Beware Candy Floss!

Candy Floss! A huge cloud of sticky nothingness made out of one small spoon of sugar. And the person in the picture can’t actually see where they are going because of that one spoonful of sugar!

The Candy Floss Syndrome

I was recently coaching someone who had what was to her a huge problem. Together we began to look at the problem in detail; it was genuinely causing my client concern and some pain.

As we went back to the roots of the issue it became apparent to both of us that this problem had grown out of all proportion. My client had not had an opportunity to reflect on what was going on for her and the size of her dilemma had grown- in direct proportion to the amount of time she had spent thinking about it!

She had over-thought it, (or spun it) without testing out any of her thoughts or hypotheses.

A Spoonful of Sugar

A small spoonful of sugar had been dropped in and it had spun and spun in her head until it had become something huge and insurmountable. Yet closer examination revealed that the candy floss syndrome (CFS) was at work. The concerns were not truly substantial (although they felt it at the time) and a quick bite into them soon deflated the cloud!

I don’t want to go too far with this analogy but it’s a useful idea to use sometimes. We all do it from time to time. We get a thought stuck in our head which gathers size at speed as we spin and spin it, and before we know it we have ourselves a huge sticky problem!

Take a few moments to bite into it, really look at the issue and then see if it is still as big! Consider it from all points of view. It may just turn out to be an acute case of candy floss syndrome!

What helps you keep a sense of perspective?

How to Tell Your Story (2)

A Coaching Exercise

In the previous post I described how we edit our own lives. Sometimes, without us being conscious of it we have given negative events a much bigger role in our past than they deserve; we have allowed them to become powerful influencers of our current lives.

Try This

This is an exercise I have used when coaching with all age groups, initially with young children who had been part of the care system, but I have found it’s just as helpful for adults.

Take a large sheet of paper and some pens. Start with your earliest memory and draw a box for every significant event in your life. Write the event in the box.

Your Memories

For example, I have a very vivid memory of my brother being born at home (well, it was January and a neighbour sent me to play in the garden – I was cold!) It was a significant life event because I stopped being an only child at age 4 and a half.

Other examples of significant events in my life include leaving home to go to University, my first plane trip to the US, my first experience of loss. The older you are the longer your list will be!

At this stage don’t worry about whether events are good or bad, just collect them. You may have several on the page and need more paper. Keep them in date order but wind about the page at will. It will take you some time.

Some years you may have several boxes of significance, and some will be relatively incident free.

After you’ve done this part of the exercise leave it for a while, hours or days; go off and do something else. When you return to it, look at it again with fresh eyes and check you’ve not left anything out.

Pause a While

Now you have your life in front of you, or specifically your memory of your life. These are some of the building blocks of your life (some you won’t have remembered.)

Using the data you have collected try writing down a few paragraphs about yourself for use in the following circumstances. In all cases you must focus only on the positives.

Three Scenarios

1) You are at a networking event and meet someone who you think could become a really good friend. They are bright and bubbly, and in the course of conversation they ask you to tell them about yourself, your life. You say…..

2) You have been for an interview for a senior post and are at the ‘trial by sherry’ stage. A senior member of the board says you seem to be really strong personality (which is what they are looking for). She asks you where your resolve to succeed came from. You say….

3) You meet an old friend you haven’t seen for over ten years. They ask you what you’ve been up to for last ten years. Remembering you are focussing only on positives, you say….

This exercise is not about  putting on a false face, a mask, but being conscious of the image you choose to present to the world. We all edit our past- just make sure your good bits haven’t ended up on the cutting room floor!

How to Tell Your Story

Have you ever thought about your life as a story?

You can tell your story in so many different ways. How you choose to tell it affects how you live your life.

Past Lives

All of us have had sad and difficult times in our lives. All of us have done things we wish we hadn’t. If we fill up our story with these episodes we feel hopeless, buffeted by life’s events, at the mercy of others. And that’s the face we show to the world.

Believing that bad things happen to us tends to become a self fulfilling prophesy. We fail to spot the good things in our lives and take the opportunities that arise.

