What’s Your Work/Home Balance?
A few weeks ago I was at a conference hosted by Pepsico, listening to one of their top women executives talking about the company’s philosophy on work life balance. I found it interesting.
For example, they don’t talk about work-life balance as work is part of life. Instead they refer to work/home balance, a much better description sending a subtle message.
Pepsico believes that workers contribute more at work when they are able to bring their whole selves to work. In the last few years they have introduced some very home friendly working practices which has had a huge impact on all staff, but particularly on women in their organisation.
Coaching Question
And one question they asked all employees at their annual appraisal is one I am sharing with you now as it’s such s good one. (Slightly paraphrased)
If you could set one goal in relation to your work/home balance what would it be, and what do you need from your employers to achieve it? Be clear and specific, and then be assertive and ask for it!
How do you manage your work/home balance?
The No Quiz!
How many times do say yes when you want to say no?
How many of these thoughts which stop you saying no assertively, do you hold in your head?
- If I say no, they’ll never help me when I need it.
- If I say no, they won’t like me.
- If people don’t like me I’ll feel worthless and get fewer opportunities.
- My needs are not as important as theirs. They must take priority. I can’t say no.
- I mustn’t be rude or unhelpful (particularly if to a senior manager or older person).
- How dare they ask me that (prompts an aggressive response).
- These people are taking me for granted-I’ll show them. (Aggressive again).
If you ticked just one of these, take a look at my article on How to Say No. And if you have some tips to share on being more assertive, or found something that works well for you, please do share them with us!
Decide Not to Decide!
I was coaching a woman recently who was struggling with a difficult decision, hampered by her feelings that she ‘ought‘ to be being more assertive.
“You know”, I said “it is perfectly possible to be assertive and not make a decision. Simply decide you’re not making a decision right now!”
Sometimes we get so caught up in looking at all the pros and cons that we can’t see anything with clarity. While coaching obviously helps provide that focus, sometimes the confusion is there for a good reason; it may just be the wrong time for you to make this decision. So, unless you have a particularly tight deadline, assert your right not make one!
P.S. If you’d like to discuss what coaching might do you for you, call 01761438749 or email me.
How to Start ‘Awkward’ Conversations
I was recently asked for some advice on the thorny topic of starting awkward conversations. (I wasn’t asked about finishing them - that’ll be another post!)
An awkward conversation might be one where you need to be critical of the other person, as in they are continually late for work and expecting you to cover for them. Or maybe you need to raise a topic that is potentially embarrassing, for example, working alongside someone with unpleasant body odour, or who is behaving in an inapproriate manner to you.
Non Direct Route
You may have tried out all the subtle and not so subtle methods.
‘Phew, what IS that smell?‘ said to no one in particular being one of the not so subtle variety, or raving loudly in the office about this amazing new shower gell you have found!
Similarly, someone who is perhaps invading your personal space, standing too close, or making very slightly suggestive comments that leave you feeling uncomfortable, may not respond to your continually moving away, standing behind chairs, and resolutely not laughing at their innundoes!
When the non direct route fails it’s time to have an assertive conversation!
Be Assertive
Now is the time for honesty while still being very respectful of the other person. Being assertive is not about winning or scoring points: it’s about having self respect and respect for the other person. It is very respectful to treat them as adults and actually discuss with them what is bothering you, adult to adult. They might not like what you say, but done properly it need not be disrespectful and may lead to an enhanced relationship all round!
Start Here
First, you need to let them know you want to have a chat with them and this usually needs to be in private. Find somewhere where you can both be comfortable if at all possible so not a busy corridor but preferably an empty office. (NB But not when you’re being assertive with the person who is behaving innapropriately! Then you need to be able to speak without being overheard but still be visible to colleagues and friends. You don’t want to give a mixed message and add to any potential embarrassment).
When I’m working with groups on assertiveness I don’t usually give out any form of words because everyone is different; you have to be able to say it in your own words, or you’ll feel silly and sound insincere! But as this post is about starting those awkward conversations, I have included some phrases which may work for that awkward beginning:
Use their name when possible, make appropriate eye contact and remember your body language is saying far more than your words; if you look shifty and uncomfortable they will receive what you say in that mode. Aim for ‘concerned and professional’, not ‘embarrassed and tortured adolescent’.
Beginning with pleasantries about the weather may be helpful but more likely they will be a liitle anxious about what you have to say so don’t irritate them by going round the houses. Be pleasant and direct.
‘Could we have a word in private, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you’.
‘I have noticed that you’ve been late a lot recently. Is there a problem I can help with?’ (Bearing in mind that your help is not going to be continually covering up their lateness!)
The body odour one is difficult and you have to be prepared for them to take umbrage initially, but you could try:
‘Forgive me for being so personal, but it’s so out of character for you that I wanted to have a quiet word. Are you aware that you have been giving off a very strong odour of late? Are you unwell/on tablets/particularly worried by anything?‘ (Even as I write this I am cringing but I have actually done this! Spoken to someone I mean, not given off an odour- at least no one has told me…)
‘I appreciate that you have a friendly nature and other people are comfortable with your style but I feel uncomfortable when you (insert) and would prefer it if you (insert what you do want them to do).
