Your 10 Minute Confidence Boost

One of the best ways to gain confidence is to try things out. The first time you try anything can be nerve wracking but the more often you do it, the more confident you get.

Which is fine when you have the time to develop and grow in confidence in this way. But what about when you have to get it right first time? Most of us, when lacking in confidence, tend to imagine the worst. We see ourselves getting it wrong in all manner of ways:

• tripping up as we sashay into the room
• throwing a glass of water over our interviewer
• burping as we lean in for THE kiss
• forgetting our speech
• accidentally tucking the back of our skirt into our knickers…you can add your own worst case scenario!

Be Confident!

Here’s a tip I share with my coaching clients. Sit down somewhere quiet and close your eyes. Listen to the pattern of your breathing, relax, and think through the situation where you want a confidence boost.

Banish all thoughts of disaster; instead mentally run through the scene in your head making yourself the star. You are absolutely brilliant. You don’t put a foot wrong, you are word perfect, immaculately groomed, and your knickers are well out of sight! The more detail that you can add the better the effect.  Focus only on it being a really good experience.

Do this on two or three occasions before the event itself. And when you need that quick confidence boost momentarily close your eyes, remember your visualising, and be wonderful!

What confidence building techniques have worked for you?

Can You See Your Future?

One of the most frequent dilemmas presented to me when coaching is

” I don’t like where I am but I don’t know where I want to be“.

Knowing where you want to be does not mean you’ll automatically get there, but it does help you make the right choices on the route!

It’s difficult sometimes; we all have a natural tendency to focus on what we don’t want, or don’t like. It’s much harder to be clear about we actually want.

So I have something to help you! If you click on the free audio download to your right you will hear me reading my specially written visualisation. It’s specifically designed to help you work out just where it is you want to be by tapping into your creative subconscious.

I wrote it as a companion to my book, but it works well alone too. You can, if you wish, download it to listen to at your leisure. Somewhere without distraction is best, where you can lie down, relax, and devote some time to what you really want from life!

Enjoy it!

What’s Stopping You?

“Our lives can change with every breath we take. That is why we have to let go of what has been done.”
Author Unknown

One reason we can find change difficult, even when we really want the result making the change will bring, is because changing to something new means losing something. Change and loss, as well as change and gain are inextricably linked.

If we haven’t worked out what we’re afraid of losing, we’ll find reasons not to make the change. And we usually do this subconsciously, so our inability to make positive changes puzzles us…

If you have struggled to change your life for the better it’s worth taking considered time to ponder this question:

“What might you be afraid of losing?”

Women With The Lid Off!

I was listening to radio discussion recently when I just had to chortle out loud. The discussion was about convertible cars and it seems that they are most often bought and  driven by women over 50!

In the spirit of disclosure I had better own up to being a woman over 50, who was driving her red convertible car while listening to the radio! However, I obviously buck the trend as I was 49 and a quarter when I bought mine…..

I listened to the discussion with obvious interest. It wasn’t a deep discussion and had a light hearted touch, but one comment struck me. Asked why she had a convertible, one woman replied that buying it was symbolic of her having reached an age when she could do things just for herself.

And I very much identified with that. Like all the women on the panel, I had never bothered much about cars at all; they were utilitarian objects chosen because of their price, carrying capacity and ability to fit child seats in easily! And suddenly, it seemed, I found myself with a daughter who has her own car, a son away at University, and my husband who drove (still does) a wreck of an estate into which anything will fit! For the first time in my life I had no restrictions at all. I could afford the car I wanted and the insurance!

So maybe buying my car was a little act of middle aged defiance? Maybe, I was saying this is me, roof off, hair going crazy, independent me!

What has been your best or most enjoyable ‘act of defiance’?

PS Car in picture is NOT mine. Mine has a button to open the roof!

Naked? How Do You Feel About That?

One of my favourite quotes is this one from Eleanor Rooselevelt:

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your own consent’.

Manage Your Feelings

In fact, no one can MAKE you feel anything, good or bad! We feel the way we do because of the unique people we are and we do have some choice over our feelings.

So back to naked…. This is a wee story I use to illustrate the point when working with groups.

A naked person of the gender you find most attractive runs into the room, right now. He/she runs around the room, shaking their booty at all of us assembled, and then they run out of the room (you have to imagine my graphic representation of this, but fully clothed!), slamming the door shut.

We all sit there in stunned silence, until someone laughs, then someone tuts, and quietly someone cries. We have all experienced the same event at the same time in the same place, yet for however many of us are sat in that room there will be an equal number of reactions and FEELINGS to the event.

Because of who we are and the experiences we have had in life to date, we all feel differently about what has happened.

Criticism

So next time you have to assert yourself with someone or give feed back to someone, remember the story. ‘They’ don’t make you feel anything. Something they DO causes YOU to have your own feelings about it. So own that fact. ‘When you do so and so, I FEEL….’ Not ‘YOU make me feel angry’.

If you’re specific about the actual behaviour you don’t rubbish the person as a whole; you then stand a good chance of getting the outcome you want and preserving the relationship. No one can argue with what you feel! And no one can MAKE you feel anything!

What Stops You Being Assertive?

I often work with groups of people who want to be more assertive. But I rarely deliver a straightforward assertiveness training course; my starting point is finding out why people think they can’t be assertive.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is not, as was so often taught in the 80s, an “I win, you lose” scenario. It’s about being able to say what you want to with honesty and directness, having self respect while still being respectful of the other person. You can agree to disagree without having to diminish the other person - that’s bullying.

These are some of the questions I ask:

• When do you feel most able to express yourself with honesty?
• What thoughts go through your head when you imagine saying what you want to someone? What are your feelings? Anger? Fear?
• Is there an old message going round in your head that holds you back, i.e ‘people in authority should not be challenged’ or ‘keep your head down, it only causes trouble’
• What do you think would happen if you did say what you wanted to?
• What might happen if you were able to speak honestly and respectfully? What would be different?

I generally find that most of us have areas of our lives where we find it more difficult to speak up honestly for ourselves. Similarly most of us have areas where we have no trouble at all. One person who is feisty and direct with her parents may find herself turning to jelly when the boss makes an unreasonable demand. Likewise, someone who is able to be clear about her wishes at work, is seen as confident and assured, may find herself jumping to her teenage children’s every whim because she can’t stand the fall out of an argument.

If you sometimes find yourself behaving less than assertively, try answering the questions above. When do you find it most difficult to behave assertively?