinforce them in our minds, and that writing something down helps us do it. Which is why on my courses I encourage women to share their goals and then to write them down.

A Positive Change Exercise

Try it for yourself.

1) Write down what you’d like to achieve in the next four weeks: be realistic about how much is feasible.

2) Share your aims with a friend, talk about how you’re going to do it and add in the details.

3) Pay serious attention to the messages you give yourself. Your ‘spam’. Are these of the ‘we lost masses of money because you couldn’t be bothered to keep your appointment’ variety, or are they the encouraging ‘ way hey, brilliant you! The surgery is working well because of your efforts and consideration for others’ ? Think about it. What Way hey message would positively reinforce your good intentions?

4) Imagine yourself, in your mind’s eye, having accomplished all you want to do. Just take a few moments each day to visualise yourself being hugely successful at making those positive changes. Feeling good? Hang on to that feeling!

If you’ve enjoyed this post you might also like Three Questions for Helpful Thinking. What’s your best tip for achieving your goals?

It doesn’t matter how many self help books you read (even mine!), how much you practise circular breathing, how much you think positively, how often you chant, focus on words on the ceiling (good grief), there is no substitute for actually doing something to get where you want to be. That means real, down to earth, honest to goodness hard work, not simply thinking about what you want to happen if only everything would come together in your favour!

Phew, that was good to say! There really is no substitute for actually getting on with it. I was asked by a journalist recently if I thought the current self help culture meant people thought they ‘deserved’ to succeed, that that there was a solution for everything and everyone should be happy all the time. Good question.

I do come across this attitude from time to time, and there is masses of information out there giving you all sorts of advice about how you can be wonderful, have a great life etc. My site is full of it too. I have a passion for helping women live their lives to the max and getting out of it what they want. You will find masses of information here to help you get going, to inspire and push you on.

But anyone who has ever worked with me knows that one of my continual questions is:

‘What are you actually going to do and when are you going to do it?‘

Add Ons

All the other things I have mentioned help, of course they do, but they are additional to actually doing something. If you want to write a novel you can make yourself an inspiring room to write in. You can read books by other writers. You can sign up to writing courses. You can buy a beautiful notebook, lovely pens. All these things may motivate you to get going, build your confidence, and increase your pleasure in the task. BUT at some point the preparation has to stop and the real writing has to begin or the book will always remain an idea.

Likewise, if you want to change your job, you could buy my book, do all the exercises, listen to the visualisation. You will have prepared yourself well and got a good idea of the steps you need to take to make those changes. Hopefully I will even have inspired you to be brave and bold. BUT you still have to go out there, buy newspapers, look for jobs, and apply for them. You still have to take the risks yourself, decide when the time is right to start your own business, go into partnership with a friend, or ask the bank for a business loan.

Focus

All of the preparation is good; I wouldn’t recommend that you jump will nilly into something (well, maybe sometimes a bit of risk taking can be energising, when we just follow our instincts! It can work.)

The problem comes when all our energies go into preparing, (or complaining) and not into doing. If you have a long held dream beginning  ‘one day I will…’ do you know when that ‘one day’ is? Certainly do all the preparing, and if you are in a job you loathe preparing now for a new one when times are better may help you through the interim period. But do give yourself a date when you will move from preparing into doing. Review it regularly. After all, you don’t want to be looking behind you muttering wistfully, ‘If only…’.

I was already a fan but listening to his story I was struck again by how high achievers in any field are never overnight successes. They work hard at their craft for their great moments and they know their stuff; they have served their apprenticeship.

And Eddie Izzard certainly knows his stuff. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. And when he went to break new ground in the US he went with humility. He didn’t expect to be an ‘overnight success’;  he applied the same strategy he’d used before. Start small, get a following, learn the US audience, work hard and believe in yourself.

There was one comment in particular that I wanted to share with you. Eddie had always wanted to act and was able to use his comedy platform to get into acting. Someone said to him (I’m paraphrasing as I was too riveted to take notes!):

“But why be an average actor when you are an outstanding comedian?”

