Three Coaching Questions for You.

We’re in a time of change. Even if you’re not directly affected, you are probably feeling some of the uncertainty that’s in the Zeitgeist. Feelings can be contagious, good or bad.

Three coaching questions for you:-

• How do you feel at this point in time? Are any feelings of concern or anxiety based on the actual facts of your life, or what you think might happen?

• Is it within your power to do anything about the situation at the moment, at this point in time? If so, start planning to do it. If not, why are you advance worrying?

• What is the worst thing that you think might happen? And the best…?

Naked? How Do You Feel About That?

One of my favourite quotes is this one from Eleanor Rooselevelt:

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent’.

Manage Your Feelings

In fact, no one can MAKE you feel anything, good or bad! We feel the way we do because of the unique people we are and we do have some choice over our feelings.

So back to naked…. This is a wee story I use to illustrate the point when working with groups.

A naked person of the gender you find most attractive runs into the room, right now. He/she runs around the room, shaking their booty at all of us assembled, and then they run out of the room (you have to imagine my graphic representation of this, but fully clothed!), slamming the door shut.

We all sit there in stunned silence, until someone laughs, then someone tuts, and quietly someone cries. We have all experienced the same event at the same time in the same place, yet for however many of us are sat in that room there will be an equal number of reactions and FEELINGS to the event.

Because of who we are and the experiences we have had in life to date, we all feel differently about what has happened.

Criticism

So next time you have to assert yourself with someone or give feed back to someone, remember the story. ‘They’ don’t make you feel anything. Something they DO causes YOU to have your own feelings about it. So own that fact. ‘When you do so and so, I FEEL….’ Not ‘YOU make me feel angry’.

If you’re specific about the actual behaviour you don’t rubbish the person as a whole; you then stand a good chance of getting the outcome you want and preserving the relationship. No one can argue with what you feel! And no one can MAKE you feel anything!

What Stops You Being Assertive?

I often work with groups of people who want to be more assertive. But I rarely deliver a straightforward assertiveness training course; my starting point is finding out why people think they can’t be assertive.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is not, as was so often taught in the 80s, an “I win, you lose” scenario. It’s about being able to say what you want to with honesty and directness, having self respect while still being respectful of the other person. You can agree to disagree without having to diminish the other person - that’s bullying.

These are some of the questions I ask:

• When do you feel most able to express yourself with honesty?
• What thoughts go through your head when you imagine saying what you want to someone? What are your feelings? Anger? Fear?
• Is there an old message going round in your head that holds you back, i.e ‘people in authority should not be challenged’ or ‘keep your head down, it only causes trouble’
• What do you think would happen if you did say what you wanted to?
• What might happen if you were able to speak honestly and respectfully? What would be different?

I generally find that most of us have areas of our lives where we find it more difficult to speak up honestly for ourselves. Similarly most of us have areas where we have no trouble at all. One person who is feisty and direct with her parents may find herself turning to jelly when the boss makes an unreasonable demand. Likewise, someone who is able to be clear about her wishes at work, is seen as confident and assured, may find herself jumping to her teenage children’s every whim because she can’t stand the fall out of an argument.

If you sometimes find yourself behaving less than assertively, try answering the questions above. When do you find it most difficult to behave assertively?

Stop Talking to Your Partner!

Well, not entirely… maybe that should read stop talking AT your partner!

Sometimes with coaching the client starts in one place and together we end up somewhere completely different. Thus, a session that begins with an overview of a work related problem can end up being much more about personal issues.

Communication Breakdown

And so it was with Coral*. Coral came to coaching for help with issues communicating at work; as we worked together we discovered that many of her fears stemmed from a break down in communication with her partner. This had resulted in a loss of confidence in other areas of her life which was affecting how she related to her colleagues.

Root Cause

With her permission, we headed back to the main cause of her loss of confidence. Communication between her and her partner had degenerated into a series of instructions for household management, along with a plethora of repetitive, inconsequential, circular arguments.

A minor issue would develop into something larger with neither listening to the other. Instead, each would launch into their own well rehearsed argument. During our sessions, Coral realised that she didn’t actually listen to her partner as she was sure she knew what he was going to say. So, instead of giving her partner any attention she was busy using his talking time composing her next riposte. She heard him talking but she wasn’t connecting to what he was saying. Their was no communication, more a series of ‘positions’ offered with each interrupting and cutting across the other. And she was equally convinced that he ‘never’ listened to her.

The Plan

Together we worked on a strategy for breaking this cycle. She couldn’t change her partner’s behaviour (at least not directly) but she could change her own.

First, she had to overcome her feelings of resentment (childlike ego state) and move to a more adult perspective of her partnership. Coral began to realise that attributing her feelings to her partner was counter productive; he didn’t MAKE her feel anything. She felt the way she did because of all the myriad things that had made her the unique person she was. Her feelings were her own responsibility and she could exercise some control over how she felt. This freed her up to make the first move as she moved from a combative mindset to one focussed on improving her relationship.

And her first task was to listen, really listen to what he was saying. To listen without judging, without feelings of resentment, without feeling a need to justify. It’s easier said than done (or actually not said!) but with the support of coaching she persevered. Instead of coming back at him with her own snappy retorts, she paid him attention. She was respectful and acknowledged his views, without necessarily agreeing with him.

Cease Fire

As her partner realised he was being listened to, his behaviour began to change too. Gradually they began to talk as adults, each taking responsibility, about the future of their relationship.

Happy Ever After…?

Of course, it wasn’t just happy ever after immediately, this is a true story, not a fairy tale! But it did break the cycle and it did give Coral a feeling of being in control of her life. And that percolated through to her working life. Taking some control of issues at home allowed her to see work issues with a fresh eye and she applied some of the listening techniques to her professional life, with good results. And feeling better about work helped her at home…a virtuous circle.

Coaching

If you have an issue you think our working together could help, give me a call on 01761 438749 or email me if you prefer.

*Of course, Coral is not her real name, and several details have been changed to maintain client confidentiality