Christmas Baubles – Tip One

As the holiday season approaches pressure is mounting to go out all for perfection. In this post I’m talking about celebrating Christmas but it applies to any celebration, whatever your faith or culture. Magazines, colour supplements, adverts, make over shows, all are encouraging us women to provide the perfect Christmas experience.

Don’t fall for it.

Take a moment now to think about your best festive holiday times? My guess is that they won’t have been reliant on perfect table linen, professional floral arrangements, massively expensive gifts and an ‘advertisement perfect’ family.

Three Things for Christmas Perfection

List three things that make a festive holiday perfect for you; pick from emotions and feelings as well as material things. It’s very easy to get caught up in materialism and beating yourself up for not being the perfect hostess. If you take a little time now to really focus on what makes the season special for you and your family and friends, that’s where you can direct your energies for the next few weeks, and where you can see a real return in creating your idea of perfect Festive Time.

Forget the Matching Candles!

I love Christmas and I have done my fair share of wittering about matching candles, trying to do it all myself, and wanting a spotless house looking like something from Ideal Home. In the end none of that really matters. If people step across your threshold into a wall of tension and simmering discontent it doesn’t matter how perfect it all looks. No one will relax and enjoy themselves, least of all you.

Resolve now to make this festive period one which you enjoy and relax. Aim to create your three most important things as best you can and simply enjoy all the hustle and bustle, lights, music, crowds for what they are, and stop working towards some idealised version of the perfect Christmas!

Please do share your own tips for not only surviving but having fun too!

Banish Anxious Thoughts!

If you want to alter your mood from anxious to serene, try seeing whatever has made you feel out of sorts from a new perspective.

Relax for a few moments, allow your body to release tension, notice your breathing, and try whichever of these is appropriate for you:

• Feeling overwhelmed by problems? Just for a moment visualise your body encased in a beautiful soft bubble, protecting you and giving you a break from life’s cares. Really conjure up the image in your mind’s eye. Rest there for a moment gathering strength to go on with your day.
• Listen to how you are talking to yourself, your inner dialogue. Are you slow and monosyllabic? Or fast and manic? Whatever your inner voice is, consciously make it do the opposite for a while. Make sure your inner voice is talking kindly to you, not criticising.
• If you are angry with someone, or someone is angry with you and you can’t remedy the situation just yet, imagine their face looking benign, happy and smiling kindly. Conjure up the image of them in your head of you and them together and all being well.
• If someone scares you, or produces feelings of anxiety within you, imagine them feeling the same way. Everyone has moments of anxiety and feelings of inferiority from time to time. Visualise your difficult person having such a moment and in your mind extend compassion to them.

Thinking in pictures, visualising, is a very powerful way of giving yourself a mental boost. It won’t solve your problems but it will help you see them in a new light, and help you relax for a short while. And if you find it difficult, just remember a time when you felt really happy and conjure images of that in your brain. There are Three Coaching Questions here which will also help.

Thanksgiving Time!

Today is thanksgiving in US. I am not an American, (although my husband’s mother hailed from Boston so we have lots of family there and I’m an Americanophile) I love the idea of having a day to give thanks. I think we should grab every opportunity in life to celebrate the good stuff, because the bad stuff comes of its own accord.

I Am Thankful For…

So try out this short exercise. Just what are you thankful for, today, right now? My list could be very long but right at this moment I am thankful for:

• The fact that my family is healthy and well
• That my immediate family is loving, close and great fun
• That my brother’s widow has found a new man (Yeay to her!)
• That my husband just brought me a coffee and warms up my cold car before I go out in the morning (I know, I’m terribly  spoilt!)
• That I have some of the best most supportive friends in the world
• That I have a job I love and am happy to wake up to
• That I have two very daft cats who think they are humans…

Of course, my life is not all wonderful all of the time (and how dull would that be? Everyone needs some light & shade), but today I am not going to focus on what isn’t working but on what is. Today is a good day to be thankful!

And to all my American friends and family, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Please do share all the reasons you have to be thankful and let’s generate a real page of positive thoughts!

Reduce Stress – Be Polite!

At the risk of sounding like an old grouch, do you think rudeness is on the increase? By which I mean lack of the social niceties like saying thank you, allowing people to pass, holding the door open for the person following behind, smiling not snarling, offering a coffee to a colleague and so on.

Workplace Incivility

What are the politeness levels like where you work? A certain level of cut and thrust is inevitable from time to time, but workplaces where rudeness has become the norm can be very stressful places to be. You’ll find yourself adopting similar ways of behaving almost by osmosis. An aura of low level hostility is ever present. It benefits no one. And you will take that low level hostility and rudeness home with you in the guise of headaches, aches and lethargy.

