Mind Your Language!
The next time you are faced with a colleague or member of your team who is ‘being difficult’ try changing your language about her/him.
Substitute the word ‘difficult‘ for ‘different‘ and try and work out what makes them different. And then see if you can work with the difference, not the difficulty.
It’s the emotionally intelligent thing to do!
The No Quiz!
How many times do say yes when you want to say no?
How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?
- If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
- If I say no, they won’t like me.
- If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
- My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
- I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
- How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
- These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).
If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!
Three Ways to Listen Better
If you want to increase your effectiveness at work and your popularity in your personal life, listen!
People LOVE being listened to. It’s very respectful and it feels great when people really listen to you, doesn’t it? It’s hard though, I know! I’m a great talker myself….
So here are a three tips to improve your listening skills (which I remind myself to use from time to time):
- Give them time: don’t rush in to help them finish a sentence, or jump in with your response. Stay quiet and give them some space to work out what they want to say.
- Stop judging them: simply listen to what they are saying. And believe them.
- Don’t continually stare directly into their eyes (it can feel a bit intimidating) but instead aim for a kind of softer look (be careful here, or you may end up looking drunk!) Take in the whole picture but keeping your attention on them.
Please do share any tips of your own for listening! I’m listening….
Be a Mind Reader! Tip 1
Whether you realise it or not you are probably ‘mind reading’ other people every single day!
There are some people who have a natural skill which pyschologists call ‘empathetic inference’. They aren’t actually mind readers but they do have a particular knack of fairly accurately understanding what others are thinking. It’s a great skill to have and will enhance all your relationships- work, career, and personal.
You don’t have to be born with it; if you understand the techniques and skills involved you can practise and improve
Here is the first tip in a mini-series to help you hone your own abilities in ‘empathetic inference’:
Your Framework
Make sure you understand the ‘frame’ from which you are operating, i.e context and your experience of life and upbringing.
Our personal framework, context and experience affects how we interpret what we are seeing and hearing and is a significant factor in understanding others.
For example, depending on our own personal experiences, we may be offended by a slightly off beat jocular comment, not realising the other person is simply joking. Our response may then be disproportionate and difficulties will ensue.
If you find yourself simply not sure, try and introduce some phrases into your conversation such as ‘Can I just check I’m understanding correctly…’, or ‘Oh, that sounds like you mean….have I got that right?’
After a few such clarifying questions you can begin to understand the other person’s frame of reference and ‘read’ them more easily!
I hope you’ve found this useful. Please do share any of your tips for ‘mind reading’ others!
Men and Women Talk Differently!
If you talk to other people and are either a man or a woman, you need to read this!
The ability to communicate well, to get your message across to customers, colleagues, and friends is hugely important! And listening and interpreting what you hear and see correctly is a vital tool in every area of life.
Did you know that there are powerful differences in how men and women communicate which can lead to misunderstanding and miscommunication all round? So if you want to be sure that you are interpreting the signals properly read on!
Fact and Fiction
Much has been written about the differences between men and women; it’s been a topic of interest since time began. And for almost every theory saying one thing you can usually find another to contradict it.
Let me reassure you right away that what follows is based on research undertaken by academics, who directly observed the behaviour of men and women in general conversation and business meetings. I know you will find it interesting!
I draw no conclusions here as to why these differences exist but merely note them so that you can make use of this important information in your day to day life and consider how you can make it work for you.
Nod Means Yes…or Does It?
Research in the Western world has found significant differences in meaning between men and women in the use of that little head movement.
Generally speaking, if a man nods his head in a meeting he is signalling his assent to what is being said. He agrees with the speaker and is showing it. If he doesn’t agree he won’t nod. That’s pretty straightforward.
Women, on the other hand, nod their heads quite a lot when listening but they are not doing this to say they agree with what has been said. They are saying, in general, ‘I understand what you are saying, do go on’. Maybe that’s not quite so straightforward.
In my training seminars I observe this often; the women give encouraging nods and half smiles and often make little ‘mm’ noises to let me know they are paying attention.
