Relax – Just Breath

Try this as the long week end bank holiday approaches in the U.K.

Take yourself to a quiet spot.

Close your eyes.

Let out a much longer breath than useful.

Notice your breathing for a few moments.

Imagine now, as you take a new fresh breath in, that it is filling with you a beautiful energy. Make it coloured it if you want, your favourite colour.

And as you breathe out imagine all the cares of the week going with it.

Smile.

Have a great week end!

Make Time for You

Here’s a quick exercise to help you think about how effectively you use your time. It’s not about being busy all the time, filling every moment, but more about making time for you, and your development.

Take yourself to a quiet place with a notebook and pen. Just sit for few moments and reflect on what it is you feel you never have time to do. These are usually things that will bring you pleasure, but sometimes they are things you think you ‘ought’ to do.

Don’t over-think this exercise, just jot down whatever comes to mind; it’s for your eyes only. Ask yourself : “What Things Do I Never Have Time For?”

Now look at your list and ask yourself the following:

• Which of these are for me?
• Which of these do I think I should be doing for other people, or because everyone else seems to have done it (like read ‘War & Peace’!)
• When do I think I will do these things?
• What is stopping me doing them now?

Time for Boredom?

I love Lucy Mangan, a writer for the Guardian Newspaper. Click here for her amusing observations on boredom in today’s newspaper.

Reading her article prompted this post. Do you remember long days of school summer holidays when nothing much ever happened? Do you allow yourself periods of inactivity now and again, time when your imagination has nothing to do but run riot. No gadgets, no machines, no TV or radio? Or is your life usually filled with some activity?

Just for an hour, or even 30 minutes, try switching off this week end. Literally switching off – and see if you can recharge your battery by doing nothing at all. That’s green!

Stop Talking to Your Partner!

Well, not entirely… maybe that should read stop talking AT your partner!

Sometimes with coaching the client starts in one place and together we end up somewhere completely different. Thus, a session that begins with an overview of a work related problem can end up being much more about personal issues.

Communication Breakdown

And so it was with Coral*. Coral came to coaching for help with issues communicating at work; as we worked together we discovered that many of her fears stemmed from a break down in communication with her partner. This had resulted in a loss of confidence in other areas of her life which was affecting how she related to her colleagues.

Root Cause

With her permission, we headed back to the main cause of her loss of confidence. Communication between her and her partner had degenerated into a series of instructions for household management, along with a plethora of repetitive, inconsequential, circular arguments.

A minor issue would develop into something larger with neither listening to the other. Instead, each would launch into their own well rehearsed argument. During our sessions, Coral realised that she didn’t actually listen to her partner as she was sure she knew what he was going to say. So, instead of giving her partner any attention she was busy using his talking time composing her next riposte. She heard him talking but she wasn’t connecting to what he was saying. Their was no communication, more a series of ‘positions’ offered with each interrupting and cutting across the other. And she was equally convinced that he ‘never’ listened to her.

The Plan

Together we worked on a strategy for breaking this cycle. She couldn’t change her partner’s behaviour (at least not directly) but she could change her own.

First, she had to overcome her feelings of resentment (childlike ego state) and move to a more adult perspective of her partnership. Coral began to realise that attributing her feelings to her partner was counter productive; he didn’t MAKE her feel anything. She felt the way she did because of all the myriad things that had made her the unique person she was. Her feelings were her own responsibility and she could exercise some control over how she felt. This freed her up to make the first move as she moved from a combative mindset to one focussed on improving her relationship.

And her first task was to listen, really listen to what he was saying. To listen without judging, without feelings of resentment, without feeling a need to justify. It’s easier said than done (or actually not said!) but with the support of coaching she persevered. Instead of coming back at him with her own snappy retorts, she paid him attention. She was respectful and acknowledged his views, without necessarily agreeing with him.

Cease Fire

As her partner realised he was being listened to, his behaviour began to change too. Gradually they began to talk as adults, each taking responsibility, about the future of their relationship.

Happy Ever After…?

Of course, it wasn’t just happy ever after immediately, this is a true story, not a fairy tale! But it did break the cycle and it did give Coral a feeling of being in control of her life. And that percolated through to her working life. Taking some control of issues at home allowed her to see work issues with a fresh eye and she applied some of the listening techniques to her professional life, with good results. And feeling better about work helped her at home…a virtuous circle.

Coaching

If you have an issue you think our working together could help, give me a call on 01761 438749 or email me if you prefer.

*Of course, Coral is not her real name, and several details have been changed to maintain client confidentiality

Life Changing Moments

I have a great job! I cannot adequately describe the pure pleasure it gives me to receive a card or email from someone telling me that something I have done, either on a course, when coaching, or written in the newsletter, has changed their life for the better. What a privilege to be able do that for a living!

Life Changing

Recently I had a life changing experience of my own. I’ll spare you the details but suffice it to say my doctor thought I might have a life threatening illness and sent me on a succession of emergency tests. To my relief it turns out that I do not have a life threatening illness but something manageable.

I had discussed this with a good friend who said, ‘whatever the outcome, this will change your life’. And he’s right. Facing the prospect, however slight, that your life might not be going according to your plan is a salutory experience, a life changing experience.

Life Changes Can be Fun!

But life changing experiences are not always so serious! Often it’s moments of pure joy that change our lives, like births, falling in love, or even attending a course that gives you a new insight and direction in life!

What have been your life changing moments? What events in your life have caused you to re-evaluate and make positive changes in your life? Was it a person, or an event? My Inspirational Women series has many examples of women who have made positive changes in their lives; here are two of them:

Natascha Barrymore was so touched by the devastation of the Asian Tsunami that she gave up her old life totally. Her story is here.

And Susan Denmark was inspired by illness to take herself off to the Northern lights!

Please do share your own life changing moments; I’d love to hear from you - your story will inspire others!

Are You Good Enough?

Sometimes good enough is good enough.

If you find yourself unable to ever settle for less than perfection there’s a strong likelihood that you spend much of your life feeling very pressurised and stressed. Perfection in all areas at all times is rarely a realistic aim.

That doesn’t mean one shouldn’t strive for it, but if you are constantly unhappy with your less than perfect attempts you will never do anything: it can stultify you, and stop you from experimenting and trying new things. Being a perfectionist can stop you learning and growing and hold back your personal development. If ‘Be Perfect’ is one of your drivers, try ‘Good Enough’ for a day!

Sometimes good enough is good enough!

What do you think?