Happy Endings

However, if you focus on the good that has happened in your life, the story looks very different, and can have a very different ending! It’s not simply a question of adding up the number on each side, because the value of each event is different. And unique to you.

In my next post I’ll give you an exercise to help you look at your story in a positive light. Meanwhile reflect on how you describe the story of your life so far! A sad soap or a feel good film!

Friday Feelings!

It’s the end of the working week (for most of us!). How has this week been for you?

Do you ever take a few moments to stop and review?

Try this exercise as you wind down for the week end.

Your Week

Think back over the week and the people you have encountered, either in person or through the media.

Who has inspired you?

Who has helped you?

Who has held you back?

And conversely, who have you helped, inspired or held back?

Do let us know who are the most helpful, inspirational people in your life!

Manage Yourself

It’s funny how themes seem to emerge when I’m coaching. Recently three different clients were experiencing very similar problems; a disinterested boss.

They weren’t being bullied, they loved their jobs, the pay was fine, the environment was fine. They simply had managers who took very little interest in what they did and in their development.

Survey

It’s not surprising it bothered them so much; a survey from Gallop revealed that having a manager who took an interest in, and regularly praised staff, was in the top ten factors for satisfaction with work.

My clients had partly solved their dilemma by investing in coaching (and one had persuaded her boss to pay, clever her!) but if that’s not an option what can you do?

Tips for Managing Yourself

You can’t rely on getting  a good manager but if you’ve had one in the past, it helps to be specific about what made them good. Your list of requirements may be very different from someone else so just be honest about what you need.

• Is it support to do your job?
• Is it an ear to act as a soundboard for ideas?
• Is it to be stretched, developed and challenged?
• Is it to signpost you to further training?
• Is it to connect with other areas of your company, be kept in the loop?
• Do you need some validation or praise for your role?

Once you have specified for yourself what you are missing, think widely about your network and see if you can get these elements elsewhere in the organisation.

For example, if several of you feel the same, you might be able to set up a lunch time support group. Or maybe a professional group when each person takes turns to present a case/example/issue for discussion? This is a very good way to develop everyone!

Co-Coaching

Maybe co-coaching is the way to go? Find another person with a similar interest to you in their career, not necessarily someone you really like, (but respecting them is essential.)

Agree the aims and boundaries of your co-coaching arrangement. You may choose, for example, to meet for 45 minutes in a lunch hour. One of you has fifteen minutes to share your issue when all attention is focussed on the speaker (no sharing of anecdotes or butting in with your own experiences). The listener can speak but only to clarify her understanding of the issues.

The remaining 30 minutes are dedicated to looking at strategies to help the speaker. At the end of the session you should have a mini action plan for strategies to try with a date by which they will be done. the next session you swap roles.

Listen and Prepare

I use this type of partnership working on my training and it’s amazing how successful it can be. The key is to really listen and for the speaker to prepare beforehand, be honest and listen to the suggestions offered in return.

If you’ve tried this I”d love to know if it worked for you. And if you’ve any tips to share, let’s hear them!

P.S. If you’d like to discuss your own coaching options, you can simply call me on 01761 438749, no obligation, or use this link

Three Questions for Helpful Thinking!

I’ve written before about the benefits of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, C.B.T., and positive thinking so here’s some practical suggestions!

At the core is the idea that our thoughts can block us from viewing life in a positive way, a way that’s helpful to us. Positive thinking helps us to identify those beliefs we hold which drag us down and distort our thinking (In my RenewYou course I call this our internal mail), and change them.

The first step in managing your unhelpful thinking is becoming aware of the negative thoughts. Jot them down each time they pop into your head:

“I can’t do that”, “I’m no good at that”, “I’ll fail this” etc.

Each time you find yourself falling into the old pattern try answering these three questions:

• What is my evidence for this?
• Is there any evidence that doesn’t support this belief? Be as honest and objective as you can; treat it as an academic exercise.
• How might someone else interpret this event? What’s an alternative way of explaining what’s happened?

What are your best tips for keeping in a positive frame of mind?