Decide Not to Decide!
I was coaching someone recently who was struggling with a difficult decision, hampered by her feelings that she ‘ought‘ to be being more assertive.
“You know”, I said “it is perfectly possible to be assertive and not make a decision. Simply decide you’re not making a decision right now!”
Sometimes we get so caught up in looking at all the pros and cons that we can’t see anything with clarity. While coaching obviously helps provide that focus, sometimes the confusion is there for a good reason; it may just be the wrong time for you to make this decision. So, unless you have a particularly tight deadline, assert your right not make one!
Why I Love MBTI!
I really LOVE the MBTI and I LOVE the effect it has when working with women (It works for men too; but I primarily work with women). M.B.T.I. stands for Myers Briggs Type Indicator and you can find more factual details about it via this link.
Why?
I tend to love it more for what it’s not. A lot of psychological profiling is very judgemental, the MBTI is not. It won’t fill you full of ‘should’ and ‘oughts’ or worse give you as sense of inadequacy. It simply helps you understand yourself in greater depth.
When I was doing my post graduate training in social work we were often subjected to (I use the word advisedly) various psychological tests to determine our attitudes, suitability for the role etc. I rarely found these helpful or enlightening. Standard tools and questionnaires work on a right or wrong approach; there is a yardstick by which you are judged, a perfect way to be.
For example, consider assertiveness. If you take an assertiveness questionnaire (and I confess, I do sometimes use one when training to promote discussion and debate) it will assume that there is a degree of assertiveness that is desirable. That will probably be measured at 100% with any score coming at over 80% being good. It can’t take into account the fact that you are totally assertive at work but find it hard to tell your sister in law that you want to stay home next Christmas! And if you feel perfectly comfortable with your assertiveness levels but come in at 65% you may feel a bit of a failure.
No Pass or Fail
You cannot pass or fail the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. There is no right or wrong, no 100% score to achieve, there is just you. You are always in control. It is one of the most respected profiling tools in the world and one with a very high retest probability. Which in laywomen’s terms means you have a high chance of getting the same answers however many times you take it! (The only exception to this is if it’s taken when young, while our personalities are still developing).
Team Work
Although the M.B.T.I is often used in groups and can be great for helping teams understand each other, I personally will only use it for the first time it in a one to one situation. I trained at the original MBTI college in the U.S and part of my ethical contract with them is that results are always confidential to the individual. The individual must be given space and time to fully understand and agree with their type before being asked if they are happy to share.
Peer Pressure
In my experience it is not possible to do this in a group situation; the pressure of peers to join in (however subtle and unintentional) can be too great. That said, if all team members are genuinely happy to talk about their result, and genuinely happy with the type they have, it can be a phenomenal tool in promoting understanding!
If you’re interested in discovering more about yourself using the M.B.T.I. either as a one off session or part of a coaching package, please do give me a call on 01761 438749 or email me. I have a great special offer running throughout the Spring!
MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Myers-Briggs, the MBTI logo and Introduction to Type are registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust. Strong Interest Inventory, FIRO-B, SkillsOne, and Davies-Black are registered trademarks and CPI 260, CPI, California Psychological Inventory, the CPP logo, the FIRO-B logo and the CPI 260 logo are trademarks of CPP, Inc.
Personal Development or Training?
I had a great conversation recently with one of my clients. She had come to me initially for some coaching about advancing her career. I am not specifically a traditional career coach so we talked for some time before committing to anything on either side. And as we talked it became apparent that she knew exactly what she needed to do to get on but the issue was one of confidence and belief in actually doing it!
She had tried various training courses but they didn’t help. Not because they weren’t good training courses; they sounded excellent, but because she wasn’t psychologically in a place to make best use of the information. She didn’t actually need any skills based TRAINING at that point in time, she needed some personal development.
Training
Although people (including me) often use ‘training’ to describe what I do it’s not particularly accurate. When I am running one of my women’s courses I am not offering traditional training, I am offering an opportunity to reflect, grow and develop in a way personal to you.
Key Differences.
