Are You Making the Most of Life?

I was listening to a young teenage girl talking about ‘growing up’ the other day. She had such amazing life plans and ambitious goals and I really hope she fulfils them.So often though events tend to knock us off course and we need to take a bit of time to revisit our early ambition and put ourselves back on track.

Can you remember what your dreams and plans were before you left school? At one point in my early teenage years (and I hardly know how to confess this to you) I thought the pinnacle of being a successful woman was to support a good man! I can remember thinking “I must learn how to make proper coffee so I can be a good hostess”. Good grief!

Well, one ambition achieved, I can make bloomin’ good coffee! And I do support a good man, but crucially he also supports me in my life choices.

Later on, with maturity, my ambitions changed, and although I didn’t ever contemplate running my own business at a young age, I knew I wanted to have a degree of  independence, and I knew I wanted to be in a role that was useful. Actually, I wanted to change the entire world but that’s another story…

Look Back

What were your ambitions for your life? Did you set yourself goals in your early life? Did you have a clear picture of how you wanted your life to look? I was asked by a journalist recently what was the point of setting goals in life? Now, there is a whole raft of material there and goals can be small, big and in between, but basically my answer was - if you have an idea of where you want to be, it helps with all your decision making and helps you make the right choices for you.

Sometimes the right choice for you will be not to have a clear direction, but to take more risks and live more in the moment. The point is that it helps if we regularly review where we are and check out if we’re heading where we want to be, or if we’re drifting too far from our ultimate destination. Only you can know.

If you’re feeling vaguely dissatisfied with life don’t push the thoughts aside; take some time to consider why. Life is not about being happy all the time, but neither should it be about unhappiness. Take some control. Ask yourself:

• Is my unease/unhappiness caused by my personal relationship?
• Is it colleagues at work?
• Is it my role that is too demanding/undemanding?
• Am I bored too much of the time, in need of more stimulation?
• Do I see a clear picture of where I’ll be in a year? Three years? Five years?
• What can I do right now to take back some control of my life?

Despite what it may feel like from time to time, there are always things you can do. Take a look at some of the material on this site for a start, and also look at the inspirational women section on the site. There are some really good stories there from women who have truly grabbed back control. Or if work is not floating your boat at the moment, take a look at my book. You can simply talk to friends, ask their opinions and advice; remember you don’t have to take it but they may something that gives you a good insight, or sparks a train of thought for you.

Life is not always perfect, and a lot of things will happen that are not in our control. But a strong woman knows that how you react to life’s events is always in your gift. Don’t let yourself drift, grab a paddle and start steering your own direction!

Photo Credit: Vince Petaccio

Need a Break? Check out these questions.

How many of the following questions do you answer YES to?

• Do you feel you don’t have enough time for yourself, doing what you want to do?
• Do you often find yourself getting to the end of the week and wondering where all the time went?
• Do you frequently work through your lunch break, or grab a sandwich while skimming emails?
• Do you rarely leave the office on time at the end of the day?
• Do you take work home with you on a regular basis?
• Is your mind always buzzing? Do you find it difficult to switch off?
• Do you panic if you leave your phone at home/work and are without it for even short periods of time?
• Do you think you could be doing something different if only you had more time to think about it?
• Do you think life is passing by too quickly?
• Do you sometimes feel really lacking in confidence? Does it hold you back from doing new things?
• Do you have a feeling that there is something better out there but don’t know what the ‘something’ is?

If you answered yes to more than 5 of those questions it’s probably time time for you to stop and take stock. At worst you are heading for burn out and at best you may be pedalling furiously but not going in the best direction for you.

I didn’t actually make up those questions; they are all a variation of the reasons given to me by women for coming on my RenewYou day. I’ve been there too. For a period of my life I was so busy being busy that I didn’t have time to listen to the intermittent nagging voice in my head saying ‘Is this it?’

Sometimes we’re just so taken up with the grind of the day job, giving our all at work and home that we don’t take time to stand still and really think about what it is we’re doing. We are buffetted by events and react, rather than taking control. Once I took some serious time out to consider what it was I really wanted it helped me set about taking back control; in fact, over the course of a year I totally changed my life.

Scared?

I know sometimes it can feel totally overwhelming, and to be honest, quite scary. I was scared. But I was excited and enthused too! And, as soon as I had begun following my plan, directing my life, my energy levels went up, my health improved, and I had more time to do the things that were important to me. I just needed to give myself some time and space to work out what I really wanted.