Men, on the other hand, tend not to give those cues, unless they are in agreement with what I am saying. I used to misinterpret this lack of visual encouragement for lack of interest, which it was not, until I learned to read the signs.
So What?
Does it matter that different genders use different verbal cues? Well, it can matter a lot! Imagine being in a meeting. If you are a man who has been speaking on a topic you may have seen your female colleagues nodding away at you, you may have, quite logically, interpreted this as agreement with what you have said.
The women however, may have merely been polite listeners. They have heard you out, let you have your turn, but now they wish to say something contrary to the argument that you have just made.
As a man this puzzles you. Surely they have been nodding their agreement all the way through so why now do they suddenly choose to be difficult?
As a woman, not receiving any encouraging cues to keep talking, you may fall silent, or become irritated and think you are not being listened to.
Neither interpretation may be correct and requires clarification.
Interestingly, there is also a lot of research to show that females are more likely to change their behaviour and become more male-like in mixed groups rather than try to change the norm.
Interrupting is Rude – or is it Power?
Generally speaking, when we have a conversation with someone we ‘take turns’. There is a convention that when speaking we wait for the speaker to finish and then we have our turn. There are interruptions and overlap but there is a tacitly agreed acceptable amount, which varies according to circumstances.
For example, if a friend is having a bad time we may spend the larger part of a conversation listening to them than would be usual, without speaking ourselves. We learn to do this from an early age so we can actually have conversations, not just chaotic babbling!
Differences
There are some fascinating differences in behaviour between women talking to women, men talking to men, and men and women talking together.
Broadly speaking when we are talking in same gender conversations (male to male, female to female), ‘turn taking’ is very evident. There are a few interruptions and overlaps (starting your turn as the previous speaker is finishing) but they are not overly intrusive.
Women Talk Too Much?
Recorded conversations between men and women show something very different however. In almost all cases men were found to be more likely to interrupt women disruptively and women were less likely to interrupt men. Women still observed the turn taking rule, even more rigidly sometimes, becoming quieter than in same gender conversations.
In the world of work this can make it very difficult for women to get their point across and for men to know what women are actually thinking or have to contribute. This has been observed in study after study.
Other researchers went on to investigate if this was still an issue with senior women in business. They found that even when a woman was of higher status in an organisation than a man she was interrupted more frequently by the man. In 85% of recorded conversations a man interrupted a woman and kept the floor.
This same phenomenon has been observed on TV and radio chat shows where there is a male host.
Doctor Knows Best
A study of doctor patient conversations showed that it is the norm for doctors to interrupt patients rather than patients to interrupt doctors, except, you’ve guessed it, where the doctor is a woman. Then the male patient interrupts frequently.
What Can I Do Now?
When I share this research during my seminars it has quite an impact! Often the men are dismayed to think that they come across as constant interrupters and the women are annoyed with themselves for being so passive. Often both will question the research (I’ll give you some references at the end).
And remember it is generalised and may not apply to you! The point of sharing this is most definitely not to wag a finger or score cheap points but to add to your knowledge of how we communicate. Use this information to enhance your skills and influence.
For example, if you are a woman you might think again about how you contribute in business meetings and how you can make sure that your voice is heard.
If you are a man you might reflect that listening more might give you a better informed view, of colleagues or of what your female customers want.
Suggestions for Further Reading available from Amazon
Women and Men at Work by Deborah Tannen
Women, Men & Language by Jennifer Coates
Listen to This!
Listen well and make friends and influence people! We all like to think we are good listeners. However, most of us tend to confuse hearing with listening and often we think we are listening when actually we’re thinking about what we want to say next. Hearing is a physical process- listening is a mental process.
Listening is critical to our everyday lives, yet during our early years we don’t actually spend a lot of time learning how to do it! It’s been estimated that 40% of the time in early school is spent learning how to read and 35% on learning how to write. Approximately 25% is spent learning how to talk and virtually no time at all is spent on learning how to listen or communicate! No wonder we occasionally need some help!
