Will You Keep Your New Year Resolutions?
It’s a good game, isn’t it – making massive resolutions in January so you can have guilt pangs about not sticking with them all through February! We’re probably all triumphs of hope over experience when it comes to making New Year resolutions.
Richard Wiseman, a UK psychologist, undertook some research into new year resolutions; his team tracked over 3,000 people attempting to do a whole range of things, like losing weight, using the gym, quitting smoking or drinking less.
Men and Women ARE Different
Perhaps unsurprisingly to all of us who have not managed to keep our resolutions going past Valentine’s Day, they concluded that New Year’s Eve is not a great time for making resolutions, and that you have more chance of success if you plan ahead for the changes you want to make.
They also found some interesting gender differences in achieving success. For men, the secret of success lies in setting specific goals and focusing on the rewards you will get if you achieve them. For women, the best way to keep a resolution is to tell people about it. At the start of the project 52% of the participants were confident of success but Dr Wiseman found that only 12% actually kept to their new year resolutions…
Men
Men were 22% more likely to succeed when they set goals for themselves, such as losing a pound a week rather than losing weight in general. In addition, men tended to succeed when they focused on rewards, such as losing weight to become more attractive to the opposite sex. “Men may be more likely to adopt a macho attitude and have unrealistic expectations, and so simple goal setting helps them achieve more,” said Dr. Wiseman.
Women
Women were more successful at keeping their resolutions when they told family and friends about their plans. They also responded better to encouragement not to give up if they snuck back to old habits temporarily – such as treating a chocolate binge as simply one minor setback and not a total failure. Telling others increased women’s chance of keeping resolutions by 10%, although sometimes they were reluctant to do so, losing a valuable source of support. (See this article about the importance of women’s friendships)
Most Likely to Succeed
The researchers found that the resolutions most likely to succeed were:
Enjoy life more, (32% of people stayed with it)
Improve your fitness (29%)
Lose weight (28%)
Be more organised (27%)
Quit or cut down drinking (25%)
Quit or cut down smoking (24%)
What’s your most frequently made resolution?
You can read more about this in The Luck Factor by Dr Richard Wiseman available from your local library, book shop, or via Amazon
Age is No Bar – To Anything!
How does this sound to you – Age is no bar to anything.
If you’re thinking ” yes it is, I can’t be a ballet dancer now I’m past 45″, well, maybe you can’t be a professional dancer, but you can still dance or still enjoy dance! There are three women over 60 in the current series of Strictly Come Dancing and two of them are excellent! Women are confounding all the hackneyed stereotypes about older women.
I don’t think there’s ever been a better time to be an older woman in western society, (unless, allegedly, if you work for the BBC where femageism seems rife)
A Few Facts on Ageing
- A woman who is 65 today can expect to live, on average, to 85.
- A man who is 65 today can expect to live, on average, to 82
- With every decade our life expectancy increases by 2 years.
- By 2025 half the UK population will be over 50 and there will be fewer people under 18.
- Currently, there are more people in the UK over 60 than there are children.
We chronically advantaged women are in the ascendancy!
I have a photo of me, aged 6 months, sitting on my grandmother’s knee. I recently realised with a shock, that at the time that photo was taken my grandmother was exactly the same age as me. Yet what a huge difference in our experience of life, even down to how we look. She is wearing a traditional ‘old woman’s’ garb. I wear clothes borrowed from my daughter or given to me by her friends! (Don’t panic, I’m well covered up!)
Still Planning Ahead
At 55 I don’t feel like my life is nearly over; I feel it’s still opening up to me. I am having more fun professionally than I ever have in my life before and learning so many new things. And the more you learn new things, the better the brain adapts. Forget all that rubbish about brain fade, the evidence contradicts it. It really is all in your head!
When I’m coaching women, of whatever age, so often the limits and barriers they see are in their heads, not always in their reality. Thinking that you can’t do something generally means that you can’t. Instead try thinking that you can, which generally means that you can! You may just have to approach getting there by a slightly different route.
Here’s an exercise to try to boost your confidence:
Individually, imagine you are being interviewed by one of the Sunday supplements under a heading, ‘Lessons I have learned in my adult life’. Get as many things down as you can, silly or daft, serious, sad and funny.
For example, I have learned that even though you think your heart is broken it does mend. That if I mix drinking gin with red wine I’ll now get a hangover (although I didn’t at 18!) Or that it’s not worth getting annoyed about some work things because you’ll never change them. And job interviews are a lottery sometimes. And that I love getting older and wiser!
