No 2. You Can Be Fabulous in 2011!

Making significant change in our life is not always easy.

I’ve just been for a walk around the village I’ve lived in for over 30 years. Years ago a whole new development was added changing many of the footpaths. As I was walking today I found myself trying to take a defunct footpath. It hasn’t been there since my son was in a pushchair (he’s now 24!) yet my brain had that old pathway stored away and, because I wasn’t concentrating, led me up it!

And that’s what can happen to us with our new year resolutions. We want to make a change and all is well initially. But then we drop our focus for a moment, the work piles in, we get busy, or bored, or miserable and suddenly we’re back on an old pathway!

How Do YOU keep on Track?

What would work for you to keep you on track? It’s worth spending a little time anticipating that inevitable drop in enthusiasm and doing what you can now to keep your self focussed on success.

For example, if you use a paper diary, write an encouraging note to yourself for a month’s time. Or a pop up message on your mobile phone, or electronic diary. Or negotiate with a friend to help you; give them permission to remind you of your resolve! Perhaps you need to plan in a reward for yourself at an appropriate stage in proceedings? Or even take some professional advice and support?

You know best what works for you, so try and plan that in to give yourself the best chance of success and achieving your resolutions for 2011! And if you haven’t done so already, you could sign up now for my newsletter, which is packed full of inspiration and helpful tips to help you be fabulous in 2011!!

Cooking and Coaching!

I have just been baking, one of my favourite activities. And while baking,  I was reminded of when I used to ‘teach’ cookery to lads in a youth club.

The lads were mainly from difficult or deprived backgrounds and regular truants. Violence was a feature of their daily lives. Hardly good prospects for cookery classes! Yet they loved it! And I never had any bother at all (although one boy did think it was really funny to hide in a cupboard and leap out brandishing a cook’s knife just as I was demonstrating how to separate eggs…)

Talking is Good

Teaching someone a new skill, or adding to their skill base, is a great place to talk things through and we had some amazing conversations over sieved flour! Nowadays I suppose it might be called coaching. For the boys it was general chat about life (with some discrete input from me) as we measured, stirred, cooked and created something together.

I took  A level Home Economics at school (does that still exist?) and loved the chat and discussion as much as the cooking. With hindsight probably too much!

And when I was a social worker, working with traumatized children, it was always good to do something practical with them. It’s always easier to talk about ‘difficult’ things when you don’t have to look directly at someone, when you’re engaged in a practical activity, particularly for youngsters.

And now, I still find cooking a good place to gather my thoughts; it’s almost meditative. (Well, until I day dream too much and the pan boils over!)  I often think I should maybe set up a cooking and coaching course!

When do you have some of your best thoughts?

Doing Nothing Can Be Good For You

“To Do Nothing Is Sometimes a Good Remedy” Hippocrates.

Despite the fact that the changing people web site is crammed full of information and ideas which usually involve doing something, today I’d like you to think about not doing anything!

How easy do you find it to do nothing? In my experience women often find it hard. I don’t just mean collapsing into an armchair with a steaming mug of tea and relaxing (although that’s a good ploy!) Rather I mean, actually not taking action, not rushing in to solve a problem, standing back and seeing if things resolve themselves without intervention.

Mothers and Children

If you have children you will know that sometimes you have to stand back and let them do their own thing, otherwise they don’t learn to stand on their own two feet (literally!). And you will know that it’s hard to stand back, especially when you care about someone. All our instincts are to rush in and rescue and sometimes that is exactly the right thing to do. But sometimes it isn’t.

Adults are no different. Sometimes we have to flounder around in the unknowing for a while to get to where we want to be. And we may have to do that without knowing where that end result is. Einstein spent hours upon hours staring out of the window doing nothing (well, he was thinking) but when he did do something it was great!

Do Nothing Today

Try it out today. If you are normally a person who rushes in to assist, try standing back a little (in an appropriate situation!).

And if you are someone who likes to plan her day to the max, always busy, try not doing that. Put a do nothing space in your diary. Experiment with allowing your day to unfold.

Try to leave a space of nothingness and see what happens.

Don’t Panic! Stop & Breathe!

Like many women at this time of year, I found myself yesterday morning feeling a sense of panic at all the things I hadn’t yet done and all the things I had to do for my work and all the sheets that needed washing and all the food shopping and all the presents not yet bought and cooking for the friends coming this evening and….

Stop!