And he replied:

“I was once an average comedian”.

Take a leaf from Eddie’s book.  Most of us can get to average; it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be outstanding. Set your goal and go for it! Be outstanding! And if you need any inspiration, I thoroughly recommend a copy of Eddie’s DVD, Believe, The Eddie Izzard Story. It works for me!

Who inspires you to be outstanding?

I know so many women who are worried about their weight. I’m most definitely not a diet consultant, and I’ve given up dieting, having finally realised that they never work and you always pile on the weight again! But the topic of weight usually emerges in any informal conversation between women at some point. And for many it is a cause of unhappiness.

The No Diet Book?

So I am fascinated by a book I have stumbled upon which claims that changing your habits can help you reach your ideal weight without ever thinking about food or starving yourself!

Usually I’d consign anything making such claims straight to my ‘nice, but deluded‘ bin. But this one is co written by some pretty respected people (Professor Ben Fletcher, Dr Karen Pine, & Dr Danny Penman). I have already reviewed ‘Sheconomics‘ co-authored by Dr Karen Pine and found it to be full of sound good sense, so I actually bought this book out of curiosity to see what they have to say.

The book is called ‘The No Diet (do something different) Diet Book’ and is based on the premise that by actually doing different things, increasing your flexibility and attitudes towards life, you will actually settle at your optimum weight. Strong stuff! Yet, I sign up to much of what they say and use many of the techniques when working one to one or in my courses to help people make positive life changes. Hmm…

I am halfway through reading the book and not a mention of banned foods or exercise! It’s chock full of some really interesting facts and lots of accessible science.

Trial

Now in all honesty, I can’t tell you whether this book is good bad or indifferent, as I haven’t followed the advice. But I am intrigued enough to try. It contains some straightforward instructions to follow so for once, instead of dispensing the advice, I’m going to try taking it. And I’ll blog most week ends on my progress. For example:

Step 4 – Go for a 15 minute walk. Think about your life and what you want from it.

That’s exactly what I recommend on my courses. In fact, if the weather is fine I encourage participants to go and do just that! The authors have a whole month worth of habit changing tasks to try which they claim will help you change your behaviour around eating:

“To cut a long story short, the results of our research at the University of Hertfordshire boiled down to this: you are overweight because you’re trapped inside a web of habits that prevent you from losing weight permanently. It doesn’t matter how determined you are to lose weight, if you don’t overcome the habits that keep you fat, you will remain forever overweight. Break these habits however, and you will effortlessly lose weight”

The authors recommend trying this out with a friend so you encourage and support each other. If you’d like to try this out with me, you can get the book from most large bookshops, or they’ll order it for you (ISBN is 0 75287-400-4, publisher is Orion) or get it direct via Amazon

And look out for the updates!

In tips one and two we looked at managing feelings, and doing some groundwork on CVs. In tip three I am suggesting that you take some time out to really understand what it is about your current role that you don’t like.

WORK OUT WHY YOU DON’T LIKE IT

Ask yourself the following questions and answer as honestly as you can:

• Is it the attitude of other workers?
• Is it too undemanding of you?
• Is it too much of a stretch for you at the moment?
• Do the value of the organisation jar with your own value system?
• Is it the management style?
• Is it lack of prospects?
• Is it poor pay?
• Is it the office environment?
• Is it the geographical location?

It’s important to understand why this job doesn’t do it for you, so you can be more specific about what you actually do want!

There are more exercises like this in ‘When Work Isn’t Working’., a workbook to help you find your perfect job!

One of the consequences of the economic recession is less movement in the job markets. People are staying put for fear of  ‘last in, first out syndrome’. And of course, there are fewer jobs out there and more competition for those that are around.

So how do you keep your motivation going? How do you drag yourself out of bed every morning to do a job that you hate? It’s not easy and if you are in this position you have my sympathies. It’s horrid.

Self Pity

But don’t go too far down the self pity route! At least you do have a job and aren’t reliant on benefits. You’re still in the world of work. So my first tip is:

MANAGE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT WORK

If you’ve ever done any of my training, read my articles or my book, (When Work isn’t Working) you’ll know that I firmly believe we need to take control of our feelings, and that we CAN take control of our feelings even when it feels like pretty much everything else is outside of our control!

