Would You Like a Coffee?
Research published from the Harvard School of Public Health seems to be telling us women that coffee is good for us. Good for us in respect of warding off clinical depression.
It was a pretty comprehensive study and research from Harvard is not to be sniffed at.
The epidemiological study tracked 51,000 women who drank 4 cups of coffee a day over a 10 year period. They found that women who regularly drank coffee has 20% less cases of severe clinical depression than those who didn’t.
Men and Coffee
The research was actually only carried out on women but a much smaller project on men suggests it might well work with them too.
Friends Are Good for You
I’m with Lisa Appignanesi, Guardian journalist on this matter. She asks in a recent column, is it just the coffee or is it the circumstances in which the coffee is drunk? There is a lot of research and anecdotal evidence about the importance of women’s friendships and the connection with the release of the hormone oxytocin (see Women, Have You Got a Good Friend?) Women get a boost from being with other women friends. Maybe women who regularly drink coffee are doing so in the company of friends? I’ve long thought the friendship aspect explains why we women live longer!
Go Grab a Friend & a Coffee
Well, the research doesn’t say that it doesn’t work if you do drink with friends so I’d go for it! It’s medicinal, you owe it to yourself! Go grab a good friend and get that coffee pot out! Excuse me now, got to grind some beans…
Photo Credit: Pam Boyd
Try My Drains Diet and Lose What You Don’t Need!
What! I hear your shocked cry, Jane, the feminist, loud and proud on women’s issues and women’s career coach is now telling us to diet! Good grief!
Well, yes I am but this ‘diet’ is much better than never eating chocolate when there’s an R in the month or consuming so much fibre that you need a portable bathroom with you! This one will make you feel heaps better, not guilty and ashamed and reduced to midnight larder raiding and self loathing!
The Drain’s Diet!
Today we’re looking at getting rid of people. No, I haven’t gone all Mafioso on you; we’re not doing anything criminal but we are going to consider shedding the people in your life who add pounds to you. Pounds of gloom and doom, or guilt or angst or low self esteem or who sap your confidence, ounce by ounce (or gram by gram!).
Take a moment to think about your circle of acquaintances, friends, colleagues and family. Some of those will be true radiators (see Do You Radiate or Drain?). Those are your healthy friends; hang onto them, love and nurture them and give back what you can. They make you gorgeous!
But there’s another group of people that are much more dangerous to your health. Lack of confidence has been frequently cited as an issue for women at work and it’s not just your career that can get harmed. It can affect all areas of your life. And some people have a harmful effect on your confidence.
You probably already know what I’m talking about. It’s those people who, as they approach, cause your spirits to sink. A rictus smile appears on your face as you attempt to be pleasant. Before you’ve drawn breath they’ve launched into their standard spiel. It’s usually an extended moan about how awful ‘they’ are but with never a suggestion that anything can or will change; they are comfortable blaming others.
Or it may be much more subtle. It may be colleagues who are very good at eroding your confidence at work by commenting, in an apparently pleasant way, on your last presentation, yet as you walk away you feel uncomfortable. It may be something like “I was interested that you thought it useful to pick up on the stock figures today; I was thinking security was more pressing but good presentation”. Damning with faint praise!
Take Action
Sometimes these drains are members of our family, or even our boss. Now you can’t avoid those, and you probably can’t change their behaviour.
But you can change yours! And when you change your behaviour you may see a subtle change in their behaviour. You have enormous power to change how you feel about what they say, how they drain you. You can choose to slough off the extra psychological weight they try to add to you, often unwittingly.
The Drain Exercise
First you need to spend a few moments working out who the drains are. Write a list. Then think about what it is they actually do that has the negative effect on you. This may take a while but it is important to know what it is if you’re going to neutralise its effect on you.
Now you make a choice. You can take a very direct and assertive approach with your moaning folk, for example, and actually tell them that you don’t like moaning about other people as it’s unproductive a and makes you feel bad. Ask them for suggestions as to how to improve the problem (assuming there is an actual problem). Be careful not to put them down, just make reference to the moaning not to them as individuals. (Take a look at ‘How to Increase Your Assertiveness‘). Or you can choose to give them a limited amount of your time but let the comments waft over your head. Don’t get sucked into the negativity; it’s energy sapping and totally unproductive.
The confidence sappers are a different category. They are much more subtle but recognising what they are doing is halfway to dealing with it. If the disguised criticisms are made privately you can choose to smile and move on, mentally noting that you must be doing something right if they feel a need to put you down. You’re a threat somehow and generally speaking women with no talent are not seen as threats. Cripes, they’ve almost paid you a compliment!
