Decide Not to Decide!

I was coaching someone recently who was struggling with a difficult decision, hampered by her feelings that she ‘ought‘ to be being more assertive.

“You know”, I said “it is perfectly possible to be assertive and not make a decision. Simply decide you’re not making a decision right now!”

Sometimes we get so caught up in looking at all the pros and cons that we can’t see anything with clarity. While coaching obviously helps provide that focus, sometimes the confusion is there for a good reason; it may just be the wrong time for you to make this decision. So, unless you have a particularly tight deadline, assert your right not make one!

Why I Love MBTI!

I really LOVE the MBTI and I LOVE the effect it has when working with women (It works for men too; but I primarily work with women). M.B.T.I. stands for Myers Briggs Type Indicator and you can find more factual details about it via this link.

Why?

I tend to love it more for what it’s not. A lot of psychological profiling is very judgemental, the MBTI is not. It won’t fill you full of ’should’ and ‘oughts’ or worse give you as sense of inadequacy. It simply helps you understand yourself in greater depth.

When I was doing my post graduate training in social work we were often subjected to (I use the word advisedly) various psychological tests to determine our attitudes, suitability for the role etc. I rarely found these helpful or enlightening. Standard tools and questionnaires work on a right or wrong approach; there is a yardstick by which you are judged, a perfect way to be.

For example, consider assertiveness. If you take an assertiveness questionnaire (and I confess, I do sometimes use one when training to promote discussion and debate) it will assume that there is a degree of assertiveness that is desirable. That will probably be measured at 100% with any score coming at over 80% being good. It can’t take into account the fact that you are totally assertive at work but find it hard to tell your sister in law that you want to stay home next Christmas! And if you feel perfectly comfortable with your assertiveness levels but come in at 65% you may feel a bit of  a failure.

No Pass or Fail

You cannot pass or fail the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. There is no right or wrong, no 100% score to achieve, there is just you. You are always in control. It is one of the most respected profiling tools in the world and one with a very high retest probability. Which in laywomen’s terms means you have a high chance of getting the same answers however many times you take it! (The only exception to this is if it’s taken when young, while our personalities are still developing).

Team Work

Although the M.B.T.I is often used in groups and can be great for helping teams understand each other, I personally will only use it for the first time it in a one to one situation.  I trained at the original MBTI college in the U.S and part of my ethical contract with them is that results are always confidential to the individual. The individual must be given space and time to fully understand and agree with their type before being asked if they are happy to share.

Peer Pressure

In my experience it is not possible to do this in a group situation; the pressure of peers to join in (however subtle and unintentional) can be too great. That said, if all team members are genuinely happy to talk about their result, and genuinely happy with the type they have, it can be a phenomenal tool in promoting understanding!

If you’re interested in discovering more about yourself using the M.B.T.I. either as a one off session or part of a coaching package, please do give me a call on 01761 438749  or email me. I have a great special offer running throughout the Spring!

MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Myers-Briggs, the MBTI logo and Introduction to Type are registered trademarks of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust. Strong Interest Inventory, FIRO-B, SkillsOne, and Davies-Black are registered trademarks and CPI 260, CPI, California Psychological Inventory, the CPP logo, the FIRO-B logo and the CPI 260 logo are trademarks of CPP, Inc.

Love Yourself!

Do you? Love yourself that is? I don’t mean in the ‘I am wonderful, better than anyone else’ obnoxious kind of way, but do you value and respect yourself?

Sometimes events in our lives have caused us to feel unloveable and it’s hard to shake the negativity off. In fact, sometimes a good deal more than a metaphorical shake is required to rid ourselves of notions acquired by the experiences of life. (But hang onto the wisdom those same events have given you!) We are what we think. As we think so we act.

So, answer honestly, do you love yourself? Would you be friends with yourself? What are the loveable things about you? (There will be loads and if you’re having trouble answering that question take some time to think about it. If you’re still struggling consider asking for some outside help). Think differently about yourself and how you behave will be different.

Write down the reasons you are loveable and likeable.

This is not about achievements, although considering your achievements will help you determine some of your likeable and loveable qualities. It’s about your qualities: loyalty, kindness, honesty, humour, ethics, values, and so on.

When you love yourself it becomes easier to make positive changes in your life; you lose some of the fear around change. More importantly, you believe that you deserve some positive change! Powerful motivators for achieving your goals!

If you’ve found this post helpful, you, or a friend, may be interested in my next RenewYou course.

You Are Fabulous!

You are you know! I have worked with people of all ages, backgrounds, education, culture and class and I never cease to be amazed at how wonderful and resourceful people are.

But it’s true that we are often the last people to see our own strengths, skills and positive attributes. So I suggest you try this exercise now, and next time you feel down, take it out and look at it!

You might want to take a look at this change exercise first and use it as your resource for the following.

Three Things

I want you to think of three things that have been a great success for you. For example, three things for me might be:

1) Being the first female chair of the Medway Schools Council when I was 18.
2) Passing maths GCSE when I was 34 (I had been to two universities by then but maths passed me by until I decided I had to conquer the fear!)
3) Organising a successful party on our 25th wedding anniversary with 200 guests and a secret Elvis impersonator!

