Friends Are So Good for You!

When times are hard remember who your friends are.  You know that an hour spent with a good friend can give you a real boost and there is plenty of scientific research to tell you why.

Happiness is Catching

Yes, it’s true, you can catch happiness from your friends. Isn’t that wonderful? Researchers at California University and Harvard measured the happiness of almost 5000 people over a period of 20 years. What they found was that when an individual was happy it spread through their network of friends, and then their friend’s friends! And what’s more the effect could last for up to one year!

Women’s Friendships

You will probably have heard of the flight/fight response, when our bodies respond to a stressful situation by releasing adrenalin, to help us either fight our way out or run like the clappers! Well, some women scientists have looked again at this original research which was carried out only on men. They have discovered that when under stress women release the hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin is the ‘love’ hormone. The hormone that helps women bond with their newborn babies, for example.

Turn to a Friend

When women are under stress they are actually helped by being with their friends. We like to talk things through. We’re not gossiping, we need to talk, we’re managing our stress. For years women’s talk has been downgraded as ‘gossip’. Now you know what to say next time that accusation is levelled at you!

Get Rich Quick!

In times of economic downturn we can psychologically feel poor, even if our actual material condition has not changed. (Obviously if your job is at threat, or you are not in receipt of a regular income then your concern is real.) But for many of us the economic gloom is causing a less tangible feeling of somehow being under threat. We need to take back control of our thoughts and realise that even if we don’t have a lot of money, we are rich in so many other things.

Whatever your circumstances, whether you are rich in money or not, there will be areas of your life where you are truly rich, where you have wealth in abundance. Get in touch with your ‘HAPPINESS BANK’.

The Happiness Bank

Your happiness bank will be unique to you but research has shown that remembering happy events can cause our serotin levels to rise and raise our feelings of well being. The problem is, that with the news full of gloomy events and predictions, we have to make much more of a conscious effort to stop our thoughts following a negative path, leaving us feeling low and disatisfied.

So have a quick look at the deposits in your bank, your memories. Scientists have shown that people begin to smile and their serotonin levels rise at even the thought of watching a funny film. So it is with memories. See if you can bring to mind a particularly warm and happy memory for you. Maybe a great evening with friends, a special relationship you had, a time in your life when you were really happy. It probably won’t have much to do with the amount of money in your pocket.

Really take yourself into the memory, the sounds, sights, and smells of it. Close your eyes if it helps. I hope it’s making you smile. Dip into that bank regularly; unlike your actual bank account you can’t use it all up!

Create Some Deposits

Although you can’t use it up, you can add to it. You can even create your own little book of positivity as many of my coaching clients have done, when you jot down all the nice things that happen to you during the course of your week. Like a smile from a child, a cup of coffee with a good friend, a great book someone loaned you… it’s up to you. To make deposits you need to be aware of the world around you but instead of focusing on the negative aspects look for the good.

An Example

A few months back I was travelling home from London to Bath, stuck on a slip road trying to join the motorway. I was getting fed up, tired and hungry and beginning to feel a bit sorry for myself as all around me drivers were getting impatient and aggressive. My eyes alighted on a derelict spot by the side of the road, and I noticed a beautiful display of wild poppies. Their cheery splash of red made me smile spontaneously and lifted my mood. They were a vision of absolute beauty: they made it into my little book of positivity. Every time I pass that spot (usually at a crawl) even when they are out of season, I remember the poppies and smile.

Try it for a day. Don’t let the gloom mongerers control your mood, you control it! And as ever, let me know how you get on.

Rose Tinted Spectacles?

Are You Wearing the Right Glasses?

A few weeks back I got two new pairs of glasses but didn’t get rid of my old specs. It was a particularly foggy winter morning as I did my usual morning rush out to the car and thrust my new driving specs onto my nose. Reversing out, I thought to myself, ” This fog is appalling – I’ll have to drive really carefully this morning.”

Then I noticed in my rear view mirror that I was actually wearing my new reading specs! The glasses I had on were great for short range but absolutely no good for looking further ahead.

I took them off and a whole new world opened up to me. It was still very misty but I could see a way forward. I was laughing at myself as I finally pulled away from the house. However, it did make me reflect on how sometimes we stick on our short range specs, often without realising it, when, if we were brave enough to take a new look, we might see the world in a very different way.

