As our intimate relationships develop our ideas and perceptions on our partners tend to become fixed. This means that we have more difficulty interpreting their thoughts accurately because our bias comes into play. We think we know what they are thinking, or going to think, before they themselves have even thought it……

So if you want to try and work out what your partner is thinking, forget you know them! Listen to what they say and do as if they were strangers and you’ll probably get more accurate information

There are some people who have a natural skill which pyschologists call ‘empathetic inference’. They aren’t actually mind readers but they do have a particular knack of fairly accurately understanding what others are thinking. It’s a great skill to have and will enhance all your relationships- work, career, and personal.

You don’t have to be born with it; if you understand the techniques and skills involved you can practise and improve

Here is the first tip in a mini-series to help you hone your own abilities in ‘empathetic inference’:

Your Framework

Make sure you understand the ‘frame’ from which you are operating, i.e context and your experience of life and upbringing.

Our personal framework, context and experience affects how we interpret what we are seeing and hearing and is a significant factor in understanding others.

For example, depending on our own personal experiences, we may be offended by a slightly off beat jocular comment, not realising the other person is simply joking. Our response may then be disproportionate and difficulties will ensue.

If you find yourself simply not sure, try and introduce some phrases into your conversation such as ‘Can I just check I’m understanding correctly…’, or ‘Oh, that sounds like you mean….have I got that right?’

After a few such clarifying questions you can begin to understand the other person’s frame of reference and ‘read’ them more easily!

I hope you’ve found this useful. Please do share any of your tips for ‘mind reading’ others!