Your list will be different because it’s about you! You may well have got maths O level/GCSE easily so will be wondering why I include it here. I didn’t get it easily I tell you!

Never compare yourself when talking about your personal development; it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. This is about YOU and how fabulous you are!

Once you have your list I want you to think about all the positive aspects of you that helped you to that success. And I want you to write them down. And I want you to own them, as in just don’t put a list of random words but write, ‘I am great at organising’, ‘I am kind hearted’ etc.

Yes, you will feel daft because we don’t do this type of thing often, but this is private so don’t worry. And you will feel better and you will see that you are fabulous! And being fabulous once means that you can be fabulous again! And again! You are fabulous!

Happy in Your Work?

When did you last have a really good day at work?

When you came home and felt that was a day well spent?

When you were filled with a huge sense of achievement?

When you thought ‘job well done’ and other people acknowledged your efforts?

I hope you can remember this easily and it will have been recently. But if not, try and think back to what when it last happened and how you felt it about it.  Your thoughts on this subject will give you a big clue about where you should be looking for that next job.

Team Work?

If it included working as a team, maybe that’s when you perform best. Or maybe you were given a project to see through to completion making full use of all your completer/finisher and organisational skills? Perhaps you had to take a few risks and learn something new? Or maybe you were flying high working in an area that feels really comfortable to you?

It’s all really vital information in helping your longer term planning about positioning yourself where you want to be!

And if you’re still  feeling really stuck there are plenty of practical exercises in ‘When Work Isn’t Working’ which could really help move you on to finding the job that is a dream for you!

How to Start ‘Awkward’ Conversations

I was recently asked for some advice on the thorny topic of starting awkward conversations. (I wasn’t asked about finishing them - that’ll be another post!)

An awkward conversation might be one where you need to be critical of the other person, as in they are continually late for work and expecting you to cover for them. Or maybe you need to raise a topic that is potentially embarrassing, for example, working alongside someone with unpleasant body odour, or who is behaving in an inapproriate manner to you.

Non Direct Route

You may have tried out all the subtle and not so subtle methods.

‘Phew, what IS that smell?‘ said to no one in particular being one of the not so subtle variety, or raving loudly in the office about this amazing new shower gell you have found!

Similarly, someone who is perhaps invading your personal space, standing too close, or making very slightly suggestive comments that leave you feeling uncomfortable, may not respond to your continually moving away, standing behind chairs, and resolutely not laughing at their innundoes!

When the non direct route fails it’s time to have an assertive conversation!

Be Assertive

Now is the time for honesty while still being very respectful of the other person. Being assertive is not about winning or scoring points: it’s about having self respect and respect for the other person. It is very respectful to treat them as adults and actually discuss with them what is bothering you, adult to adult. They might not like what you say, but done properly it need not be disrespectful and may lead to an enhanced relationship all round!

Start Here

First, you need to let them know you want to have a chat with them and this usually needs to be in private. Find somewhere where you can both be comfortable if at all possible so not a busy corridor but preferably an empty office. (NB But not when you’re being assertive with the person who is behaving innapropriately! Then you need to be able to speak without being overheard but still be visible to colleagues and friends. You don’t want to give a mixed message and add to any potential embarrassment).

When I’m working with groups on assertiveness I don’t usually give out any form of words because everyone is different; you have to be able to say it in your own words, or you’ll feel silly and sound insincere! But as this post is about starting those awkward conversations, I have included some phrases which may work for that awkward beginning:

Use their name when possible, make appropriate eye contact and remember your body language is saying far more than your words; if you look shifty and uncomfortable they will receive what you say in that mode. Aim for ‘concerned and professional’, not ‘embarrassed and tortured adolescent’.

Beginning with pleasantries about the weather may be helpful but more likely they will be a liitle anxious about what you have to say so don’t irritate them by going round the houses. Be pleasant and direct.

‘Could we have a word in private, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you’.

‘I have noticed that you’ve been late a lot recently. Is there a problem I can help with?’ (Bearing in mind that your help is not going to be continually covering up their lateness!)

The body odour one is difficult and you have to be prepared for them to take umbrage initially, but you could try:

‘Forgive me for being so personal, but it’s so out of character for you that I wanted to have a quiet word. Are you aware that you have been giving off a very strong odour of late? Are you unwell/on tablets/particularly worried by anything?‘ (Even as I write this I am cringing but I have actually done this! Spoken to someone I mean, not given off an odour- at least no one has told me…)

‘I appreciate that you have a friendly nature and other people are comfortable with your style but I feel uncomfortable when you (insert) and would prefer it if you (insert what you do want them to do).

Try not to let anxiety about what you have to say give you a bad case of the blurt, or sound angry or aggressive. Take a few deep calming breaths and mentally rehearse what you are going to say.

These are just a few tips to get you thinking. It’s also useful sometimes to consider why we find some things so difficult to say. This may be linked to our own feelings of confidence in ourselves and fear of the consequences. Remember, you have a right to respectfully express your views to another person- and they have the right to do the same!

More on this is available in the free download that comes when you subscribe to my newsletter.

Professional Relationship