So, just think for a moment which specs do you need right now? Sometimes, especially at times of stress and great change we can get stuck in a short term thinking. We focus downwards and inwards on what we know well, or can see without too much effort. We keep our short range specs firmly planted on the end of our nose. Which is fine if all we need to see is immediately in front of us.

Look Ahead

But sometimes we need to take a much longer range view if we are to make the right decsions now. So spend few moments now, if you can, casting your mind ahead twelve months. What do you know about what may be happening? What can you reasonably guess about what may be happening? And what do you want to be happening? Put on your long range specs and enjoy a different perspective on life!

Don’t Get Angry – Get Energised!

Anger Equals Energy

Anger is one of our strongest emotions; as women we are often taught to suppress it but channelled anger can be a great force for good. For example, where would we be in the world if a group of women hadn’t got angry about not having the right to vote? Talking about it and letting off steam is OK some of the time, (and can be very therapeutic), but unless we actually do something nothing changes.

What Makes YOU Angry?

Just think for a moment about the last time that you got angry. What provoked it? Sometimes our anger is intensified because of our feelings of helplessness about what is happening; we feel we have no control. Try writing a list of all the things that make you angry. How many of them might you use as a source of energy, to get you motivated to do something that helps you, rather than drains you?

Get Control

One technique for managing your anger is to take back some control and direct the energy it gives you toward a positive goal. For example, if you are incensed by global warming join an organisation that is actively working towards doing something about it.

Or, maybe there are issues in your workplace that regularly have you metaphorically tearing your hair out. Have you considered what you can actually do about it? Perhaps there is a specific training need, like an assertiveness course, which will help. Or maybe you need to get some likeminded people together and assertively ask for a meeting to discuss solutions to the problem.

Whatever makes you angry, step one is recognising it, and then you can make a choice about how to deal with it!

How do you make anger work for you? When was the last time you got really angry? What did you do with that feeling? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

The Mayonnaise Jar – and the Coffee!

Is Your Jar Full?

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar – and the coffee.

A Professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.  He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”

The Professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

“Now,” said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house,your car.

The sand is everything else – the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first”, he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.  Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Play with your children.  Take time to look after your health. Take care of your partner.  There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the drains.  Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.The rest is just sand.”

When he had finished, there was a profound silence.  Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the coffee represented.

The Professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.  It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of coffee with friends.”

I don’t know where this little story originated but it always raises a smile. If you know the author do please let me know.

Music While You Work.

Turn on your radio and work better!

When I was a child I was often chastised for playing music while studying. My defence was always a plaintive ’It helps me work better’, and, I might have added, blocks out the noise of my two younger brothers!

It was with great pleasure that I later found out that there is scientific evidence to back up my claim of working better with music! (Although I am not sure if what I am about to tell you applies to the music of the 70s…..) However,  I now use music regularly in my seminars, usually the music of Mozart, and here’s why.

George Lozanov

The first clinical evidence of the effect of Mozart’s music on the human body was noted by Dr George Lozanov, a Bulgarian medical researcher. He wrote:

“that a very specific form of music can induce a relaxed state in the body- but, with one very major difference. The music induced relaxation and, at the same time, left the mind alert and able to concentrate.”

Natural Rhythms

Subsequent research has shown that the natural rhythms of the body – breathing, heartbeats, and brain waves – tended to synchronise themselves to the underlying beat of the music. The results were amazing! Heartbeats slowed by an average of 5 beats per minute, blood pressure decreased and beta waves in the brain decreased.

All Music?

A wide range of music was tested but Lozanov’s results showed that music with a very slow, stately, restful rhythm of 60 beats per minute was best for inducing a heightened state of alert, focussed relaxation.

Subsequent studies have supported this original research and demonstrated the profound effect of Mozart’s music on creativity, learning and relaxation. For example, one study at the University of California found that students who listened to Mozart’s music for 10 minutes prior to an exam did better than those who hadn’t! Although maybe listening to any music would have had this effect!

Relaxation

If you want to try  this out for yourself here are some suggestions, all written by Mozart:

Piano Concerto 27 in B flat major KV595, Larghetto
Concerto for Piano and Orchestra 21 in C major KV476, Andante
Divertimento 15 in B flat for two Horns and Strings KV287

Try it out and let me know if you experience the so called Mozart effect!