If you attend a training course it’s likely to be work oriented, and skills based. You may attend a training course on manual handling, for example. A manual handling course is often mandatory in particular fields- you have to attend and you have to come away with a piece of paper that says you’ve attended and met a required standard. The person teaching the course has a list of competencies or skills to teach you.
Or your firm may have introduced a new computer system and all employees have to understand how it works so have to either enrol on line or undertake a short course, or turn up for some hands on experience and tuition.
What these have in common is everyone is taught exactly the same way, with the same information. Even if you begin with quite a bit of knowledge on manual handling or the computer system you still receive the same input; there are ‘correct’ answers that you have to give at the end of the day. You can benchmark yourself against others and see how well (or otherwise) you are doing compared with others.
Personal Development
When you undertake personal development everything you have ever done is relevant, regardless of your status or age, or educational achievements. No judgements about your abilities are made.
In personal development, be it through a women’s course or coaching, there are no right answers to strive for. Everyone is unique and everyone has a different response. Never compare yourself to anyone else. You don’t pass or fail, you simply develop. And how you develop depends on so many different factors but most of all on the uniqueness of you.
So you could attend a woman’s personal development course one year and maybe get something from it but it may not be especially life changing. Yet you could attend that self same course six months later and because of where you are at (figuratively speaking) in your life it totally transforms you.
For example, someone may be on one of my courses at exactly the right moment for them and it really does set them off on a new path. So, when I ask if anyone wants to make a comment, they stand up and proudly announce that this opportunity to evaluate their life means they are now going to give up the day job, learn eye surgery (in Flemish) and explore Timbuktu riding backwards on a donkey!
However, if you are sitting in the same group you may be thinking to yourself:
“Well, this period of reflection has been great. I think I’m going to join the local library and get a book out on being more assertive and make sure I give myself some ‘me’ time.”
The point is personal development is exactly that, personal. Don’t compare, don’t set yourself impossible goals, simply be honest and allow the thoughts to do what they will. It’s for you, not a test or exam. Neither is right or wrong; you are simply exploring what is right for you at any particular time in your life with someone who is not judging you in any way, but focussed on helping you be the best you can be.
Coaching
Similarly with coaching; sometime clients come to me having been talking with friends and colleagues who have made enormous life changes following coaching. Coaching is another form of personal development- you don’t pass or fail. You get what you need at the time from it and a good coach will help you identify what is right for you. And that’s rarely what worked for someone else. It’s your life - what is important to you is what matters. So never compare yourself with others.
Another difference with personal development or coaching is that it is entirely voluntary. You cannot be ordered to have coaching or go on a personal development course. (Well, I guess you could but it would probably be a worthless experience for you!)
Research
One point that may be of interest; the Springboard Consultancy commissioned some research a few years back looking at the effectiveness of this type of coaching/personal development work. What they discovered was that managers noticed a positive difference in staff who undertook personal development work; they returned more focussed on problem solving than complaining about what was wrong and they coped better with change. And even more interestingly, women who had done some personal development felt that the effects of it went well beyond the actual time they were doing it. In fact, most said they really began to feel the full effects about 12 months afterwards as they began to see the fruits of the changes they had made in their lives.
And Finally
Back to my coaching client from paragraph one! What she actually rang me to tell me was that she now realised she didn’t want to go on in her career but had been swept along by other people’s expectations of her. The opportunity to reflect had allowed her to seriously think about what she wanted from her life and it wasn’t the role she currently had. She wanted to let me know that she had decided upon a different path and was actually setting up her own part time business which sat very happily with her value base and need for some autonomy. She was being true to herself!
A Coaching Question
A simple question to leave with you to ponder upon:
If you had no fear and you could do one thing to improve the quality of your life as it is right now, what would it be?
Picture Credit: Sigurd Decroos
How to Cope with Worry
We all worry about life from time to time; it’s natural and probably necessary. But sometimes an ordinary amount of worry can get out of control and spiral into anxiety, eroding our enjoyment of life.
Here’s a tip I use when coaching to help clients control their worrying:
Coaching Exercise
Allow yourself to develop the worry. Take it to the extreme as in ‘What is the worst possible outcome?’ Simply articulating this can help enormously and if you can visualise yourself dealing with the worst case scenario it will help.
