I was reminded of the ‘Shift Your Butt’ exercise yesterday when running an in house seminar. I laughingly suggested that participants could try sitting somewhere else in the room after the break. Of course, they didn’t want to and resolutely stayed put. People rarely do. We get comfortable with our situation very quickly and even if we don’t much like the view, at least we know it!

Which is fine sometimes but resolutely staying put doesn’t lead to a life of growth, development and discovery. And more fun!

So, for one day only, why don’t you try the ‘Shift Your Butt’ Exercise?

Today, don’t sit anywhere you would normally sit. Whether it’s at the dining table, at work, watching TV or in a meeting, see the world from a different place.

Go on, give it a go! See what happens and do let me know.

*One of Karen’s books is reviewed here - Sheconomics .  You can read my book policy here but briefly if I don’t think books are helpful to you I don’t talk about them. I have a shelf full of books which didn’t make my grade.

Photo Credit: Juliane Riedl

But of course I want to be successful!

Of course you do! Or do you? As much as losing one’s job brings about unasked for change, so does getting a new one. Except in the latter case everyone is pleased for us and expectations are high…

Another example; you may be single and have told friends you are looking for a new relationship; that you feel ready to move on but the right people just aren’t out there. Friends rally round to introduce you to new people, tell you about dating sites, offer advice.

But you take no action. In your head there is always a good reason why you resist all offers of help. It’s the wrong time, you’re going to lose weight, you’re really busy at work, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.

Or maybe you are bored and miserable in your job. Yet you stay, grumbling about it daily but taking no action to get out of the rut you find yourself in. Then a new job comes up which has everything you want and you meet all the requirements. It’s a bit of a step up, but in your heart you know you can do it. So you send for all the information, have a great informal discussion with the HR person and then miss the application deadline.

In both cases you are self sabotaging and if you want to make a positive change in your life you have to discover why you do it.

Coaching Questions

If self sabotage rings true for you, try to honestly answer these questions about yourself:

• Are you frightened of change, even when it’s positive.
• What’s your track record with change?
• Do you spend so long analysing situations that you become paralysed with all the possible outcomes so you do nothing?
• Do you hold particular self limiting beliefs, such as ‘I’m not good enough’
• Do you get attacks of ‘Imposter Syndrome‘ believing that everyone else is better than you so you tell them about your faults before they ‘unmask’ you? (In my experience this is very common with women – don’t focus on your shortcomings, talk about your strengths!)
• Do you procrastinate so take so long to do something that the deadline passes, or action is never taken? This way, you’re always working toward to it but never quite get there.

If you’ve ticked any of the above, don’t despair! You can change. You have got stuck in a pattern of behaviour that can be altered, a new pattern can be introduced to replace the old one.

Step one is being honest with yourself. You need to know what it is you want and what it is that stops you getting there!

YOU CAN BE SUCCESSFUL!

If you have successfully tackled any self sabotaging behaviours, or have some tips to share, I’d love to hear from you!

Our past, our life history, is important. It has brought us where we are today.

But there are times when the view we hold of our past can hold us back from fully experiencing the present, from developing into the people we can be, from living life to the full and pro-actively shaping our future.

We cannot change our past. The good news, however, is that we can change the view we hold of our past.

I am not pretending this is an easy thing to do. If you have had a particularly difficult time it would be trite of me to say “try this exercise and magically all will be well”. Clearly that is nonsense.

Manage Your Past

What I know is, with care, attention, and support you can take some control of the impact your past has on you. People are extraordinarily resilient. You are extraordinarily resilient! If you need to, you can overcome your past!

In my career I have worked with both criminals and victims of crime, helping them both to overcome the difficulties of their past experiences to move forward in a positive way.

Similarly I’ve worked with women in abusive situations helping them find a way out and break the cycle. I’ve worked with children who found themselves part of the care system and carried enormous feelings of guilt with them. Understanding their past history was fundamental to helping them move on. Knowing their negative internalised messages and neutralising them really put them on the road to living a full and happy life.

The River of Your Life

There are lots of ways of looking at your past but what follows is an exercise that has worked well with my clients. Give yourself plenty of time and, depending on your unique circumstances,  choose a time when you feel strong enough to look at your past.

Take a large sheet of paper and some coloured crayons; the coloured crayons will stimulate your creativity and help your thinking.

If you can, in your mind’s eye, try and imagine your life as a meandering river. You know where it started but you don’t know where it will end. At times it has flowed over stony ground and been split into different directions, sometimes drought has almost stopped its flow, and other times it has been full and strong, overcoming all obstacles in its path. Allow your creativity free rein. If you want to put in little islands or hummocks or a jetty along the way, do. This is simply an aid to help you think.

As you draw your river, imagine that each bend and change in flow represents a significant event in your life. An early memory may be a new sibling, for example, or starting school, a move to a new neighbourhood. It’s a natural human tendency to focus on negative events – resist this! Try to include ALL the significant events of your life.

Spend some time on this so you get some good material to work with. Don’t try to rush ahead to the analysis stage. Take your time and allow your thoughts to wander a little if they need to. If you feel yourself getting upset simply notice the emotion. Don’t try and stop the feelings surfacing; they are an important part of this exercise. Instead, note them in some way.