Take Action

The good news is by becoming aware of it you can change your own responses and that may well change how people then react to you. You can start a civility movement!

Tips for your Civility Movement:

• Try to depersonalise the impolite comment or behaviour. Someone allowing a door to slam in your face may well have done that to anyone following them, it wasn’t actually aimed at you. So don’t take on board that bit of hostility but smile to yourself and leave it at the swinging door, (making sure you hold it open for the next person!)
• Being kind and civil to others might mean slowing you pace a little. If you are usually rushing somewhere your attention is focussed on the future, where you are heading, not where you actually are. You may be missing all sorts of opportunities to smile and interact with others. You may be being uncivil even without realising it. Try to notice your surroundings, to be more present, and make sure your default expression is a smile, or at the very least not  a grimace. Try and get a glimpse of ourself in any mirrors as you go about your business. Relax the jaw.
• Being civil means having an awareness of how other people might be affected by your actions. Bring your empathy skills into play and being polite and civil to others will be easy.
• Watch your language. I don’t just mean uttering oaths (although that too) but be aware of how you communicate with others. Sometimes it’s appropriate to ask, not simply tell or instruct. Replacing ‘You should do so and so‘ with ‘What do you think about  doing it this way..?‘ is so much more inclusive and civil.
• Banish sarcasm, however hysterical you think it is. Being sarcastic is actually quite aggressive behaviour and raises the stress levels of those who just don’t get it. Be clear and polite in your general communication.
• Acknowledge other people’s efforts; not by saying thank you so often that it becomes meaningless but by really noticing what they have done and making an appropriate comment.

Good manners cost nothing but can give huge benefits, for everyone! You can’t directly change the behaviour of those around you only your own. But that can be a huge and quietly powerful force for positive change. And back to my original question, do I think rudeness is on the increase? Only on days when I am feeling grumpy! When I’m happy and smiley somehow everyone else seems to be too! Thus proving my point….

What do you do when faced with uncivil behaviour?

Do You Give Too Much?

If you’re feeling a bit drained and tired lately maybe you’ve let life get a bit out of balance? Perhaps you’re giving out a lot but not taking enough back in?

Women especially tend to be the caregivers in our society, looking after everyone else and sometimes forgetting to look after themselves in the process. As a big family occasion draws near in the Western world it could be a good time to take stock.

Your Giving Audit

Try this simple exercise adapted from one of my women’s courses, to see how your in/out balance is looking at the moment.

Take two coloured pens and a sheet of A4 paper. Draw two large circles, one in each colour to fill your page, which have an overlap in the middle (memory tells me we might be doing a Venn diagram here!)

In one circle write the names of all those you give support to, people you help, people you have some responsibility for, at work and at home. In the other do it in reverse, that is all those who support you and give you help, advice and care.

In the overlapping part of your circles put the names of those who fit both categories, i.e those you support and who support you in return. As you move the names into the overlap of your circles, cross off their names in the main part of your circles.

Now take a look at what is left.

Only you know if the balance is right. It’s not a straightforward equation in that we give merely to receive in return; there are lots of times in life when we give freely without expecting any return. But, if you are not getting enough support yourself, your pot of giving can become dry and you will find yourself getting tired, stressed, and burnt out. You need to look after yourself too.

And one final question to honestly ask of yourself:

Do I make it easy for others to give me help and support?

Create Your Retreat, Just for You.

Your environment can influence how you feel so it makes sense to try and create one that works for you, not against you. I have written about using colour positively in the office and it’s as important, if not more so, at home in your private place.

Your little oasis of calm might be just a wee corner of your bedroom but try and fill it with things that raise your spirits. It doesn’t matter if others don’t like it, it’s what you find beautiful and relaxing.

Here’s a short guide to some of the theory associated with colour and mood:

• White is associated with purity, can be calming, and enhances available light
• Blue is called a calming colour, which helps you settle
• Yellow is invigorating and warming. It reminds you of the sun
• Green is soothing and harmonising
• Purple is energising and inspirational
• Orange can be welcoming and create a sense of warmth
• Red is hot and powerful, stimulates appetites
• Pink creates a softer effect and is playful

Take a look around your home. You may have chosen colours according to prevailing fashion but that may not have created the mood you want.

Remember also that although you can’t always block out noise, soft furnishings will muffle it and absorb more sound better than sharp, firm surfaces. Thick lined curtains will mute noise more than sharp blinds, for example, carpets better than wooden floors. And lack of fresh air can make you feel lethargic so throwing open the windows for a while can be really energising! Plants also help with oxygen levels.

Do you prefer solitude or company, quiet or music? What is your ideal prefect retreat space?