Try not to let anxiety about what you have to say give you a bad case of the blurt, or sound angry or aggressive. Take a few deep calming breaths and mentally rehearse what you are going to say.
These are just a few tips to get you thinking. It’s also useful sometimes to consider why we find some things so difficult to say. This may be linked to our own feelings of confidence in ourselves and fear of the consequences. Remember, you have a right to respectfully express your views to another person- and they have the right to do the same!
More on this is available in the free download that comes when you subscribe to my newsletter.
Professional Relationship
Accepting Criticism Assertively
On Being Criticised
No one likes being criticised. Yet if we’re to continue to develop it’s important to hear what people don’t like as well as what they do. If we want to improve sometimes we have to hear it all. And in the world of work receiving criticism gracefully can be an essential skill in getting ahead.
Listen
Listening to criticism isn’t easy but try and stop yourself automatically rebutting whatever is being said. It may be unjust and wrong, but let the other person say what they need to say. This can demonstrate a level of self confidence and is acknowledging the other person’s rights in this situation, whoever they are. So, keep your lips firmly closed and listen to what they are saying.
Acknowledge
Having heard them out, make sure that you have understood before you respond. Paraphrase what you think they are saying. Ask them questions to confirm your understanding. If they are getting a bit heated and personal try not to rise to it, but calmly say:
‘I appreciate you are upset/angry/annoyed etc. However, please try and tell me what concerns you without getting abusive. What is it that I have done/not done that is causing the problem?’
Ask them to be specific, especially if they are resorting to wild generalisations.
They have a right to say what they feel but not at the expense of your rights. You have a right to be treated respectfully. It’s a two way process.
Pause
You don’t always have to respond immediately. If the criticism is of a piece of your work, such as a report, say you will look at it again in the light of what they have said and then respond. If they have been very personal, rather than respond while you are still smarting, you might say:
‘I’m feeling a little upset at the moment and will talk to you about this later’.
Try not to get into recriminations of the ‘Well, your report writing isn’t so hot either!’ variety. It won’t really help and won’t get you any further advanced.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
It can be helpful to you if you take a few moments to acknowledge how you feel. Is the criticism tapping into something else in your sub conscious? Maybe their words have awakened previous hurts, or are an echo of how significant people in your life have talked to you?
Be careful to respond as the adult as you are now, not the child you might have been when first given that criticism. For example, your boss says ‘I don’t like the conclusion of this report’ and you hear a teacher’s voice ‘ You’ll never amount to anything, stupid child!‘. Be as honest with yourself about your feelings as you can.
Are They Right?
This is probably the most difficult part of receiving criticism but, ask yourself, do they have a point? Are they correct? Was I too impatient with that colleague? Did I rush that last piece of work? Is it sub standard? If they do have a point, it’s a very adult and professional approach to take this on the chin and say, yes, they are right.
If they are not, then make clear that you do not dispute their right to make a critical comment, but you do not agree with what they have said because….and state your case.
It’s Not Always Good to Talk!
The Office Chatterbox
On a recent course I was asked by a participant, ‘How can you politely get away from people at work who keep talking at you?’ There was much laughter as each one of us immediately brought to mind people we knew who button hole us and whom we can’t seem to get away from!
It is a serious point though. Most of the time at work we want to maintain an ongoing, amicable and professional relationship with work colleagues. We don’t want to hurt their feelings and create a bad atmosphere.
A Couple of Tips
One tip is to get in first. As you see them bearing down on you say, ‘Hi, I’ve got five minutes before I must get on with …whatever.’ Then pay them really good attention for those 5 minutes and in 4 minutes glance at your watch. If they don’t take the hint you may have to bring your assertiveness skills into play.
Appearance Is Key
Use their name to get their attention: tell them it’s been good to have a break from your work but now you must get back to it. Remember that in terms of how messages are received the actual words you use are not that important. In fact they account for about 7% of the total. Your tone of voice is important too but a whopping 55% is all about your appearance and body language. So don’t act as if you are doing something wrong or behave too apologetically. It’s perfectly reasonable to get on with your work. You don’t want to be rude but neither do you want to feel that your time is not your own.
If you are sitting, stand. You may break eye contact as you look towards your desk. Direct eye contact is often seen as an invitation to speak. Slightly turn your body 
in the direction in which you want to go. Put your hand on your watch, subtly drawing attention to the time. Try only to look at it when you are speaking so it appears as if it’s your time to speak you are curtailing, not theirs.
If you really find it difficult to get away without hurting their feelings you may have to have a conversation with yourself about the value of your time, and maybe how much you value yourself. If you are in an open plan office you maybe could initiate a general discussion about how people indicate to others they are happy to be interrupted. And, more importantly, when they don’t want to be!
And eventually, if all else fails, you may just have to be fairly blunt and say you find it distracting and could they please stop!