If you start each day giving yourself a really negative message, your day is only going to get worse. You are what you think. If you think devalued and worthless thoughts about your work it comes across and you feel worse. Whatever else is happening, your thoughts are your own (‘they‘ can’t make you feel anything-honestly!). Decide now to give yourself a positive message every morning that will help you through this period of your life, not one that will bring you down. (Check this out for some confidence boosting tips)

Your Action Points

• Identify your automatic negative thoughts about your work.

• Notice how often you speak to yourself about work in an unhelpful way

• Notice how this makes you feel. Does it make you feel better or worse (I’m not talking about sharing a moan with a pal, that can be therapeutic!)

• How can you change your negative internal mail into something that will help you through this period of your life?

• Try replacing all negative thoughts with positive ones for one week. What difference has this made to your week?

This is the first in a series of tips to help you through difficult times; if you have found it helpful you might like to receive my newsletter -just sign up in the blue box opposite the picture. And please do share this with others and add your own tips and hints! It’s great to get your comments!

Jane: Gee, you live what many women would call the dream life! How do you now make your living?
Gee: I am a goldsmith which means I work specifically with gold and other precious stones and metal. I design and make jewellery and specialise in creating unique compass jewellery.

Calling it the dream life is pretty accurate as I live in a very sunny part of the world, find my work absorbing and am my own boss. I also get to go on gemstone buying sprees which makes me one of the luckiest people in the world. Sweeties for grown-ups.

When you were at school did you have any career thoughts? Did you follow a traditional path, go onto college, or get out into the world of work very quickly?
My career thoughts were that, if I were going to be independent, I needed one! I didn’t have a clue about what I wanted to do, so struggled with how I could possibly choose what to study at A-level. In the end, with good qualifications and the drive to succeed, I studied Computer Studies at degree level.

As a female student, who’d also sneaked in a year earlier than her contemporaries, studying in a male dominated arena was quite a challenge. In spite of having been under the watchful eye of the tutors, I achieved a distinction and came out with results in the top 5%.

What was your very first job? Do you remember how much you got paid?
I started out as a programmer in 1987 working for a company in the private sector. My pay was £7,500 a year. It was a great company to work for; varied work with the space and encouragement to use your initiative. The people were interesting and there was a definite feeling of unity.

What has been the worst job you’ve ever had? With hindsight, what were the lessons you took from it?
Working for a huge organisation as an Analyst/Programmer on a colossal project with no particular visibility was dull dull dull. Oh yes, and there was a strong political undercurrent, too. Yuk. The lesson I learned from that little escapade was that, in an interview situation, the communication needs to be 2-way. My finding out about whether I’m going to like the job is just as important as the interviewer’s assessment of whether I have the right experience and qualifications.

What does jewellery making do for you?
Running my own jewellery making business does several things for me. It allows me to express my practical nature; there’s definitely something very satisfactory about being able to see the tangible results of my efforts. There is also a great sense of achievement in applying skills and techniques to meet some specific requirement or overcome a challenge. The technical requirements of the profession, for example, how different metals will behave in certain situations, also keeps it interesting.

Oh yes, and being able to bash the living daylights out of some piece of work that’s gone wrong (yes, there are days like that) using a big hammer on the anvil, is simply delightful.

Jewellery making is also a wonderful way to celebrate individuality. Each piece I make is a unique, one of a kind creation. Creating compass jewellery adds another dimension, adding independence and change into the mix. Sometimes people want to change. The changes we desire vary in nature, magnitude and significance. How we choose to achieve them is another variable. Each of my compass creations celebrates this complex uniqueness. My hope is to inspire individuals to choose their direction.

Who or what has inspired you the most?
My music teacher was an inspiration to me. As well as a being very accomplished musician, she was an inventor of electronic gadgets, for example, a foot operated page turner for music books. Her independence knew no bounds and she tackled plumbing-in her own bathroom with aplomb when she was in her 60s. She had a pragmatic approach to life; a precious rarity that I admired enormously. Of course, this also translated into her winning all discussions on the subject of my piano practise!