Once you have at least 12 things written down I’d like you now to think more specifically about the skills you have acquired during your working life. Think back to that first job when maybe you were a bit wet behind the ears. Think soft skills as well as things like qualifications. Have you become more patient, or more assertive? Again, get at least 12 down.
Look down your list. Congratulate yourself on the things you have achieved, and make a list of things you’d still like to achieve. And now plan how to achieve them! Setting goals is not just for the young.
The important thing is never to stop dreaming, never stop planning ahead. Don’t let a mere number hold you back. Stay alive and kicking in your head and grab all the opportunities which come your way!
Which older women most inspire you?
Inspirational Woman – Kim Bennett
Here’s a testament to the power of networking! I travelled to Marlow recently to give a talk to a business networking group. Kim wasn’t actually at the event but some friends of hers were. They thought I would find Kim’s story of interest, and they are right. More importantly I think you will find it interesting and inspirational too!
Jane: Kim, can you tell us a little about Serenity Retreat (great name) and how the idea for your business came about?
Kim: Well, I went and lived and worked on a kibbutz in Israel when I was 19 and I loved it. I promised myself that I would go back once I’d saved some money. I got sucked back into London life and believing that money and a successful career are the most important things on the planet.
I am wise to this now! Starting Serenity Retreat was less a decision and more a realisation that I have no option. I got sober 7 years ago and have made some pretty poor choices in the past. I didn’t want to get to 60 and look back over the previous 25 years and wish I’d done something differently. My choice is to either live a satisfactory life or to explore the opportunity of living an EXTRAordinary life – see? No choice!
I loved my current job but wanted to follow my passion. I’ve been on a number of singles holidays. I have never had the money to go on most of the self development type holidays available and I was getting majorly fed up with having to pay a single supplement with ‘normal’ holidays. I tried the budget singles holidays but didn’t feel as though I was meeting my kind of people – people on a spiritual or self development journey.
Importantly, when I first got sober I wanted to go somewhere that felt ‘safe’ and wasn’t going to be a binge drinking destination – I couldn’t really find any holidays that catered to me. I don’t want special treatment or an alcohol lockdown, just somewhere that I could meet some interesting people and not feel as though my NOT drinking was going to be an issue.
Regardless of our backgrounds, our jobs, our history – we all need some time out, some balance and some escape from the madness that our lives can become…
So I decided to do something about it. Serenity Retreat was born.
What has been the biggest challenge in setting up the business?
To accept that I won’t go from standing start to Olympian overnight. I am, by nature, very impatient. I want things to be a success immediately. It’s taken me two years to go from idea to fruition, and the first year is unlikely to see any profit. However, I’m learning lessons…
I’m in this for the long haul, so am planning to be open to change and opportunity but always to keep my eye on the main prize – providing great holidays for single people. I accept that I have to be patient and that I have to keep chipping away at the things that will make my business a success – providing a great service, using social media, being creative with marketing and accepting that there’s an awful lot of stuff I don’t know… yet!
What has been your biggest personal challenge?
I’m a recovering alcoholic and addict, so my greatest success has been to recognise my powerlessness and get help. I am grateful every single day for the life I now have, one day at a time.
I was so very close to killing myself at the end of my drinking (I tried 3 times) that I’m now very alive to the possibilities that exist for me. I feel obligated to follow my dreams because I have been given a second chance. It’s an obligation I embrace.
Who have been your key supporters? Do you have a mentor?
My mentor would be John Dicey, Director at Allen Carr’s Easyway to Stop Smoking. This is my other business. John has been a great mentor along the way and continues to be. I’m always really impressed with the way he balances business acumen with maintaining his integrity and showing incredible empathy and kindness to just about everyone.
My friends and family have listened to my plans and have been encouraging and supportive. Incredibly so. In fact a number of them are coming to Serenity Retreat this year – so they really have put their faith in me (and their hard earned cash….!).
The therapists who are coming along have also been great. They are completely involved and interested and helpful. They are as passionate about Serenity Retreat as I am – and that’s really important to me. I feel as though I am part of a great team – how can we be anything other than a success.
It’s a tough and competitive business. Has being a woman helped or hindered you in any way?
I don’t know whether being a woman has helped or hindered, to be honest. I hadn’t given it any thought until you asked the question. I suppose as I’m a woman and it’s mostly women who come on self development or singles holidays then I know my target market quite well….
I’m very good at going on holiday… So that’s a good start. I have had good and bad experiences, so I’m putting together the most favourable bits. I have a background in customer service having been in both the recruitment and hospitality industries. I currently run my own successful business so am happy with the logistical side of it all together.
Most importantly, I really like people.
How do you relax and unwind?