Some bends in your river may bring a smile to your face. Make a note of that too!

Reflect

Keep on adding bends/chicanes/waterfalls/incised meanders/islands/jettys/moorings and drawing out your river until you have reached a point where you want to stop. Now look at what you have produced and ask yourself these questions:

• How have those bends and turns influenced me in my adult life?
• What practical effect have they had on my life to date?
• What emotional effect have they had?
• What is your view of those events? Good, bad, indifferent?
• If that view is negative, can you come up with an  alternative positive interpretation?
• What coping strategies have you used that have worked for you?
• What strengths have you gained from your life experiences?
• How do you want the rest of your river to flow?

Usually the impact of this exercise rolls out over a period of time. You will remember new bits to add to your river, have new thoughts, relive good and bad times. The purpose of this exercise is to take control of your past, to make it work for you, not against. It’s not about rubbishing or minimising what has happened in your life. It may be more about honouring it, giving it a place (but not too big a place). This applies to whatever your view of your past is

Live in the Present

Living in the past is no place to be. If your past is pulling you back, resolve to deal with it now. Get professional help if you need it, take space if you need it. Resolve to live in the now. And remember:

“We are not touched so much by life’s events themselves, but by the view we CHOOSE to take of them”
Epictetus.

You can always have control, don’t be a victim of your past!

Three coaching questions for you:-

• How do you feel at this point in time? Are any feelings of concern or anxiety based on the actual facts of your life, or what you think might happen?

• Is it within your power to do anything about the situation at the moment, at this point in time? If so, start planning to do it. If not, why are you advance worrying?

• What is the worst thing that you think might happen? And the best…?

“Our lives can change with every breath we take. That is why we have to let go of what has been done.”
Author Unknown

One reason we can find change difficult, even when we really want the result making the change will bring, is because changing to something new means losing something. Change and loss, as well as change and gain are inextricably linked.

If we haven’t worked out what we’re afraid of losing, we’ll find reasons not to make the change. And we usually do this subconsciously, so our inability to make positive changes puzzles us…

If you have struggled to change your life for the better it’s worth taking considered time to ponder this question:

“What might you be afraid of losing?”

So I thought it might be fun if I asked you some of the questions. Please choose one or two to answer and share with other readers via the comments section of  the blog. Don’t compare, never compare. You are unique. Something you have to say might just be the magic push someone else needs to make a significant change in their life!

Here are some typical interview questions that I ask of my Inspirational Women. Answer them honestly about yourself, no hiding of lights!

Your Questions

1) What was your very first paid job, and do you use any skills you acquired then in your present role?

2) Which person had had the biggest influence in your life so far?

3) What is the best piece of advice you have been given?

4) What is the best piece of advice you have ever given and to whom?

5) Have you ever encountered sexism in your working or personal life and if so, how did you deal with it?

6) How do you relax?

7) Did you plan your career/life or have events just happened?

8) What has been your best mistake and why?

9) What is the best thing for you when you’re feeling stressed?

10) What is your favourite saying, or piece of poetry, or book?

11) What has been your biggest achievement to date, the thing in your life that you are most proud of?

12) If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be?

Even if you don’t want to share any of your answers, do have a go at the questions. And forward this link to anyone you think would enjoy answering them too. I think you’ll end up inspiring yourself! In my experience, most women are very good at underselling themselves and it takes an exercise like this that makes you realise just how WONDERFUL YOU ARE!

Economically times are tough now, particularly if you work within the public sector. There is a high level of uncertainty about security of employment, future roles, and the knowledge that, even if your job is safe, perhaps adequate funding to do it is not.

 In short, it’s not currently a great place to be. I work within the public sector a lot, indeed I was a manager and practitioner in both, and my heart goes out to the individuals who are coping with the uncertainty that now hovers over them. This post is dedicated to all those facing huge uncertainty; many people in the private sector will find it resonates too.

How to Take Charge?

One of the reasons we find it so challenging is because we feel we have no control over events; it feels like we’re on the back foot, waiting to react to events as they occur. And that makes us feel helpless. And feeling helpless makes us feel like a victim, possibly like a child, which in turn saps our confidence and leaves us feeling inadequate: less able to cope with what may be coming. A vicious cycle.

I have lots of coaching clients at the moment who feel very vulnerable and exposed; and as their confidence levels dip so does their ability to cope.

A common reaction is to try and ignore what is happening, to stay in denial for as long as possible. A certain amount of ostrich like behaviour is normal, but for your own self respect and sanity, take back some control.

Questions

Knowledge is power and empowering. You need some information that is particular to you before you make any decisions, or are bounced into making decisions! Simply exploring all your options in case your job disappears does not make it any more like to happen. Facing your fears does put you in control!