But if they are doing this in public it’s likely a response is called for. if you stay quiet when your work is subtly criticised you leave people with that unfavourable impression. Think about this in advance and prepare your riposte (be careful though and don’t blurt out your prepared witty comeback when they haven’t actually been critical – it does happen!).
Your response can be quite simple as in, “Thanks for that, yes, I’ve done some research and the issues of stock control are really high on the agenda just now.” We women tend not to like confrontation but if we don’t respond we run the risk of being seen as weak. Don’t get drawn into a public argument but do make sure you assertively make your point, in an objective way. And actually agreeing with someone can show a high degree of confidence, if you do it appropriately. The higher your profile within an organisation the more likely you are to receive criticism so learn to deal with it gracefully and don’t let it be a weight around your neck…or thighs or midriff or anywhere!
Lose the drains and radiate!
Photo Credit: Tanya Price
Why Do You Work?
Here’s a quick question for you to ponder:
Why do you work?
The obvious answer is money but dig a bit deeper than that. What does work give you?
Your list may include:
- friendship
- training
- personal development
- status
- getting out of house
- connection with wider world
- opportunity to network
- opportunity to take a few risks
- opportunity to stay in comfort zone
- ability to contribute, to make a difference
- being part of a team
- keeping you up to date in your field
Of your own list, what is the most important to you?
Friendship and Moonwalking
Many of you will know that I took part this year in the Edinburgh moonwalk. Me and 10,000 others….
It was an amazing event, mainly women plus a few stalwart men. Everyone who took part was encouraged to wear a highly decorated bra, yes, men as well, with the theme of Mardi Gras. And most people were walking in memory or celebration of someone who had been touched by breast cancer; emotions were high.
Me and my mate, Sharon, opted for pink feathers, covering as much of the chesticle area as possible! My daughter Laura, and her cousin, wee Laura, were resplendent in matching painted bras, pink leg warmers, pink tutus, and pink fingerless gloves! They looked gorgeous and finished their 26 miles in record time.
Friends
And as I walked, I reflected upon the special nature of friendship and how extraordinarily rich I am in friends. I am a positive millionaire!
Just undertaking the walk itself came about as a result of the death of a very good friend from breast cancer – 30th October 2009: Ros Herbert. Ros was a nurse educator and every student nurse in Britain today will probably read something that she wrote; some legacy! This reflection on friendship is dedicated to her.
And then there is the aforementioned friend, Sharon, who did wonder, half way round the course, why she was my friend as I had somehow persuaded her that walking through the streets of Edinburgh in a bra at midnight would be a good idea! But she stuck with me and we got round together, taking turns to encourage each other. And we have had some fantastic training walks together (although with hindsight possibly not enough!) marvelling at the beauty of our glorious countryside.
Good friends support and encourage you in your challenges, even if they do secretly think you are bonkers!
I am not going to list all my wonderful friends or this will end up like an over emotional Oscar speech but there are many. Offering encouragement, support, a comforting hug or a friendly nudge, and of course, money in sponsorship. And one of the amazing things about doing the walk was the sponsorship that came from people I have never even met! The world of Twitter is quite amazing. I even had a donation from a lovely guy in the US (thank you Jamie)!
Your Wealth Audit
How well off are you? I don’t mean money: when it comes down to the wire, assuming you have enough to live on, money is not a guarantee of happiness. Research has shown that once a certain level of income is reached (and it’s not that high) happiness levels remain the same. Our happiness does not rise exponentially with our income. But it does rise with friendship. And happy friends make for more happy friends.
So, give yourself a quick audit. How many true friends do you have? What do they mean to you? What does friendship mean to you? Are you a good friend? And if you find yourself with less friends than you would like, what can you do to improve the situation?
“Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer”
What’s your definition of a good friend?
If you’d like to read more about the Moon Walk click this link
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Friends Are So Good for You!
When times are hard remember who your friends are. You know that an hour spent with a good friend can give you a real boost and there is plenty of scientific research to tell you why.
Happiness is Catching
Yes, it’s true, you can catch happiness from your friends. Isn’t that wonderful? Researchers at California University and Harvard measured the happiness of almost 5000 people over a period of 20 years. What they found was that when an individual was happy it spread through their network of friends, and then their friend’s friends! And what’s more the effect could last for up to one year!
Women’s Friendships
You will probably have heard of the flight/fight response, when our bodies respond to a stressful situation by releasing adrenalin, to help us either fight our way out or run like the clappers! Well, some women scientists have looked again at this original research which was carried out only on men. They have discovered that when under stress women release the hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin is the ‘love’ hormone. The hormone that helps women bond with their newborn babies, for example.
Turn to a Friend
When women are under stress they are actually helped by being with their friends. We like to talk things through. We’re not gossiping, we need to talk, we’re managing our stress!