Books. I love reading. Modern classics, beach junk, crime, thrillers, classics. I love them all. The odd bit of Law and Order (TV programme) doesn’t go amiss either!
What do you think is the most important decision you made in your life?
To ask for help when I needed it and to accept it when it was offered.
Do you remember what your first paid job was? And how much did you earn?
I was a chalet cleaner for Butlins in Wales! £12 a day. My sister and I would get collected at 6am and deposited at 6pm. I never cleaned a bath that had a spider in though…
If you could give the 18 year old Kim one piece of advice, what would it be?
Wow. That’s a big question. I wouldn’t have listened anyway come to think of it. But something along the lines of accepting that you’re perfect as you are and to have faith that this is the case. As I said, I wouldn’t have believed a word of it!
What would you say to women who are looking to take the plunge and go into business?
Do it. Do great research. Be honest with yourself regarding both your strengths and weaknesses. Ask for help from family and friends with the weaker areas. Write a business plan. If someone asks you a question regarding your business that makes you squirm – don’t shy away from it. It’s the universe’s way of getting your attention!
Have passion. Go for the extraordinary life….
Kim, thank you so much for your honest and inspirational account!
If you’d like to learn more about Serenity Retreat, this link will take you there.
You Can’t Do It All
I have just been out in my garden and, as is so often the case, it prompted a post. Hope you like it.
A few years back my garden was my pride and joy. When my children (and several other people’s kids!) had stopped using it as a playground, and the sand pit, swings, and slide became redundant, I began to reclaim it, bit by bit. For a while the lawn served double duty as a rugby pitch and my washing line prop is still a pole once used for vaulting, but once the offspring disappeared it became my own personal terrain. My pet project.
It was a labour of love (and source of huge expenditure) but the results were worth it. It was a joy to see the garden I had oft dreamed of emerge. It wasn’t Kew, and wouldn’t win any prizes, but it was mine and it gave me huge pleasure.
Letting Go
However, about two years ago we were finally granted planning permission to build a wee bungalow for my Mum on a plot of land opposite our house. This too had been a long held dream but the vagaries of Bath planning delayed it for year after year. We reapplied for a third time, having drawn up lots of different plans and permssion was granted. Suddenly (or so it seemed after the enforced delays) we were in the throes of building a house with builders, and the consequent disruption, despite having fabulous builders!
Temptation
We have lived in our family home for over 30 years and during that time I have had many a fantasy (not shared by my husband) about knocking down walls, replacing windows etc, but in the way of these things very few had become real. But now I had a team of lovely builders at my beck and call and the temptation was too much.
“How much would it be to knock down that wall? Really, that cheap if we let you do it when it’s raining and you can’t work on the house? Great, it’s a deal! Oh and we’ll now need a new floor, new…”
Many similar conversations followed and at one point I found myself ‘supervising’ the new build, a new kitchen installation in my mother’s old house, and major works in our own! And I had more training and coaching work than I could handle! Of course, my husband was a huge help but I had very clear ideas about how my Mum’s new house should be designed, and I’d been plotting the wall removal in ours for ever, so I was voluntarily at the helm. Ms ‘I can do it all’!
The Garden
And I still wanted my lovely garden. But the garden became a dumping ground for rubbish and ‘possibly useful one day’ items, like old sinks, bits of pipe, and tons of wood to be stored for our new wood burner (another addition to the Woods household!)
The trouble was I wasn’t always around to supervise where all this rubbish went and a lot of it ended up on in places it shouldn’t. My lovely garden was being destroyed. I’d come back from a day training and wail:
” But there’s a beautiful clematis on that trellis, don’t you remember? Oh no, all my white tulips are under a pile of wood! You can’t put a wood shed there it’ll block access to the pond”
In short, and in all honesty, I was a right old nag.
And one day it dawned on me.
To achieve the more pressing and immediate dream of building my Mum’s new house and gaining my lovely huge kitchen diner, I had to let the garden go. And so I did. I made a conscious decision not to worry any more about it. Not to go rushing about like a demented witch every time I came home and found something on top of something about to bloom, or right in front of the window so it looked like a world war two bomb site. And not to nag my poor husband ragged about it.
Relief
It was actually a huge relief. I hadn’t stopped loving my garden - I hadn’t given up on the dream, but I had relegated it for a wee while.
And that’s what we all need to do sometimes to survive, postpone things in order to achieve more immediate aims. It’s what sociolgists call ‘deferred gratification’.
Sometimes we have to let go of our sacred cows, our long held dreams to get where we need to be. If you feel like you can’t see the wood for the trees (in my case it was the literally the trees for the wood!), pause a while. What is the most important to be doing right now?