Then imagine what is the best possible outcome?
And finally, looking at all the evidence and information you have, what is the most realistic outcome?
How do you manage life’s wee worries? Do you have a favourite tip to share? I’d love to hear it!
Manage Yourself
It’s funny how themes seem to emerge when I’m coaching. Recently three different clients were experiencing very similar problems; a disinterested boss.
They weren’t being bullied, they loved their jobs, the pay was fine, the environment was fine. They simply had managers who took very little interest in what they did and in their development.
Survey
It’s not surprising it bothered them so much; a survey from Gallop revealed that having a manager who took an interest in, and regularly praised staff, was in the top ten factors for satisfaction with work.
My clients had partly solved their dilemma by investing in coaching (and one had persuaded her boss to pay, clever her!) but if that’s not an option what can you do?
Tips for Managing Yourself
You can’t rely on getting a good manager but if you’ve had one in the past, it helps to be specific about what made them good. Your list of requirements may be very different from someone else so just be honest about what you need.
- Is it support to do your job?
- Is it an ear to act as a soundboard for ideas?
- Is it to be stretched, developed and challenged?
- Is it to signpost you to further training?
- Is it to connect with other areas of your company, be kept in the loop?
- Do you need some validation or praise for your role?
Once you have specified for yourself what you are missing, think widely about your network and see if you can get these elements elsewhere in the organisation.
For example, if several of you feel the same, you might be able to set up a lunch time support group. Or maybe a professional group when each person takes turns to present a case/example/issue for discussion? This is a very good way to develop everyone!
Co-Coaching
Maybe co-coaching is the way to go? Find another person with a similar interest to you in their career, not necessarily someone you really like, (but respecting them is essential.)
Agree the aims and boundaries of your co-coaching arrangement. You may choose, for example, to meet for 45 minutes in a lunch hour. One of you has fifteen minutes to share your issue when all attention is focussed on the speaker (no sharing of anecdotes or butting in with your own experiences). The listener can speak but only to clarify her understanding of the issues.
The remaining 30 minutes are dedicated to looking at strategies to help the speaker. At the end of the session you should have a mini action plan for strategies to try with a date by which they will be done. the next session you swap roles.
Listen and Prepare
I use this type of partnership working on my training and it’s amazing how successful it can be. The key is to really listen and for the speaker to prepare beforehand, be honest and listen to the suggestions offered in return.
If you’ve tried this I”d love to know if it worked for you. And if you’ve any tips to share, let’s hear them!
P.S. If you’d like to discuss your own coaching options, you can simply call me on 01761 438749, no obligation, or use this link
Some Coaching Questions for Women
Life Coaching for Women
One of the most common coaching dilemmas presented to me when coaching women is- how can I continue to make progress in my business/career as well as maintaining a good work life balance?
What makes a good work life balance varies from individual to individual but the issues for women are often around still trying to do it all, the curse of Superwoman! Like managing a home, being a carer for either children or elderly parents, general household tasks (studies still show that a higher percentage of housework is done by women regardless of status of work), let alone actually find some time for themselves!
Coaching Questions for Work Life Balance
These are some of the questions I ask when talking about work life balance with women. How do you feel about your answers?
1.) How many hours a week do you spend at work and travelling to work?
2.) How often do you think or worry about work (when you are not actually at work or travelling to work)?
3.) How do you feel about the amount of time you spend at work, travelling to work or thinking about it?
4.) How often do you take a lunch break lasting more than 30 minutes? Away from your desk/office?
5.) Do you ever miss out on quality time with your family and or friends because of pressure of work?
6.) Does work ever have a negative effect on your personal life?
7.) When was the last time you did something for yourself rather than for someone else?
8.) Do you ever feel anxious or upset because of what is happening at work?
9.) When was the last time you lost your temper at work?
10.) Do you ever feel tired or depressed because of work?
If you are unhappy with some of your answers it may be time to make some changes and to have an assertive conversation with significant people in your life, be that at work or home.
