The Answer to Your Problems in 10 Letters!

Seeking answers to the meaning of life? Got a problem to solve?  I have the answer for you -

It’s Crosswords!

Probably….

Problem Solving

Regular blog readers will know that I love crosswords. My favourite is the Sunday one which is particularly cryptic and takes me most of the week to complete (I say ‘complete’; usually there is one clue that drives me bonkers and I never solve!)

Over time I have got to know the style of the setters and try and tune into it on starting. So some I know will be tilting towards anagrams and others have a bias toward general knowledge for example. So when looking for clues that’s where I start; I’m either looking for anagrams or dredging up my general knowledge.

Stuck with a Problem?

And when I get stuck I put the puzzle down and pick it up the next day when the answer will often be staring me in the face! How could I possibly have missed it the day before?

The truth is of course, that I have been looking at the same problem for too long and got stuck in my self imposed terms of reference. As in:

“This is probably an anagram as the same amount of letters are in the clue as in the grid and this setter loves anagrams.”

When I take a fresh look and (crucially) forget about the anagram thing I seem to leave space in my mind for the answer to appear!

Like life, eh? Sometimes we have a problem that we’re just stuck with no matter how much time we have devoted to solving it. Sometimes we need a fresh pair of eyes to look, either our own or someone else’s. And sometimes we have to let go of our sacred cows, our own internally imposed restrictions and parameters.

Problem Solving Exercise

If you’re problem is a person try to imagine them as someone else. Let go of your preconceived ideas of what you think they are like and try to really LISTEN to them afresh. Imagine you know almost nothing about them. Your ideas of where they are coming from probably means you’re not really hearing them but instead are:

a) thinking of your next riposte

or

b) only hearing the bits that fit your preconceived idea of what and who they are.

Neither is particularly helpful in arriving at a good outcome.

And if your problem is not people focussed, try leaving it for a while and coming back to it. Go for a walk, try doodling, listen to music. Put your focus elsewhere and give your brain a boost and then come back to it and get creative!

If you enjoyed this, take a look at this article from the archives on problem solving. If you’re facing a problem there’s lots of advice on the blog – hope it’s helpful to you!

And if you’ve been thinking about working one to one I have some spaces available very soon! Give me a call on 01761 438749 or use the contact page. I promise you I don’t talk in anagrams!

Photo Credit: Katia Grimmer-Laversanne

Stop Talking to Your Partner!

Well, not entirely… maybe that should read stop talking AT your partner!

Sometimes with coaching the client starts in one place and together we end up somewhere completely different. Thus, a session that begins with an overview of a work related problem can end up being much more about personal issues.

Communication Breakdown

And so it was with Coral*. Coral came to coaching for help with issues communicating at work; as we worked together we discovered that many of her fears stemmed from a break down in communication with her partner. This had resulted in a loss of confidence in other areas of her life which was affecting how she related to her colleagues.

Root Cause

With her permission, we headed back to the main cause of her loss of confidence. Communication between her and her partner had degenerated into a series of instructions for household management, along with a plethora of repetitive, inconsequential, circular arguments.

A minor issue would develop into something larger with neither listening to the other. Instead, each would launch into their own well rehearsed argument. During our sessions, Coral realised that she didn’t actually listen to her partner as she was sure she knew what he was going to say. So, instead of giving her partner any attention she was busy using his talking time composing her next riposte. She heard him talking but she wasn’t connecting to what he was saying. Their was no communication, more a series of ‘positions’ offered with each interrupting and cutting across the other. And she was equally convinced that he ‘never’ listened to her.

The Plan

Together we worked on a strategy for breaking this cycle. She couldn’t change her partner’s behaviour (at least not directly) but she could change her own.

First, she had to overcome her feelings of resentment (childlike ego state) and move to a more adult perspective of her partnership. Coral began to realise that attributing her feelings to her partner was counter productive; he didn’t MAKE her feel anything. She felt the way she did because of all the myriad things that had made her the unique person she was. Her feelings were her own responsibility and she could exercise some control over how she felt. This freed her up to make the first move as she moved from a combative mindset to one focussed on improving her relationship.

And her first task was to listen, really listen to what he was saying. To listen without judging, without feelings of resentment, without feeling a need to justify. It’s easier said than done (or actually not said!) but with the support of coaching she persevered. Instead of coming back at him with her own snappy retorts, she paid him attention. She was respectful and acknowledged his views, without necessarily agreeing with him.

Cease Fire

As her partner realised he was being listened to, his behaviour began to change too. Gradually they began to talk as adults, each taking responsibility, about the future of their relationship.

Happy Ever After…?

Of course, it wasn’t just happy ever after immediately, this is a true story, not a fairy tale! But it did break the cycle and it did give Coral a feeling of being in control of her life. And that percolated through to her working life. Taking some control of issues at home allowed her to see work issues with a fresh eye and she applied some of the listening techniques to her professional life, with good results. And feeling better about work helped her at home…a virtuous circle.

Coaching

If you have an issue you think our working together could help, give me a call on 01761 438749 or email me if you prefer.

*Of course, Coral is not her real name, and several details have been changed to maintain client confidentiality