Making ourselves invisible is a natural consequence of feeling a lack of confidence. Confidence shows through in your body language, (as does arrogance, impatience, and a myriad of other things!) Women feeling a lack of confidence do not want to draw attention to themselves and some get very good at it! (Take a look at Women’s Confidence, where is it? if this is of particular interest to you)

Star Quality

Just what is star quality? Try and think of someone you know who has star quality, a presence. Often we say it’s something intangible but you can break it down; it helps if you have an example in mind. Think about a woman you admire, preferably in your field and imagine her now, walking confidently into a meeting. What does she do? And as importantly, see in your mind’s eye, what doesn’t she do?

Making an Entrance

When I’m talking about assertiveness to groups I often run through the following little drama of entering the room. First the unassertive entrance.

I peer through the pane of glass in the door and then wait a second or two. I open it slightly and then, using the smallest space possible, I squeeze myself in through the gap. With a technique worth of the SAS or a Navy Seal I hug the outside wall until I eventually come to my place where, making myself as small as possible, I slide into my seat muttering a barely heard apology for a transgression no one knows I’ve committed! I’m early so only about 3 people have witnessed my entrance and I’m able to choose the most unobtrusive seat I can!

There is a fine line between the arrogant, nay even rude entrance and the assertive, confident one.

The Arrogant Entry goes something like this – my voice is heard first outside in the corridor, loudly telling anyone in earshot that Oh Gawd, I’m 20 minutes late for yet another meeting so gotta dash darling, must do lunch, mwah ,mwah!

By now everyone is alerted to my entry so eyes are on the door which I burst open noisily and enter the room, dragging my huge bag behind me and making for the farthermost seat, inconveniencing any number of people who have to move their chairs, where I sit noisily down in my chair, tell everyone how utterly up to my eyes in important work I am, faff about getting a coffee, ask the chair which agenda item we’re on! (I haven’t had to use my imagination for this little scenario at all – seen it many times as I bet so have you). Everyone knows I have arrived and equally everyone is annoyed with me; but they do notice me and I have totally eclipsed the wee mouse hiding somewhere in the room. She has fallen into my shadow immediately and is guaranteed not to speak at all now.

The Assertive Entry. The assertive woman is probably not late because she values her own time, and respects the time of others. She will probably arrive just a moment or two before the meeting starts giving her time to settle, arrange her notes, exchange a word or two, network etc. She will open the doors plenty wide enough to walk through, walk in, look around the room smiling at colleagues she knows, and stride confidently towards her seat. She may sit near the most influential person in the room (assuming she’s not it) as she knows that most eyes will be turned that way, allowing her to take the floor more easily than poor wee mouse who is tucked away at a corner, hidden by Gerald from accounts who takes up an enormous amount of space with his electronic note book AND lap top, spreadsheets and pile of handouts for everyone present. And he’s leaning forwards, arms on the table so mouse would have to stand to be seen and there’s no danger of that!

Assertive woman does not invade other’s space but she takes up enough to be comfortable.  She pushes her chair back a little, leans forward with her arms on the table and makes eye contact around the room. She will speak early on in the meeting, possibly standing to do so, and she will not allow herself to be inappropriately interrupted by the men because she is prepared for this eventuality, (she might even have read my post on Why Can’t Women Speak their Minds in the Boardroom? or Men and Women Talk Differently)

She has a presence borne out of confidence in herself.

Do you recognise anyone here? I confess in my time I’ve possibly done all three! But I like to think as I grew in experience and confidence that assertiveness woman was my default operating mode. How about you?

Are you interested in a course for professional women? Check out Speak Up, running late autumn.

Photo Credit: Marinela Prodan

We began in the usual manner, introductions, ice breaker etc and then came our first exercise. I’m going to share it with you now as it ended up being both riotously funny and poignantly informative. It certainly increased my communication skills and understanding and not only with children. And it helped us develop a strong feeling of trust in the group which sustained us through the more difficult parts of the course.

Anatomically Correct

We were presented with a huge basket of anatomically correct dolls, all ages, all ethnicities, all types of clothing but all, under their clothes, were anatomically correct. The purpose of the exercise was to help us behave with great sensitivity when working with child victims and not allow any lingering embarrassments of our own to transfer to the children. And to learn as many names and variations for sexual organs and other parts of the body as we could.

