How To Make Bad Times Better
Do you find yourself waking up, listening to the news and beginning to feel gloomy about everything? The state of the world, economic misery, people losing their jobs, sexism from sport presenters…
Unfortunately it’s really easy to make yourself fed up; it’ll creep up on you unawares and before you know it you’re succumbing to the grumpy stereotype and tutting indiscriminately. It requires a bit more effort to do the opposite. I am not about to advocate that you turn off the radio, TV, stop reading papers etc (although as a change that is temporarily refreshing) because I believe we should engage with the world and try to change things for the good, as much as we are able.
However, I do think we are in the midst of great change, change over which we have little control and which can cause us to feel the classic symptoms of anger, distress, helplessness, and melancholy. I am as susceptible to this as anyone, despite what I do for a living! I frequently work with people in huge distress about what is happening to their jobs, to the services they provide, prospects for their children, etc. Their despair is genuine and valid, and I often share it.
But I manage the effect it has on me and you can too!
Manage the Effects of Change
One of the keys to dealing with change is to find an area where you can exert some control. Depending on your circumstances and outside events that will vary wildly from individual to individual. One thing you always have some control over is how you feel and respond to the negative stuff that comes your way. No one has yet cut that!
I am not suggesting that you get all happy clappy and Pollyanna like and come across like someone who hasn’t a clue what is happening! I don’t want you to stop caring about what is happening to others, or to yourself. Keep taking action on what you believe in, direct the anger to an appropriate cause, try and make a positive difference in the world.
A ‘Control Your Feelings’ Exercise
What am I am suggesting is you try this simple exercise each morning and consciously manage your feelings, don’t let them be managed for you!
- As you start your day, pause and think to yourself ”How am I feeling? How am I feeling emotionally? Happy? Sad? Angry? Guilty? Nostalgic? Vulnerable?
- What has provoked that feeling this morning? Is it an air of general malaise? Is it something happening in my life? Is it something I think might happen? Was it a chance remark? Did my bum look big this morning? (Honestly, when you stop to analyse it sometimes the most insignificant of things can set you off on a grumpy path!)
- Can you do anything about what ails you at this particular moment?
- Can you do something about it later? If so, make a mental note to do it.
- Do you want to feel like this all day? Is holding onto this feeling going to help or hinder you?
- Decide to take control. Consciously decide how you want to feel, don’t let others control that.
- Smile. Research has shown even a pretend smile can make us feel better about ourselves.
I try to do this most mornings; I like to see it as my own personal act of rebellion!
How do you cope with the current uncertainties of life?
No 3 – You Can Be Fabulous in 2011!
Even if you don’t make formal New Year resolutions you are probably still thinking about the year ahead and how you’d like it to be- if only because people like me keep talking at you about making resolutions!
It’s in the zeitgeist isn’t it? I’m not necessarily a great fan of having a set of formal resolutions you make in January to feel guilty about in February (!) but I do know that having a reasonably clear idea of where you want to be is half way to arriving there successfully! And the end of one year and the start of another is as good a time as any to reflect.
Dare to Dream
So, even if you are not in resolution making mode, this could still be a good exercise to try:
- Take 10 minutes to yourself, somewhere quiet
- Make yourself comfortable and relaxed
- Close your eyes and just notice how you are breathing
- Notice the rise and fall of each breath for about 10 breaths, this will probably gently slow your breathing
- Think yourself ahead 12 months, imagine you in 12 months time
- Ask yourself the following: What do I look like? What do I feel like? What have I done that has made me feel proud, or satisfied, or fulfilled?
What, if anything, do you need to do in the next 12 months to be fabulous in 2011!
No 2. You Can Be Fabulous in 2011!
Making significant change in our life is not always easy.
I’ve just been for a walk around the village I’ve lived in for over 30 years. Years ago a whole new development was added changing many of the footpaths. As I was walking today I found myself trying to take a defunct footpath. It hasn’t been there since my son was in a pushchair (he’s now 24!) yet my brain had that old pathway stored away and, because I wasn’t concentrating, led me up it!
And that’s what can happen to us with our new year resolutions. We want to make a change and all is well initially. But then we drop our focus for a moment, the work piles in, we get busy, or bored, or miserable and suddenly we’re back on an old pathway!
How Do YOU keep on Track?
What would work for you to keep you on track? It’s worth spending a little time anticipating that inevitable drop in enthusiasm and doing what you can now to keep your self focussed on success.
For example, if you use a paper diary, write an encouraging note to yourself for a month’s time. Or a pop up message on your mobile phone, or electronic diary. Or negotiate with a friend to help you; give them permission to remind you of your resolve! Perhaps you need to plan in a reward for yourself at an appropriate stage in proceedings? Or even take some professional advice and support?
You know best what works for you, so try and plan that in to give yourself the best chance of success and achieving your resolutions for 2011! And if you haven’t done so already, you could sign up now for my newsletter, which is packed full of inspiration and helpful tips to help you be fabulous in 2011!!
Stir Up Sunday!
In the UK today is ‘Stir Up Sunday’, when traditionally we all make our Christmas puddings; everyone in the family has a stir of the mixture and makes a wish.
All the good things like eggs, butter, spices, flour and fruit are mixed together, steamed for three hours and then put aside to mature.
When the pudding is served on Christmas day, usually flaming with brandy, everyone oohs and ahhs and often everyone around the table has had a hand in the making of it, even if just with a stir!
