The article was written by Simon Baron-Cohen, professor of Developmental Psychopathology at the University of Cambridge and Fellow at Trinity College, Cambridge. He is Director of the Autism Research Centre in Cambridge. With those credentials, as you might expect, it’s well worth a read. (There is a link to the article at the end of this post).

The article was accompanied by a quiz to check out your empathy levels, which is 40 questions long. I have picked just ten of those questions below, which if you answer “strongly agree” suggests a high level of empathy, (you can take the full quiz on The Observer site)

• I can easily tell if someone wants to enter a conversation
• I am quick to spot if someone in a group is feeling awkward and uncomfortable
• I find it easy to put myself in someone else’s shoes
• I don’t tend to find to find social situations confusing
• I can tune into how someone else feels rapidly and intuitively
• I can usually appreciate the other person’s viewpoint, even if I don’t agree with it
• I can tell if someone is masking their true emotion
• I can sense if I am intruding, even if the other person doesn’t tell me
• I really enjoy caring for other people
• I can pick up quickly if someone says one thing but means another

Before writing this post I had a brief email exchange with Dr Baron-Cohen re my own bias that sometimes women’s empathy does not serve them well in senior positions, and is not valued. He replied that he agreed and referred me to his book on that topic, The Essential Difference (Amazon link), published in 2004. I’m not sure how that one passed me by but I’m about to read it. Look out for a review soon!

Meanwhile, what do you think? Are high levels of empathy incompatible with very senior management posts? What about senior politicians?  Let me know your thoughts!

The Observer article is here.
Photo by Mrinkk

Workplace Incivility

What are the politeness levels like where you work? A certain level of cut and thrust is inevitable from time to time, but workplaces where rudeness has become the norm can be very stressful places to be. You’ll find yourself adopting similar ways of behaving almost by osmosis. An aura of low level hostility is ever present. It benefits no one. And you will take that low level hostility and rudeness home with you in the guise of headaches, aches and lethargy.

Take Action

The good news is by becoming aware of it you can change your own responses and that may well change how people then react to you. You can start a civility movement!

Tips for your Civility Movement:

• Try to depersonalise the impolite comment or behaviour. Someone allowing a door to slam in your face may well have done that to anyone following them, it wasn’t actually aimed at you. So don’t take on board that bit of hostility but smile to yourself and leave it at the swinging door, (making sure you hold it open for the next person!)
• Being kind and civil to others might mean slowing you pace a little. If you are usually rushing somewhere your attention is focussed on the future, where you are heading, not where you actually are. You may be missing all sorts of opportunities to smile and interact with others. You may be being uncivil even without realising it. Try to notice your surroundings, to be more present, and make sure your default expression is a smile, or at the very least not  a grimace. Try and get a glimpse of ourself in any mirrors as you go about your business. Relax the jaw.
• Being civil means having an awareness of how other people might be affected by your actions. Bring your empathy skills into play and being polite and civil to others will be easy.
• Watch your language. I don’t just mean uttering oaths (although that too) but be aware of how you communicate with others. Sometimes it’s appropriate to ask, not simply tell or instruct. Replacing ‘You should do so and so‘ with ‘What do you think about  doing it this way..?‘ is so much more inclusive and civil.
• Banish sarcasm, however hysterical you think it is. Being sarcastic is actually quite aggressive behaviour and raises the stress levels of those who just don’t get it. Be clear and polite in your general communication.
• Acknowledge other people’s efforts; not by saying thank you so often that it becomes meaningless but by really noticing what they have done and making an appropriate comment.

Good manners cost nothing but can give huge benefits, for everyone! You can’t directly change the behaviour of those around you only your own. But that can be a huge and quietly powerful force for positive change. And back to my original question, do I think rudeness is on the increase? Only on days when I am feeling grumpy! When I’m happy and smiley somehow everyone else seems to be too! Thus proving my point….

What do you do when faced with uncivil behaviour?

When we feel vulnerable, lacking in confidence we all have a tendency to magnify our reactions and the reactions of others. If we’re feeling we’re not good enough at work, or we’re not attractive, for example, a chance remark from someone that seems to confirms those fears will have a huge impact on us.

Heightened Sensitivities

But there are some people for whom feeling a sense of heightened sensitivity is not an occasional occurrence. It colours their whole lives, which can severely limit their opportunities to live life to the full.

The American Psychologist, Dr Elaine Aron, has identified a distinct personality type called the HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, (HSP). She has estimated that probably between 15 to 20% of the population fall into this category.

If you are an HSP you will process information and experiences more deeply; you’ll be more aware of the subtelties in life and in your surroundings. You might even find yourself getting overwhelmed if too much sensory information is around you.

Being HSP doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be introverted and it isn’t any more common in one gender than another. Dr Aron says it’s an all or nothing trait with a psychological basis- you either are or you’re not.

She has a test on her site which you can find here

If you score highly, all is not lost and this is a quality you can learn to value for the insight it brings. Just take a bit of time to reflect and use your gift of great empathy wisely and enjoy it.

And it struck me that the same is true of people. If you watch and observe in a non judgemental way you can learn so much more about the people with whom you work. And then you can tailor your responses appropriately.

So if a colleague is giving you grief, think cat! Observe what presses their buttons, for good or ill. Try and be objective, try to get inside their psyche and work out what motivates them, what irks them, what they are good at and what needs work! Notice when they are purring or when their tail is wagging, so to speak (for non cat lovers, cats wag their tails when annoyed!)

It might not make them as appealing as a kitten, but it might just help you communicate with them better!

How do you manage your less than helpful colleagues? Do share any tips and advice.

PS In response to requests, the book is called The Cat Whisperer by Claire Bessant

Substitute the word ‘difficult‘ for ‘different‘ and try and work out what makes them different. And then see if you can work with the difference, not the difficulty.

It’s the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

‘Grant that I may not criticise my neighbour until I have walked a mile in her moccasins’?

Try this for one day.

Next time someone is really driving you crazy at work or in your personal life, metaphorically swap shoes with them for one day.

Suspend your usual critical thoughts, voiced or not, and imagine the world from their viewpoint. Don’t put yourself under undue pressure to make changes; simply try and experience the world from their standpoint.

And see what the next day brings! You might find your empathy levels rising!

There are some people who have a natural skill which pyschologists call ‘empathetic inference’. They aren’t actually mind readers but they do have a particular knack of fairly accurately understanding what others are thinking. It’s a great skill to have and will enhance all your relationships- work, career, and personal.

You don’t have to be born with it; if you understand the techniques and skills involved you can practise and improve

Here is the first tip in a mini-series to help you hone your own abilities in ‘empathetic inference’:

Your Framework

Make sure you understand the ‘frame’ from which you are operating, i.e context and your experience of life and upbringing.

Our personal framework, context and experience affects how we interpret what we are seeing and hearing and is a significant factor in understanding others.

For example, depending on our own personal experiences, we may be offended by a slightly off beat jocular comment, not realising the other person is simply joking. Our response may then be disproportionate and difficulties will ensue.

If you find yourself simply not sure, try and introduce some phrases into your conversation such as ‘Can I just check I’m understanding correctly…’, or ‘Oh, that sounds like you mean….have I got that right?’

After a few such clarifying questions you can begin to understand the other person’s frame of reference and ‘read’ them more easily!

I hope you’ve found this useful. Please do share any of your tips for ‘mind reading’ others!