That is where the hilarity came in…

I was paired, to my initial horror, with a very eminent child psychiatrist. We each took one doll and then looked solemnly at each other. I suspect I cracked first and began to share all the terms I had ever heard for parts of the body. He joined in. As we relaxed we became more honest and collapsed into laughter at some of the ridiculous things we had heard or used ourselves as children. I still actually know adults who refer to ‘front bottom’ for the vagina which is truly sending some mixed messages about female sexuality!

Humour aside, it was a salutary exercise in the messages we often unwittingly give out to children and how we still carry those messages into adult life. They can still be enormously powerful. And embarrassing …  My poor children had no hiding place. I resolutely used the correct terms and can well remember my daughter startling everyone into stunned silence by casually referring to her vagina when she was 4 years old. My Mum nearly fainted! What’s in a name, eh?

Photo Credit: Lynne Lancaster

Here are my ten top assertiveness techniques. Practise them regularly and you will really see if a difference.

1. Distance and personal space
We all have our personal space limits so make sure people keep to yours. It’s important not to let someone you don’t know intimately invade your space (this is passive aggressive behaviour; it’s manipulative). When you start to feel uncomfortable that’s your cue. Set your boundaries clearly, either verbally or non-verbally. You might, for example, step backwards to give yourself more space.

2 Broken Record Technique
I am slightly ambivalent about including this as it can turn out to be aggressive behaviour itself. But done correctly, with people you don’t need to have an ongoing relationship with (cold callers for example) it can be very  useful. You state clearly and politely what you want (or don’t want) and when you meet with resistance you simply politely repeat it, again and again and… Warning -I don’t think this is helpful with a colleague as it doesn’t actually resolve anything and will irritate the pants off them! But in the right place it can b every effective indeed.

3. Disclosure
Sharing some information about yourself can be very effective when you want to honest and upfront about something you feel the listener may not fully be aware of, or understand. An example of this could be someone with hearing loss asking the other person to speak up because they are a hard of hearing. Or perhaps sharing how nervous you feel in a situation, and how you would welcome their support.

4.Fogging
Fogging is simply agreeing with what the other person is saying and not allowing it to get to you. Literally in through one ear and out the other. When someone criticizes you, you agree by saying something like “You’re right, my dress doesn’t really match my handbag,” or “I think you’re right, I have put on weight over Christmas; I ate too much.” When you use the fogging technique it’s best to see all criticism as feedback. You let it ride over you and don’t get involved with what’s being said. It can be a really good way to defuse a verbal attack and shows your critic just how adult and confident you are.

5. Maintain eye contact
Good eye contact  makes your listener feel that you respect them and it makes you look more confident to the other person. If you spend the conversation nervously glancing around you will look shifty, or gauche, or look as if you don’t care or respect what the other person is saying. Although be careful, too much eye contact and it may look as if you are staring them out and cause more trouble than you bargained for!

6. Watch your posture and body language
If you slouch down you are making yourself physically smaller and this can appear less confident; you may also appear lazy or shy. Nether do you want to be ram rod straight and military (unless you are military, of course!) Try to hold yourself comfortably ‘tall’ and walk slowly when entering a room and you will look more assertive, however you are feeling inside!

7. And when seated..
When you sit make sure you are sitting upright. Don’t cross you legs or fold your arms – it’ll make you look nervous or aggressive. Sitting up makes you look more alert, interested in the listener and interesting to the listener. And remember, people LOVE being listened to. Listening well is the first rule in being more assertive so make sure you show that you are listening as well as doing it.

8. And while we’re on listening…
Make sure you are an active listener by practising active listening skills. Repeating briefly what the other person has said when appropriate is a good assertiveness skill to learn. Make sure you keep it short and don’t interrupt the speaker when they’re in full flow. You can use phrases like “Can I just check that I have this right, your view is…” or “So you’re saying… is this correct?”

9. Tone of voice
Often when we get nervous our voice goes up a few octaves and a bit of a high pitched squeak comes out. This is not good to listen to and will weaken your points. You may speak faster too with everything coming out in a nervous full on rush. If you have a tendency to speak quickly in stressful situations try silently counting to two each time before you speak. And deep breathing helps, (but don’t hyperventilate). A few deep breaths before you speak will also help calm you down. If your voice tends to get higher pitched then imagining the sound coming out of your chest will help to keep it at a deeper tone making you sound more confident.

10. Value your time
Value your time but also value others. If you are always late for meetings etc you are not being respectful of other people so can hardly expect to be treated with respect yourself. Also consider this, being consistently late for meetings or appointments can indicate a lack of self-worth. If you are always late spend some time thinking about why. And don’t over compensate by giving lots of time to other people when it isn’t necessary.  You need to value yourself first.

