Articles covering Managing Stress
You Are Fabulous!
You are you know! I work with people of all ages, backgrounds, education, culture and class and I never cease to be amazed at how wonderful and resourceful people are.
But it’s true that we are often the last people to see our own strengths, skills and positive attributes. So I suggest you try this exercise now, and next time you feel down, take it out and look at it!
You might want to take a look at this change exercise first and use it as your resource for the following.
Three Things
I want you to think of three things that have been a great success for you. For example, three things for me might be:
1) Being the first female chair of the Medway Schools Council when I was 18.
2) Passing maths GCSE when I was 34 (I had been to two universities by then but maths passed me by until I decided I had to conquer the fear!)
3) Organising a successful party on our 25th wedding anniversary with 200 guests and a secret Elvis impersonator!
Your list will be different because it’s about you! You may well have got maths O level/GCSE easily so will be wondering why I include it here. I didn’t get it easily I tell you!
Never compare yourself when talking about your personal development; it really doesn’t matter what anyone else does. This is about YOU and how fabulous you are!
Once you have your list I want you to think about all the positive aspects of you that helped you to that success. And I want you to write them down. And I want you to own them, as in just don’t put a list of random words but write, ‘I am great at organising’, ‘I am kind hearted’ etc.
Yes, you will feel daft because we don’t do this type of thing often, but this is private so don’t worry. And you will feel better and you will see that you are fabulous! And being fabulous once means that you can be fabulous again! And again! You are fabulous!
Happy in Your Work?
When did you last have a really good day at work?
When you came home and felt that was a day well spent?
When you were filled with a huge sense of achievement?
When you thought ‘job well done’ and other people acknowledged your efforts?
I hope you can remember this easily and it will have been recently. But if not, try and think back to what when it last happened and how you felt it about it. Your thoughts on this subject will give you a big clue about where you should be looking for that next job.
Team Work?
If it included working as a team, maybe that’s when you perform best. Or maybe you were given a project to see through to completion making full use of all your completer/finisher and organisational skills? Perhaps you had to take a few risks and learn something new? Or maybe you were flying high working in an area that feels really comfortable to you?
It’s all really vital information in helping your longer term planning about positioning yourself where you want to be!
And if you’re still feeling really stuck there are plenty of practical exercises in ‘When Work Isn’t Working’ which could really help move you on to finding the job that is a dream for you!
How to Start ‘Awkward’ Conversations
I was recently asked for some advice on the thorny topic of starting awkward conversations. (I wasn’t asked about finishing them - that’ll be another post!)
An awkward conversation might be one where you need to be critical of the other person, as in they are continually late for work and expecting you to cover for them. Or maybe you need to raise a topic that is potentially embarrassing, for example, working alongside someone with unpleasant body odour, or who is behaving in an inapproriate manner to you.
Non Direct Route
You may have tried out all the subtle and not so subtle methods.
‘Phew, what IS that smell?‘ said to no one in particular being one of the not so subtle variety, or raving loudly in the office about this amazing new shower gell you have found!
Similarly, someone who is perhaps invading your personal space, standing too close, or making very slightly suggestive comments that leave you feeling uncomfortable, may not respond to your continually moving away, standing behind chairs, and resolutely not laughing at their innundoes!
When the non direct route fails it’s time to have an assertive conversation!
Be Assertive
Now is the time for honesty while still being very respectful of the other person. Being assertive is not about winning or scoring points: it’s about having self respect and respect for the other person. It is very respectful to treat them as adults and actually discuss with them what is bothering you, adult to adult. They might not like what you say, but done properly it need not be disrespectful and may lead to an enhanced relationship all round!
Start Here
First, you need to let them know you want to have a chat with them and this usually needs to be in private. Find somewhere where you can both be comfortable if at all possible so not a busy corridor but preferably an empty office. (NB But not when you’re being assertive with the person who is behaving innapropriately! Then you need to be able to speak without being overheard but still be visible to colleagues and friends. You don’t want to give a mixed message and add to any potential embarrassment).
When I’m working with groups on assertiveness I don’t usually give out any form of words because everyone is different; you have to be able to say it in your own words, or you’ll feel silly and sound insincere! But as this post is about starting those awkward conversations, I have included some phrases which may work for that awkward beginning:
Use their name when possible, make appropriate eye contact and remember your body language is saying far more than your words; if you look shifty and uncomfortable they will receive what you say in that mode. Aim for ‘concerned and professional’, not ‘embarrassed and tortured adolescent’.
Beginning with pleasantries about the weather may be helpful but more likely they will be a liitle anxious about what you have to say so don’t irritate them by going round the houses. Be pleasant and direct.
‘Could we have a word in private, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you’.
‘I have noticed that you’ve been late a lot recently. Is there a problem I can help with?’ (Bearing in mind that your help is not going to be continually covering up their lateness!)