I shall never forget her saying that if I really wanted to learn to play the piano, then I’d make the time to practise. The idea that we can find the time and energy for anything if we’re sufficiently motivated, has stayed with me.

Gee, you grew up in the UK.  How did the move to France come about? Are you bilingual? If so, how did you learn the language? How easy was it?
I grew up in the Cotswolds in the UK. My husband, Chris, had lived in many countries and the thought of living in France had always appealed to him. When pondering the idea of a bolt-hole here in France, a good friend asked us what was stopping us from moving to France entirely. Aren’t friends like that great? Friends who encourage you think about something in a different way are very special. Anyway, it turned out there was nothing stopping us. So here we are living in France!

Bilingual? No. However, Chris and I often find ourselves the only English speaking people in our own home when sharing a meal with friends.  Learning the language was a mix of brushing up our school book French and diving in; making lots of mistakes, some more embarrassing than others, and asking people to correct us. Going shopping, visits to the vet or doctor, getting the car fixed, arranging for a phone line to be installed and registering a business; these are all things that happen without poring over a dictionary before hand. The gestures and shoulder shrugging continue to entertain us. It’s great fun!

What do you miss most (if anything) about being in the UK?
The British sense of humour. Curry take-aways. Cosy pubs (in winter).

What has been the best thing to happen in your life so far?
Realising that my happiness is up to me; that’s the best thing that’s happened to me so far. Actually, it’s sometimes the worst thing that’s happened to me, too! There’s that adage that goes something like this: “If you don’t like your life, change it.  If you can’t change it, then change your attitude”. That sums it up perfectly. It’s not always easy, but where’s the adventure in life if everything’s easy?

How do you relax?
Relaxing, specifically, isn’t something I’m very good at! I find spending time designing creations in my special book (given to me by a friend) very relaxing, experimenting with ideas, sketching out possibilities. Poring over my gemstone collection, admiring them and being inspired by them for creations is lovely, too. They never cease to fascinate me. These activities generally take place in my design room with some aromatherapy oil simmering away, or maybe an incense stick. My design room is a bit of a den with my books, cushions, various surfaces, maps and pictures stuck to the wall, some speakers and invariably a dog or two.

A really relaxing time for me is being tucked up in my sleeping bag when we go camping. The gentle movement of the tent, the sound of the breeze, toasty toes, happy dogs. My husband, Chris, and I love this sort of freedom.

Did you plan your career/life or have events just happened?
I think of my life and career as having evolved driven by the desire to live a life of integrity and fulfilment.  That might sound a bit overly moral but, really, I like being the real me and am happy to be following my dream.  I’ve looked out for, and taken opportunities that have resulted in me being who and where I am right now.  That journey, thankfully, is also ongoing.

Avivah Wittenberg Cox says women in France have got it right re feminism and femininity. Do you think there are significant differences between being a business woman in France rather than the UK?
My exposure to the entirety of being a business woman in France is limited. I run my own business and spend much of my time in my workshop.  Having said that, I must agree with Avivah’s comment that “… French women are confident of their femininity. They wear make-up, heels, feminine clothes and have never thought they have to dress like men.”.  Wherever I look, in whatever role and in whatever city, this rings true. Must get me some heels.

What dreams do you still hold?  What are you working towards?
I love being out on my mountain bike. I read about an incredible bike trail in New Zealand that I’d love to do someday. It incorporated a stop-over hut used by a gold miner. Lakes, mountains, camping, outdoors. You know what, maybe we’ll even live there one day. Shorter term, I’d love for us to get a campervan. We’re very good at spontaneously whizzing off with a tent somewhere and know a campervan would be fantastic!

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
Be yourself.

What advice would you give to anyone reading this and thinking of changing their lives?
Be yourself.  Life’s a Journey, Choose Your Direction.

You can see more of Gee’s beautiful compass jewellery on her web site rockwaterstudio