I hope that quick run down has been helpful. Of course, there is masses more on the topic but these are just a few tips to act as an aide mémoire.  Assertive women usually have high confidence levels and levels of inner self belief. And learning how to be more assertive can increase your confidence levels too!

What are your favourite tips?

And if you’d like some personal coaching on your assertiveness skills, contact me here. You can be amazing!

And it struck me that the same is true of people. If you watch and observe in a non judgemental way you can learn so much more about the people with whom you work. And then you can tailor your responses appropriately.

So if a colleague is giving you grief, think cat! Observe what presses their buttons, for good or ill. Try and be objective, try to get inside their psyche and work out what motivates them, what irks them, what they are good at and what needs work! Notice when they are purring or when their tail is wagging, so to speak (for non cat lovers, cats wag their tails when annoyed!)

It might not make them as appealing as a kitten, but it might just help you communicate with them better!

How do you manage your less than helpful colleagues? Do share any tips and advice.

PS In response to requests, the book is called The Cat Whisperer by Claire Bessant

Blue, Red, & Green Thinking

I am grateful for this idea to Nigel May Barlow, author of Re-Think-How to Think Differently.

He talks about three stages of creative thinking:

Blue - Blue is for IDEAS- with the sky being the limit! Blue type questions are Well, why not? and What if we…?

Red - Red is for STOP, like traffic lights. It’s the selection, evaluation, fine tuning and prioritising stage, choosing your best ideas.

Green – Green is for GO, deciding who is going to do what, by when, planning in the milestones.

In any group of people you are likely to find a scattering of all these types. Some will be more comfortable with a particular colour than others. if you get too many in one category you may miss out some of the valuable stages.

For example, a room of Blues may generate some fabulous ideas but never actually get around to putting them into action! Whereas Reds will never allow enough discussion of ideas as they push to get something agreed. And the Greens will be busy planning who is doing what before Blues have finished being creative!

What colour are you? How does it show itself in you?

I’m not sure I’d be as bold as him! My strategy when someone barges into the front of the queue or line, is to give them the benefit of the doubt, politely tap them on the shoulder and ask, (loudly enough for all to hear): “Excuse me, but did you realise there was a queue here?”

I don’t use a sarcastic tone; I ask it as a genuine enquiry and usually they mumble ‘no, sorry’ and go to the end of the line. And if they ignore me I know there’s no point in worrying about it any further!

What do you do?

Substitute the word ‘difficult‘ for ‘different‘ and try and work out what makes them different. And then see if you can work with the difference, not the difficulty.

It’s the emotionally intelligent thing to do!

How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?

• If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
• If I say no, they won’t like me.
• If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
• My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
• I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
• How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
• These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).

If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!

People LOVE being listened to. It’s very respectful and it feels great when people really listen to you, doesn’t it? It’s hard though, I know! I’m a great talker myself….

So here are a three tips to improve your listening skills (which I remind myself to use from time to time):

1. Give them time: don’t rush in to help them finish a sentence, or jump in with your response. Stay quiet and give them some space to work out what they want to say.
2. Stop judging them: simply listen to what they are saying. And believe them.
3. Don’t continually stare directly into their eyes (it can feel a bit intimidating) but instead aim for a kind of softer look (be careful here, or you may end up looking drunk!) Take in the whole picture but keeping your attention on them.

Please do share any tips of your own for listening! I’m listening….

There are some people who have a natural skill which pyschologists call ‘empathetic inference’. They aren’t actually mind readers but they do have a particular knack of fairly accurately understanding what others are thinking. It’s a great skill to have and will enhance all your relationships- work, career, and personal.

You don’t have to be born with it; if you understand the techniques and skills involved you can practise and improve

Here is the first tip in a mini-series to help you hone your own abilities in ‘empathetic inference’:

Your Framework

Make sure you understand the ‘frame’ from which you are operating, i.e context and your experience of life and upbringing.

Our personal framework, context and experience affects how we interpret what we are seeing and hearing and is a significant factor in understanding others.

For example, depending on our own personal experiences, we may be offended by a slightly off beat jocular comment, not realising the other person is simply joking. Our response may then be disproportionate and difficulties will ensue.

If you find yourself simply not sure, try and introduce some phrases into your conversation such as ‘Can I just check I’m understanding correctly…’, or ‘Oh, that sounds like you mean….have I got that right?’

After a few such clarifying questions you can begin to understand the other person’s frame of reference and ‘read’ them more easily!

I hope you’ve found this useful. Please do share any of your tips for ‘mind reading’ others!