Bad Habits
When I work one to one with individuals I often find the difficulties that they are experiencing arise from poor communication which stems from poor listening. We develop bad habits, particularly in intimate relationships with family and friends; we assume we know what they are going to say next. We ‘hear’ what we expect to hear. Have you ever had the same argument over and over when no one really listens to the other person because you know what they are going to say and they know what you are going to say and you both go round in inconclusive circles?
Or maybe you have spoken at length with a salesperson explaining what you are looking for, only to have them offer you something else? They have stopped listening once they think they have heard what you want and are mentally rehearsing their sales pitch for that product. Then they offer you something you don’t want and you walk away. Or worse, you actually buy it but never go back and never recommend them.
Personality Listening
Another poor listening habit is sometimes called ‘personality listening’, when we make a judgement based on what the speaker looks and sounds like- we will not give them our full attention if we conclude they are not worth our time. Conversely, we might listen attentively because someone’s appearance leads us to think what they say may be of use to us, emphasising the importance of paying attention to all aspects of how your message is delivered.
Verbal, Vocal & Visual
Listening is not just about interpreting the spoken words. A good listener reads the entire message presented to him or her. That message divides into three categories and has been researched by Professor Mehrabian. He found that words actually counted for only 7% of the total message being believed, with the tone and sound of the voice at 38%, and a huge 55% attributed to all the non verbal things that we receive like body language, posture, and the overall look. If the body language and facial expression does not match up with the words, is incongruent, the message is less likely to be believed. Body language over rides the words. My renewyou course has an exercise practising this skill and it is always very powerful.
Develop Your Skills
To develop your listening skills you must first decide to listen. Despite all the talk about multi-tasking we know that if you want to do a task really well you should only do one thing at a time. Sometimes you need to take the time to listen properly. If someone wants to talk to you but you are short of time, tell them you only have five minutes, but then give those five minutes freely. Don’t potter around packing your bag, tidying up, and checking your watch, but do sit or stand opposite them, making appropriate eye contact, looking at them and not letting your gaze wander. Let them have your full attention for those important five minutes. You can signal your intention to close the conversation by summarising what they have said after four minutes and, if you are unable to respond immediately, let them know when you will give them a proper response. If you do not listen well you will usually find that the encounter is prolonged as the speaker tries again and again to get their point across!
You can show people you are listening with a smile or a nod of encouragement for them to continue, (there are some very interesting differences between genders). Ask some questions about what they have said to make sure that you understand, maybe using an experience of your own to check out your understanding, but don’t start your own anecdote or response until they have finished. Make sure that you are responding first to what they have actually said and not just jumping in with your own contribution.
Listen in all respects. Does the pitch or timbre of their voice change at certain points? Are they using lots of feeling type words? Do they look relaxed or agitated? Are they telling you something through their body language, their eye contact? Sometimes people are unaware that their body is telling a story too.
Don’t Interrupt
Listening well means letting people get to the end of what they want to say. We all interrupt from time to time and in normal day to day conversation this can be fine. But if you really want to improve the quality of your listening practise not interrupting. Staying silent is a powerful tool and you will be surprised how much more information you will get and how good it makes the other person feel to be listened to attentively.
We make these errors because listening well is a skill; it’s not just passively receiving information. When we’re listening we should be trying to understand what the other person is saying. A simple test is to ask yourself before replying, can I accurately paraphrase what they have just said? If you can’t, you probably haven’t been listening.
Listen to Your Customers/Clients
Developing your listening skills will help you in all areas of your life. People love being listened to and they love good listeners. Listening to your customers or clients is vital. Whatever the service you offer, you will have a poor response if you offer them something inappropriate for their needs, or misunderstand what they are telling you. They will feel disrespected and ignored, and are unlikely to be repeat customers or recommend your services to others. But if you give them what they want- happiness all round.
In this world of fast and instant communication with text messages and Emails the norm it is even more of an asset to know how to listen. Good quality listening will mean you get better quality information, it will save you time, and it will enhance your professional skills. Try it out, and as usual, do let me know how you get on!