It’s why, when I designed RenewYou, I made sure that there was plenty of thinking and reflecting time built into the day, and why I always choose a venue with some nice outdoor space. It’s great to spend some time walking and thinking. Deep inside we usually know our answers, and the thought provoking exercises, support and encouragement of a day spent renewing yourself helps you find them.

So, if you ticked more than 5, I urge you to take a bit of time to yourself and think about how you are spending your precious life. I still do it every year – make time for my own personal development and run a mini audit on myself. Whether you choose a course, a book, a coach, or simply find time to reflect yourself, make sure you do it! And do it soon!

Photo Credit: Watford

Direct Your Energy Where You Want Results!

Direct Your Energy Where You Want to See Results!

It doesn’t matter how many self help books you read (even mine!), how much you practise circular breathing, how much you think positively, how often you chant, focus on words on the ceiling (good grief), there is no substitute for actually doing something to get where you want to be. That means real, down to earth, honest to goodness hard work, not simply thinking about what you want to happen if only everything would come together in your favour!

Phew, that was good to say! There really is no substitute for actually getting on with it. I was asked by a journalist recently if I thought the current self help culture meant people thought they ‘deserved’ to succeed, that that there was a solution for everything and everyone should be happy all the time. Good question.

I do come across this attitude from time to time, and there is masses of information out there giving you all sorts of advice about how you can be wonderful, have a great life etc. My site is full of it too. I have a passion for helping women live their lives to the max and getting out of it what they want. You will find masses of information here to help you get going, to inspire and push you on.

But anyone who has ever worked with me knows that one of my continual questions is:

‘What are you actually going to do and when are you going to do it?‘

Add Ons

All the other things I have mentioned help, of course they do, but they are additional to actually doing something. If you want to write a novel you can make yourself an inspiring room to write in. You can read books by other writers. You can sign up to writing courses. You can buy a beautiful notebook, lovely pens. All these things may motivate you to get going, build your confidence, and increase your pleasure in the task. BUT at some point the preparation has to stop and the real writing has to begin or the book will always remain an idea.

Likewise, if you want to change your job, you could buy my book, do all the exercises, listen to the visualisation. You will have prepared yourself well and got a good idea of the steps you need to take to make those changes. Hopefully I will even have inspired you to be brave and bold. BUT you still have to go out there, buy newspapers, look for jobs, and apply for them. You still have to take the risks yourself, decide when the time is right to start your own business, go into partnership with a friend, or ask the bank for a business loan.

Focus

All of the preparation is good; I wouldn’t recommend that you jump will nilly into something (well, maybe sometimes a bit of risk taking can be energising, when we just follow our instincts! It can work.)

The problem comes when all our energies go into preparing, (or complaining) and not into doing. If you have a long held dream beginning  ‘one day I will…’ do you know when that ‘one day’ is? Certainly do all the preparing, and if you are in a job you loathe preparing now for a new one when times are better may help you through the interim period. But do give yourself a date when you will move from preparing into doing. Review it regularly. After all, you don’t want to be looking behind you muttering wistfully, ‘If only…’.

Women, Start Your Own Business? Why not!

There has been something of  a theme emerging lately with many of my coaching clients, and discussions with course participants over the last few months. Many of them want to change the way they work, to be more in control of how and when they are working, and many of them are looking for alternative sources of income as they fear redundancy is a possibility.They want to run their own business.

A little questioning reveals that a lack of confidence is hampering their efforts to explore this option and take the first step.

Fear of Failure

They are not unusual. Studies have shown that  a third of the female population would start a business if it wasn’t for fear of failure. And that 21% of women start their own business so they can control the hours they work, compared with just 2% of  men.

Predictions about job losses during the economic downturn are suggesting that women will suffer disproportionately more than their male counterparts. So it shouldn’t be surprising to see an increase in small start ups coming from women.

Are You a Potential Businesswoman?