Here are some questions it’s worth knowing the answers to:

• How much do you actually need to live on?
• What are your regular outgoings?
• What is your status vis a vis redundancy? Do you know what your entitlement would be if redundancy was on offer/proposed?
• How do you look after yourself best, keep yourself well and manage your stress levels?
• Are you currently doing any of those things? Or planning to do them?
• Who are the friends who support and sustain you? Your radiators?
• How have you coped with significant life change in the past (and you will have coped with lots of changes!)
• What’s your worst fear about the changes afoot? Is it possible loss of income? Role? Status? Companionship? Stimulation?
• What would you love to do if you weren’t in your current role?

If you can answer all of those questions you will be well on the way to taking back some of the control that uncertainty wrests from you. You can’t do much about the economic situation we find ourselves in, or the political decisions being made which affect your life.

But you can CHOOSE how you react!

Nobody can take your ability to hold your own thoughts away from you. And you can make a choice about those thoughts. I don’t mean some trite ‘think beautiful thoughts and change the universe’ philosophy. No, instead I am talking about holding onto to your sense of self, not giving away your own power; being aware that you are so much more than the sum of your parts and the job description you have, and making the choice not to be a victim!

If you find yourself in a time of uncertainty I hope the above is of some use to you. If this is a situation you have previously experienced it would be great to hear how you came through, what worked and what didn’t.  I am currently writing a programme to help employees survive and thrive in times of uncertainty. I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas!

If you manage staff then this may be of interest!

If you run a successful business you will know that you have to keep a weather eye on the economic climate, competitors, fashion and so on to maintain an edge. If you’re successful you know that you have to keep being flexible and offering what your clients want and need. You have to be prepared to change.

But if you are an employee are you as flexible?

Assess Yourself

I was coaching a business owner a while back who was talking about changes that had to be made within the company. Her dilemma was that she had some very good staff and some OK staff. All were loyal with low sickness records etc but she knew that over the course of the next year there would probably have to be a reduction in staffing levels. I asked her to consider which staff gave her most value and I didn’t mean staff who worked for less, or longer unpaid hours. They weren’t offering her any additional value; simply turning up and doing your job without mishap is not enough when jobs are at risk. We were talking about staff who were enthusiastic, offered ideas, undertook training, sometimes even of their own volition.

If you are employed it might be worth taking time out to reflect on your flexibility. What changes are afoot in your industry or business? Can you see a new skill base being required in the not too distant future? How can you add value to what you bring to your role? If the future looks uncertain have you considered alternatives? When did you last undertake professional/job related training?What alternative sources of employment are there in your vicinity? If you were suddenly to be unemployed, how would you manage?

Being prepared to face up to potential problems can lessen their impact and put you ahead of the field.

And if you did have to change your current role, what opportunities might there be?

If you’ve been in this position I’d love to hear from you and how you coped. Did you use an outside resource like a careers advisor? A coach? A CV expert? Did your company provide helpful support? What would you advise others? Did you see the change coming?

Here is an example:

You are late for work one morning and when you arrive a group of your colleagues are in a little huddle. You automatically assume they are complaining to each other about your lateness.

Because you think they are talking about you, you don’t offer an explanation for your lateness but go to your desk without speaking. And you have a miserable day, reviving in your head every negative experience you have ever had at work, feeling more and more miserable and unhappy.

Challenge Your Thinking

Here’s a list of questions to use to challenge your perceptions:

What are the actual facts?
I was late for work and people were engaged in conversation when I arrived.

What are my perceptions?
That they were talking about my unreliability and my being late.

What evidence supports my perceptions?
No one talked to me all morning

What evidence contradicts my perceptions?
No one has made any comment about my lateness. We’ve all been really busy this morning, heads down because it’s reports day. Generally there is a friendly atmosphere and I haven’t had any problems before.

Is my thinking unhelpful?
I am immediately jumping to negative conclusions.

How else can I look at what happened?
I didn’t offer any explanation so they are respecting my privacy. They may have been worrying about me, not talking unkindly about me. They may even have been talking about my birthday which is next week. I have no evidence of what they were talking about at all. My silence stopped them talking to me as they may have thought I was upset.

In fact, there are loads of alternative explanations so ask yourself why you have chosen the one with least favourable consequences for you?

Socrates

If you can teach yourself this form of self questioning you’ll be following a long and noble tradition begun by Socrates. You are employing Socratic questioning and holding your thoughts up to logical scrutiny. Try it out next time you find yourself jumping to conclusions, and let me know how you get on!

‘Is this my goal, my dream, or have I taken on someone else’s? Is this something I really want to do or is it something I think I should be doing?’

For example, when I’m coaching we’ll sometimes find ourselves ‘stuck’ at a particular point with the coachee reluctant to take the steps needed to fully realise their ambition.

So here are some of the coaching questions I often ask in order to help them tease out their level of motivation:

• What will achieving this goal mean for you?
• If you achieve this goal what else will it bring you?
• What might stop you having what you want?
• How will achieving this goal affect other people in your life?
• What or who do you think is biggest barrier in fully realising this goal?
• If you could wave a wand and achieve your goal right now, would you be happy?

If you’re feeling a bit stuck with your progress, try honestly answering these questions. Try and visualise yourself having achieved the goal and see how your life looks. If you listen to your inner voice you should know whether this is something YOU really want.