Before I even realised what was happening the tension was creeping up my back and I literally couldn’t see the wood for the trees (or in my case the desk for paper!) So I took a bit of my own advice (I do from time to time, honestly) and stopped for a moment or two.  I stopped working, took a few deep breaths, and asked myself my favourite question when feeling overwhelmed:

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

And the answer to that was nothing particularly dreadful. There were some work things I had to do otherwise I would be letting people down, but apart from that… almost everything else was not truly urgent and the world wouldn’t stop spinning on its axis if I didn’t do them in the way I had planned.

Ask Yourself

If you’re feeling a little overwhelmed at this time of the year, try asking yourself the ‘What’s the worst’ question and answering it honestly and realistically. The answer to that will help you plan your day in a more constructive way and hopefully help you see things from a fresh perspective!

PS After doing this exercise yesterday I worked very hard all morning, and then went with a good friend to The American Museum in Bath to see how the early settlers celebrated Christmas. It wasn’t on my to do list, but it did me a power of good!

How do you manage your potential Festive Stress? Do share your tips!

Women, Have You Got a Good Friend?

Does having a good friend at work make you feel better about your job?

In a survey commissioned by Gallop of what makes a great workplace, having a best friend at work came in at number 10 in the top 12!

I have always smiled at this as this was a survey of 80,000 managers, and management can be very lonely. I don’t have a gender breakdown for it but I know when I’m running my women’s courses that women are happy to admit to this fact. For senior women it can be extremely isolating as often there are fewer women in similar positions and they can find themselves carrying the flag for all women’s issues in an organisation.

Fight/Flight

I think women in particular may value friendships at work because of our unique responses to stress. Although we also have the surge of adrenalin that prepares us to run away or stand and fight, we also have a third coping mechanism when feeling under stress. Women release oxytocin, the ‘love hormone’ which is released after childbirth to promote bonding.

Women Need Friends

It seems women may have an actual physiological need for friendship. As workplaces can be very stressful places is it any wonder that friendships score highly!

Try and take a few moments out of your busy day to consider the following:

• Do you have a best friend at work?
• How important are your friendships to you in managing the stresses and strains of life?
• Are you paying enough attention to your friendships?

And please do share your answers with us!

Why Can’t Women Show Emotion at Work?

A few weeks ago I was pleased to be listening to Sam Roddick speak at a women’s conference. She was brilliant. The nub of her speech was that she ran her business in her own way, regardless of disapproval from others or traditional business models. And if that meant she showed emotion when she was upset, that was fine. She was upset so she showed it.

“Men are allowed to get angry at work; that’s seen as acceptable. I get upset I cry. That’s not deemed acceptable. I say deal with it, or get therapy!”

She wasn’t talking about bursting into tears at inconsequential slights, not at all. She’s a very strong woman. She was talking about putting passion into what you do with your life and caring.

However, her way is not the accepted way of running a business. In the UK, business norms have been set by men. Male norms prevail and are rewarded, female behaviour is derided as ‘soft’ and not as effective.  Shows of emotion that aren’t anger are seen as a weakness. Many pioneer women in business had to behave like men and suppress their feminine side. Often this can penalise sensitive men as much as women. It’s bad enough for a woman to show her emotions; imagine what it’s like for a man in a macho world!

Diversity and Equality

We’ve moved on a lot and many new businesses have really good true equality policies which work in theory and practice (I’m thinking of Pepsico, for example, where difference is valued and equality doesn’t mean ‘allowing’ women to behave like men). The evidence is that where business values all its employees and has significant numbers of women in senior roles, the bottom line is better!

Yet I still find myself in coaching conversations with senior women struggling to survive in a macho culture which constantly undermines their contribution. Usually these women are working in long established business areas like banking, finance, and local government. Newer businesses, while not exempt, tend not to have a long history of  ‘We always do it this way; it’s worked up until now. Don’t rock the boat’

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Because she’s a woman! And women bring other equally valid and valuable qualities to the workplace. And a workplace which doesn’t acknowledge and nurture that is missing out an a huge valuable resource! Eventually those senior women will find places where all they bring to work is valued and respected, where they don’t have to struggle to fit a male model of desirable manager or executive.

Share Your Story

I would love to hear from you if you have had experience of this. I’d love to know if it’s not an issue in your workplace, and if it is. I’d love to know how you think we can combat it, who your best supporters were, who inspires you, and any advice you’d care to share! (You can remain anonymous if you wish, if speaking out feels too risky).