Have Your Own Stir Up Sunday!
You may not be making your own pudding today, but you could be thinking about what you could do to cause a stir in a few months time…?
You could be making a wish and then assembling your own special ingredients to make it come true…?
You could spend a little time stirring up your own life so 2011 kicks off with a loud ooh and a ahh!
Women, Start Your Own Business? Why not!
There has been something of a theme emerging lately with many of my coaching clients, and discussions with course participants over the last few months. Many of them want to change the way they work, to be more in control of how and when they are working, and many of them are looking for alternative sources of income as they fear redundancy is a possibility.They want to run their own business.
A little questioning reveals that a lack of confidence is hampering their efforts to explore this option and take the first step.
Fear of Failure
They are not unusual. Studies have shown that a third of the female population would start a business if it wasn’t for fear of failure. And that 21% of women start their own business so they can control the hours they work, compared with just 2% of men.
Predictions about job losses during the economic downturn are suggesting that women will suffer disproportionately more than their male counterparts. So it shouldn’t be surprising to see an increase in small start ups coming from women.
Are You a Potential Businesswoman?
Running your own business is not for everyone. However, even if you are making a few extra pounds from selling cup cakes for weddings you are running your own business! Here are a few questions to consider which will help you think about your personality and whether running your own business could suit you:
- What is your attitude towards risk?
- Can you work alone?
- Do you have an idea that really fills you with excitement? If you’re not enthusiastic who else will be?
- How much money do you need to earn during your start up phase? Have you at least 3 months worth of income salted away?
- How good are you at asking for advice?
- How good are you at taking advice?
- How do you cope with uncertainty?
- How much in control do you need to be?
- How much time can you put into a new venture? Starting a new business successfully invariably means putting in lost of extra time, even if you are only officially working on a part time basis. It’ll be in your head all the time, especially in the early stages.
- How much support do you need? I don’t necessarily mean professionally (although of course that is important) but how much support do YOU need from friends, family etc. Can you continue to be enthusiastic in the teeth of scepticism from others? Others around you may not understand your desire for change and may, albeit subconsciously, try to deter you and point out the pitfalls. Are you strong enough?
- Who will be your main supporter?
- How do you deal with setbacks? In your experience to date, when things have gone wrong, how have you reacted?
- What’s your attitude towards making mistakes?
- Are you a doer or a reflector?
- If you think about NOT doing this, how do you feel?
If you’re not sure of your answers to these questions, (and even if you are), try asking those who know you well what they think. I’m not suggesting that you ask them about business advice, I’ve always taken that from professionals. Instead, ask them to tell you how they think you answered the questions, and then ask them to tell you what they really think. And just listen. Don’t let negative responses put you off, but do take it into account when making your decision!
How to Cure a Mid Life Crisis!
Like most mothers, when my children finally left home I had a moment. Well, if I’m honest, quite a few moments really. When my daughter left home to move 460 miles away I felt like a bereavement was imminent. I remember our postman of 20 plus years coming to the door with a parcel and asking what was wrong ( I had a wee torn face on) and telling him that our oldest child was moving out that day.
“Oh no“, he said,” I remember her first day at school, I’ll miss her“.
That was it, the dam burst. Cue floods of tears all over poor postie who swiftly backed away down the path, making soothing noises! I wasn’t much better when we left our son at Leeds University. I was fine just until the moment of parting when I announced that now I was going to cry, and promptly did. Job done, what now?
Change Happens
But it doesn’t have to be children leaving that prompts an attack of middle aged angst. Changes at work, relationships altering, the ageing process, can all make us stop and think, well, is this it?
Change happens all the time but there are times when it affects us more than others, when we need to take stock and do a mini audit. There is a myth abroad that the older we get the more difficult we find change. In my experience this is not true. Anyone over 40 today has experienced and survived enormous changes in their lifetime (see this article for more on change).
But if you let yourself be a victim of events you’ll have no control at all; your life will ‘happen’ without you conducting it. A significant life change is a good time to sit down and take stock.
Stock Taking
Try answering these life stock taking questions:
Look at your life in these areas – family, work & career, social life, health and sense of well being. As you mentally filtered those areas through your mind which bit caused you a stirring. At which point did you think I’m not staying with that thought? My guess is that’s the one you need to pay attention to, however uncomfortable it feels.
If, for example, you are unhappy in your relationship, you may have become adept at hiding it, even from yourself. Fear of what you might discover if you really looked at it may be holding you back and keeping you trapped in an unhappy place. That fear is making an assumption that what will follow will be worse that is, but that’s down to you. Working on your relationship may improve it and all of your life!
Work
Or maybe you are stuck in a job that pays all the bills but sucks the life out of you? How long are you going to stay with the daily dehydration? What impact is that having on your life and well being? Can you see yourself NOT doing this job? How different would your life be? Sometimes redundancy has been the best thing to happen to folk as it has forced them to think again about the work they do. How many of the bills that the job pays are important in the long term?
Small Steps
Conducting an exercise such as this may fill you with awe at the amount you want to change in your life. (Or you may just have realised that all is much better than you thought – well done).
If the former, break down what you want to do in smaller goals, the achievement of which will take you closer to where you want to be! Don’t give up on your dreams, never do that, but dreams are realised with a first small step. What small step can you take today?