The body odour one is difficult and you have to be prepared for them to take umbrage initially, but you could try:
‘Forgive me for being so personal, but it’s so out of character for you that I wanted to have a quiet word. Are you aware that you have been giving off a very strong odour of late? Are you unwell/on tablets/particularly worried by anything?‘ (Even as I write this I am cringing but I have actually done this! Spoken to someone I mean, not given off an odour- at least no one has told me…)
‘I appreciate that you have a friendly nature and other people are comfortable with your style but I feel uncomfortable when you (insert) and would prefer it if you (insert what you do want them to do).
Try not to let anxiety about what you have to say give you a bad case of the blurt, or sound angry or aggressive. Take a few deep calming breaths and mentally rehearse what you are going to say.
These are just a few tips to get you thinking. It’s also useful sometimes to consider why we find some things so difficult to say. This may be linked to our own feelings of confidence in ourselves and fear of the consequences. Remember, you have a right to respectfully express your views to another person- and they have the right to do the same!
More on this is available in the free download that comes when you subscribe to my newsletter.
Professional Relationship
My Thankful Day
I woke up this morning having gone to bed mulling over a problem. The problem hasn’t been resolved by magic, but I have woken up feeling enormously thankful for all that I have – and I don’t mean material things (although I do covet my wood-burning stove at the moment!)
And so I am having a thankful day, all by myself.
The challenge for me will be to convey my thanks without people thinking I am in need of extra care and attention, or sounding like a born again thanker!
Who are the people in your life that you would like to thank right now? Just do it: they will appreciate it and you will have added something worthwhile to today!
Do let me know who you feel thankful to…oh and thanks for reading this post! I appreciate it.
Stress – What is Causing It?
Once you have done your mini audit and identified that you are feeling stressed, as well as alleviating the symptoms of stress (more on that in a later post) you need to try and determine what is actually causing you to feel stressed.
It’s easier said than done but do take a few moments to recap the last few months. Can you pinpoint when the changes in your behaviour started? If you can’t ask your partner or close friend if they noticed anything.
It might be they tell you something you hadn’t spotted, like your alcohol consumption went up when the new boss started! Or that you became much harder to live with, so brace yourself if you want an honest answer.
Work & Stress
When I’m coaching work comes up as a frequent cause of stress but people don’t always know what it is about work that is stressing them. Try answering these questions:
- Have there been changes at work recently?
- Has your workload changed (up and down, too little work can be stressful)
- Have you had a change of manager or personnel?
- Is there an individual you find difficult to be with?
- Is the work you do at odds with your own personal value base?
- Do you find it difficult to delegate so take everything on yourself?
- Do you think you are the only person who will do it properly?
- Does your partner or family value the work you do?
- Do you want something else but don’t know what it is?
- Is your time management causing you stress?
Naming the beast is halfway to taming the beast! Once you know the causes you can start to manage your stress!
Stress – And How to Manage It
This is the first in a mini series of posts on how to cope with stress. I hope you find it helpful; please share your own stories and tips too!
Recognise Your Signs
What you find stressful may be the breath of life for someone else, and vice versa. You can’t compare. And some days things will cause you stress which wouldn’t on another day; it depends what else is happening in your life right now. All of us feel stressed from time to time and it needn’t be a problem unless we fail to recognise and take remedial action. Then it can cause us no end of problems and unhappiness and potentially long term ill health.
Here are some commonly agreed symptoms of how stress might show itself in you:
- Do you feel on verge of being angry a lot of the time, as if the anger might burst out unbidden? (Indeed, it may, often at the person least due it)
- When you wake up in the morning do you feel as tired as if you hadn’t slept? Is your sleep pattern different from normal?
- Do you feel tired most of the day, generally below par?
- Maybe you are getting a physical sign like a flare up of eczema (When I was doing social work with abused children I would often get patches of painful eczema in the centre of my palms – a sure sign I was under stress.)
- Are you suffering from more than your fair share of headaches?
- When you get in from work do you feel too tired and flat to do anything other than slump? (I mean regularly feel like this; we all experience this from time to time.)
- Has your appetite changed, either eating compulsively or having no appetite for food at all?
- Is your concentration less good than it was? Do you find yourself spending ages on one task and never really finishing it (again, a common occurrence from time to time for all of us! But if it’s happening regularly, it may be telling you something)
- Have your lost your sense of humour, your ability to make light of situations?
- Is your decision making faculty less good? Do you dither about the simplest of things?
We all experience all of the above from time to time but you will know if it is out of the ordinary for you. Stop and take stock from time, do a little stress inventory on yourself. Recognising the signs is the first step to tackling it.
In the next post I’ll be looking at some of the ways we can help manage our stress at work. Don’t forget to share any of your own ideas and suggestions!