Running your own business is not for everyone. However, even if you are making a few extra pounds from selling cup cakes for weddings you are running your own business! Here are a few questions to consider which will help you think about your personality and whether running your own business could suit you:

• What is your attitude towards risk?
• Can you work alone?
• Do you have an idea that really fills you with excitement? If you’re not enthusiastic who else will be?
• How much money do you need to earn during your start up phase? Have you at least 3 months worth of income salted away?
• How good are you at asking for advice?
• How good are you at taking advice?
• How do you cope with uncertainty?
• How much in control do you need to be?
• How much time can you put into a new venture? Starting a new business successfully invariably means putting in lost of extra time, even if you are only officially working on a part time basis. It’ll be in your head all the time, especially in the early stages.
• How much support do you need? I don’t necessarily mean professionally (although of course that is important) but how much support do YOU need from friends, family etc. Can you continue to be enthusiastic in the teeth of scepticism from others? Others around you may not understand your desire for change and may, albeit subconsciously, try to deter you and point out the pitfalls. Are you strong enough?
• Who will be your main supporter?
• How do you deal with setbacks? In your experience to date, when things have gone wrong, how have you reacted?
• What’s your attitude towards making mistakes?
• Are you a doer or a reflector?
• If you think about NOT doing this, how do you feel?

If you’re not sure of your answers to these questions, (and even if you are), try asking those who know you well what they think. I’m not suggesting that you ask them about business advice, I’ve always taken that from professionals. Instead, ask them to tell you how they think you answered the questions, and then ask them to tell you what they really think. And just listen. Don’t let negative responses put you off, but do take it into account when making your decision!

How to Cure a Mid Life Crisis!

Like most mothers, when my children finally left home I had a moment. Well, if I’m honest, quite a few moments really. When my daughter left home to move 460 miles away I felt like a bereavement was imminent. I remember our postman of 20 plus years coming to the door with a parcel and asking what was wrong ( I had a wee torn face on) and telling him that our oldest child was moving out that day.

“Oh no“, he said,” I remember her first day at school, I’ll miss her“.

That was it, the dam burst. Cue floods of tears all over poor postie who swiftly backed away down the path, making soothing noises! I wasn’t much better when we left our son at Leeds University. I was fine just until the moment of parting when I announced that now I was going to cry, and promptly did. Job done, what now?

Change Happens

But it doesn’t have to be children leaving that prompts an attack of middle aged angst. Changes at work, relationships altering, the ageing process, can all make us stop and think, well, is this it?

Change happens all the time but there are times when it affects us more than others, when we need to take stock and do a mini audit. There is a myth abroad that the older we get the more difficult we find change. In my experience this is not true. Anyone over 40 today has experienced and survived enormous changes in their lifetime (see this article for more on change).

But if you let yourself be a victim of events you’ll have no control at all; your life will ‘happen’ without you conducting it. A significant life change is a good time to sit down and take stock.

Stock Taking

Try answering these life stock taking questions:

Look at your life in these areas – family, work & career, social life, health and sense of well being. As you mentally filtered those areas through your mind which bit caused you a stirring. At which point did you think I’m not staying with that thought?  My guess is that’s the one you need to pay attention to, however uncomfortable it feels.

If, for example, you are unhappy in your relationship, you may have become adept at hiding it, even from yourself. Fear of what you might discover if you really looked at it may be holding you back and keeping you trapped in an unhappy place. That fear is making an assumption that what will follow will be worse that is, but that’s down to you. Working on your relationship may improve it and all of your life!

Work

Or maybe you are stuck in a job that pays all the bills but sucks the life out of you? How long are you going to stay with the daily dehydration? What impact is that having on your life and well being? Can you see yourself NOT doing this job? How different would your life be? Sometimes redundancy has been the best thing to happen to folk as it has forced them to think again about the work they do. How many of the bills that the job pays are important in the long term?

Small Steps

Conducting an exercise such as this may fill you with awe at the amount you want to change in your life. (Or you may just have realised that all is much better than you thought – well done).

If the former, break down what you want to do in smaller goals, the achievement of which will take you closer to where you want to be! Don’t give up on your dreams, never do that, but dreams are realised with a first small step. What small step can you take today?

You’re Worth It!

Are you really good at setting yourself goals and targets but then seem to find yourself falling short?

There are probably many reasons but one of them may be that you are focussing too much on very practical goals, for example:

‘I will lose 14 pounds by December‘.

Instead try thinking more about what you want to feel like in December. Why is losing 14 pounds important to you? Do you want to feel more attractive? Do you want to feel more healthy? Do you want to feel more confident?

Once you’ve worked out what the ‘feeling’ goal is implicit in your practical goal, try focussing on that and see what happens!

What tips/advice/techniques have you find useful in making sure you reach your goals?