Three Words About You!
How’s your self esteem these days?
Try this quick personal development exercise:
Who are you? Describe yourself in a paragraph. Pick three words from that paragraph that stand out.
What do those three words say about your self esteem? Are they positive? Neutral? Or derogatory?
What would you like your three words to be?
What Do You Best?
In terms of work, what is it that you do best? What makes you feel good about yourself? When do you feel most confident and competent?
Research
It’s important to know. Research on what makes a great workplace* placed having a daily opportunity to do what you do best high in a list of positive factors. In fact, it was number three in 12.
Money is a motivator, of course, but for most of us money alone is not enough and it rarely comes out top in any survey of what motivates people. Work is usually so much more than simply a means to earning a living. We need to get something meaningful from it.
Self Worth
And one of those things is the feeling of self worth that comes from doing what we’re good at, at least once a day. If you are not currently getting that feeling of self worth from work, maybe it’s time to explore other avenues? Perhaps there are other ways of meeting that need, like voluntary work, a second job following your passion? First stop is to see if work can provide it, but if not, try looking beyond the boundaries of paid employment and see what is out there!
Do you have an opportunity to do what you do best every day?
*Gallup, Buckingham & Coffman. ‘First Break all the Rules: What the world’s great managers do differently’.
Market Research!
It’s funny how ideas come at the strangest moments, isn’t it? I met up with a good friend and colleague last week but for various reasons we hadn’t actually seen each other properly for some time. We settled ourselves for a good long discussion about work, life, the universe and anything else that cropped up.
We go back a long way. Debbie and I were child care social workers many moons ago and both of us are now self employed, albeit in differing roles. Debbie reminded me of something I had said to her when she had an important court appearance which was creating huge amounts of stress for her, as child care proceedings always do. I said to her-
” Just remember that every member of the bench was sitting on the loo this morning and they are actually only humans.”
A Course is Born!
I had forgotten saying it but she hadn’t. And so we got to talking about our early experiences of appearing in court, being cross examined, and how our confidence had grown to the point where we were able to totally focus on the matter on the hand, and not on whether we’d fall out of the witness box (yes, I once did that!)
And suddenly the idea for a course to inspire confidence in court was born! There are plenty of courses which explain procedure, the make up of the court, practising cross examination etc (and very good most of them are too) but we are planning something different. Debbie still works in the legal system as an expert witness (among other things) and I coach and train people to be more confident and assertive (among other things)! A perfect combination!
Market Research
And so I need your help please! If you know any professionals who need to be confident in court, possibly those who don’t attend on a regular basis, could you please forward them this post and ask them to get in touch via my contact page. I will then email them a few questions, only a few, I promise!
And if you have any thoughts or suggestions please feel free to comment on this post.
Feel The Fear and Do It Anway!
‘Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway’ by Susan Jeffers is an absolute classic in the self help genre. It was first published in 1987 and has been a best seller ever since.
Susan acknowledges the fears that we all have, fear of failure, fear of success, and so on. She takes you through what she describes as three levels of fear. Not with the idea of eliminating the risks of life, rather facing your fear full on and training your thoughts to work for you rather than against.
Here’s an extract from the book:
“Taking responsibility means not blaming yourself.
I know that sounds contradictory, but it is not. Anything that takes away your power or your pleasure makes you a victim. Don’t make yourself a victim of yourself!
For some, this more difficult than not blaming others. Once you’ve become aware that you have created so much of your unhappiness, you have a tendency to punish yourself and put yourself down. “There I am messing up my life again. I’m hopeless. When will I ever learn?”
This, again, is not taking responsibility for your experience of life. It is important to understand that you have always done the best you possibly could, given the person you were at any particular time. Now that you are learning a new way of thinking, you can begin to perceive things differently and possibly change many of your actions. There is absolutely no need to be upset with your past, present or future behavior. It is all simply part of the learning process-the process of moving yourself from pain to power.”
The book contains stories and lots of exercises you can try yourself. There is a particular exercise illustrating the power of our thoughts over our body which I use on my Renewyou course which never fails to amaze people, and is really powerful. It is a classic book and each time I pick it up I am reminded of something helpful, for me and for my coaching clients.
If you haven’t got a copy I recommend it to you. And if you have one tucked away somewhere, dig it out and read it again. It’s available from all major booksellers and libraries, or on line from Amazon
Recover Your Balance
Recover Your Balance is written by Ann Lewis, a leadership coach, and published by Bookshaker. It sells at £9.99 in the UK and $14.99 in the U.S.
It’s a great little book, easy to read in one sitting at just over 140 pages with a seven step plan to boost you back to full confidence! And it’s also great for dipping into any time you feel a bit overwhelmed. It’s a book to pick up when you’re feeling tired and worthless at work, when going to work is sapping and energy draining, when you’re feeling burnt out, or lacking in confidence about your abilities.
Bullying
Ann herself experienced bullying at work and she talks honestly and helpfully about the effect it had on her and her subsequent crisis of confidence.
Following an unsuccessful appeal, after which my Staff Council representative declared that he had never seen anyone quite so comprehensively stitched up, I spent the next few months trying to be absolutely perfect, an endeavour doomed to failure. My daily routine included vomiting every morning before I left home. Finally, after taking a couple of days leave, I returned to find that a part of my team’s work had been passed around…in an effort to demonstrate that I was failing. I resigned. For more than two years afterwards I simply didn’t believe that I was worthy of a well paid job with similar status to the one I had left. Page 4/5 of Recover Your Balance
This book is the result of her reflections and ruminations on that period, her extensive experience of coaching others in similar situations, and her recovery plan for minimising the effects and learning from the experience. It’s a blend of the practical and the more esoteric.
For example, Ann talks about energy states and the impact these have on our behaviour, and there is advice on using visualisations and creative imagery to relieve stress. In another chapter she gives some supremely practical advice about only keeping material relating to poor treatment at work as long as it is serving a purpose. If you are thinking about bringing a case of constructive dismissal for example, keep a record of everything. But if the incident is done and dusted, holding onto unpleasant and damaging material can be detrimental to your recovery! Sage advice.
True Stories
Scattered throughout the book are quotes from real people sharing their experiences of troubled times at work. These really help to bring the book to life. My only small criticism of the book is that I found some of the true life stories slightly repetitive, but then I read the book at one sitting. I’m sure if you were picking this book up occasionally you’d be glad of some of the repetition as a helpful reminder!
I think this a worthwhile book to have in your possession, or to encourage your firm to buy! It’s not preachy, but full of sensible advice, well referenced and not at all patronising – you can tell that Ann has been there and done it, and bounced back!
You can purchase Ann’s book at good bookshops, or order through Amazon, or visit the Recover Your Balance site
The No Quiz!
How many times do say yes when you want to say no?
How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?
- If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
- If I say no, they won’t like me.
- If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
- My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
- I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
- How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
- These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).
If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!
