Put Away Childish Things

It’s funny how some things stay with us forever, isn’t it? When I was at school each term began and finished with St Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, from the King James Bible, which contains these words:

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.  For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.  And now abideth faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The religious aspect had little impact on me but the words and their meaning have always stayed with me. Little did I realise then how often they would resonate with my coaching many, many years later! U.S. President Obama also used them in his inaugural speech.

Impact of Stress

What I have learned through both experience and study since the 40 plus years since I first heard those words, is that when we are under stress of any sort, like a change imposed upon us, we sometimes resort to those childish things. We revert to comforting ways of behaving from our past, whether they are helpful to us or not.

So my coaching questions to you are:

What behaviours from your childhood are still helpful to you? (It might be a way of comforting yourself, your ability to make friends, how you learn new things and build your confidence)

What is it now helpful to jettison for once and for all? (It might be the equivalent of temper tantrums- anger you can’t always control, comfort eating, holding grudges, sulking)

What prism do you view the world through, your’ glass, darkly’?

And does love play a big enough part in your life?

Parent, Adult or Child?

Who are you today?

Is that your INNER CHILD responding? Or the CRITICAL PARENT? Or the mature, considered ADULT?

Transactional Analysis

The theory of Transactional Analysis (T.A.) (and it’s only a theory so only use it if it’s helpful to you) says that at any given time we are operating in one of our three ego states. These are Parent, Adult, and Child. All three are perfectly appropriate in the appropriate place!

PARENT

Parent can be critical or nurturing, either a little inner voice encouraging us or a nagging critical one, i.e. ‘You’ll never amount to anything!’

CHILD

Child can be free and happy, expecting and used to getting praise, or adapted, in that our inner child is fearful of making a mistake, and will always seek to please adult figures in their lives. Naughty child is the one that deliberatly pushes at the boundaries, for example, sitting at the back during meetings and passing notes to colleagues! If you’ve ever found yourself doing that you were probably in your Inner Child ego state! (At least in T.A. terms you were).

ADULT

Adult behaviours are mature and direct and deal with the here and now, looking at the situation in front of them and making an appropriate response.

Example

Here’s an example of how all three states can reveal themselves in a few minutes.
Imagine you are driving happily down the motorway. A car suddenly undertakes you and you are forced to tale evasive action to avoid a crash. You do so competently and immediately and avert a crisis. Adult.

Then your naughty child emerges and you think ‘I’ll show ‘em’ and you begin to increase your speed until you are driving a very dangerous few feet from the bumper of the offending car, flashing your lights and making obscene gestures (I guess most of us know what I’m talking about here!) Child.

Eventually you pull back and start muttering that the driver should not be on the road at all; people like them are all idiots and where are the police when you need them etc. You may even find yourself repeating phrases that your parents have actually used. Critical Parent

Whether you subscribe to the T.A. theory or not,  I think it’s useful model to grasp when you sometimes find yourself behaving less than professionally at work. Just ask yourself, “who’s the adult here?”

Click here for another article on T.A which featured in my regular newsletter.

Accepting Criticism Assertively

On Being Criticised

No one likes being criticised. Yet if we’re to continue to develop it’s important to hear what people don’t like as well as what they do. If we want to improve sometimes we have to hear it all. And in the world of work receiving criticism gracefully can be an essential skill in getting ahead.

Listen

Listening to criticism isn’t easy but try and stop yourself automatically rebutting whatever is being said. It may be unjust and wrong, but let the other person say what they need to say. This can demonstrate a level of self confidence and is acknowledging the other person’s rights in this situation, whoever they are. So, keep your lips firmly closed and listen to what they are saying.

Acknowledge

Having heard them out, make sure that you have understood before you respond. Paraphrase what you think they are saying. Ask them questions to confirm your understanding. If they are getting a bit heated and personal try not to rise to it, but calmly say:

 ‘I appreciate you are upset/angry/annoyed etc. However, please try and tell me what concerns you without getting abusive. What is it that I have done/not done that is causing the problem?’

Ask them to be specific, especially if they are resorting to wild generalisations.

They have a right to say what they feel but not at the expense of your rights. You have a right to be treated respectfully. It’s a two way process.

Pause

You don’t always have to respond immediately. If the criticism is of a piece of your work, such as a report, say you will look at it again in the light of what they have said and then respond. If they have been very personal, rather than respond while you are still smarting, you might say:

 ‘I’m feeling a little upset at the moment and will talk to you about this later’.

Try not to get into recriminations of the ‘Well, your report writing isn’t so hot either!’ variety. It won’t really help and won’t get you any further advanced.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

It can be helpful to you if you take a few moments to acknowledge how you feel. Is the criticism tapping into something else in your sub conscious? Maybe their words have awakened previous hurts, or are an echo of how significant people in your life have talked to you?

Be careful to respond as the adult as you are now, not the child you might have been when first given that criticism. For example, your boss says ‘I don’t like the conclusion of this report’ and you hear a teacher’s voice ‘ You’ll never amount to anything, stupid child!‘. Be as honest with yourself about your feelings as you can.

Are They Right?

This is probably the most difficult part of receiving criticism but, ask yourself, do they have a point? Are they correct? Was I too impatient with that colleague? Did I rush that last piece of work? Is it sub standard? If they do have a point, it’s a very adult and professional approach to take this on the chin and say, yes, they are right.

If they are not, then make clear that you do not dispute their right to make a critical comment, but you do not agree with what they have said because….and state your case.