No 1 You Can Be Fabulous in 2011!

Welcome to the first in a series of tips for being fabulous in 2011! You are probably already more fabulous than you realise (check this out); but as the old year draws to a close I suspect you may end up berating yourself for all the things you didn’t do in 2010, or didn’t do as well as as you wanted.

Review Your Year – Positively!

When I’m running my personal development courses for women there is one thing all are universally good at – listing their faults and telling me what they can’t do! Faced with the question, “tell me what your strengths are” the room falls uncharacteristically quiet…

And so when you review your year, with the aim of setting yourself some goals and resolutions for 2011 try and resist the urge to focus on what didn’t work. Don’t waste your energies on negative stuff. Instead, take five minutes now to think about what DID work well for you in 2010 and plan to do more of that!

List all your successes in 2010, small, large, and medium! Think across all areas of your life: love, home, friendships, hobbies, education, personal development and career. And remember, it’s your definition of success that counts!

Only when you have done that can you begin to think about your new year resolutions for 2011!

There is a longer exercise to try here.

Doing Nothing Can Be Good For You

“To Do Nothing Is Sometimes a Good Remedy” Hippocrates.

Despite the fact that the changing people web site is crammed full of information and ideas which usually involve doing something, today I’d like you to think about not doing anything!

How easy do you find it to do nothing? In my experience women often find it hard. I don’t just mean collapsing into an armchair with a steaming mug of tea and relaxing (although that’s a good ploy!) Rather I mean, actually not taking action, not rushing in to solve a problem, standing back and seeing if things resolve themselves without intervention.

Mothers and Children

If you have children you will know that sometimes you have to stand back and let them do their own thing, otherwise they don’t learn to stand on their own two feet (literally!). And you will know that it’s hard to stand back, especially when you care about someone. All our instincts are to rush in and rescue and sometimes that is exactly the right thing to do. But sometimes it isn’t.

Adults are no different. Sometimes we have to flounder around in the unknowing for a while to get to where we want to be. And we may have to do that without knowing where that end result is. Einstein spent hours upon hours staring out of the window doing nothing (well, he was thinking) but when he did do something it was great!

Do Nothing Today

Try it out today. If you are normally a person who rushes in to assist, try standing back a little (in an appropriate situation!).

And if you are someone who likes to plan her day to the max, always busy, try not doing that. Put a do nothing space in your diary. Experiment with allowing your day to unfold.

Try to leave a space of nothingness and see what happens.

Make A Wish!

Close your eyes for a moment and just imagine. There you are, in your mind’s eye, rubbing away at an old lamp you’ve found at a boot fair, when out pops a genie and offers you a wish!

Two rules – it can be anything except large sums of money, and it has to improve the quality of your life without taking away from anyone else.

What do you wish for?

Do you really need a genie to make it happen? If you applied your energy, commitment and time to achieving this, could it be possible?

What would YOU wish for?

Why Can’t Women Show Emotion at Work?

A few weeks ago I was pleased to be listening to Sam Roddick speak at a women’s conference. She was brilliant. The nub of her speech was that she ran her business in her own way, regardless of disapproval from others or traditional business models. And if that meant she showed emotion when she was upset, that was fine. She was upset so she showed it.

“Men are allowed to get angry at work; that’s seen as acceptable. I get upset I cry. That’s not deemed acceptable. I say deal with it, or get therapy!”

She wasn’t talking about bursting into tears at inconsequential slights, not at all. She’s a very strong woman. She was talking about putting passion into what you do with your life and caring.

However, her way is not the accepted way of running a business. In the UK, business norms have been set by men. Male norms prevail and are rewarded, female behaviour is derided as ‘soft’ and not as effective.  Shows of emotion that aren’t anger are seen as a weakness. Many pioneer women in business had to behave like men and suppress their feminine side. Often this can penalise sensitive men as much as women. It’s bad enough for a woman to show her emotions; imagine what it’s like for a man in a macho world!

Diversity and Equality

We’ve moved on a lot and many new businesses have really good true equality policies which work in theory and practice (I’m thinking of Pepsico, for example, where difference is valued and equality doesn’t mean ‘allowing’ women to behave like men). The evidence is that where business values all its employees and has significant numbers of women in senior roles, the bottom line is better!

Yet I still find myself in coaching conversations with senior women struggling to survive in a macho culture which constantly undermines their contribution. Usually these women are working in long established business areas like banking, finance, and local government. Newer businesses, while not exempt, tend not to have a long history of  ‘We always do it this way; it’s worked up until now. Don’t rock the boat’

Why Can’t a Woman be More Like a Man?

Because she’s a woman! And women bring other equally valid and valuable qualities to the workplace. And a workplace which doesn’t acknowledge and nurture that is missing out an a huge valuable resource! Eventually those senior women will find places where all they bring to work is valued and respected, where they don’t have to struggle to fit a male model of desirable manager or executive.

Share Your Story

I would love to hear from you if you have had experience of this. I’d love to know if it’s not an issue in your workplace, and if it is. I’d love to know how you think we can combat it, who your best supporters were, who inspires you, and any advice you’d care to share! (You can remain anonymous if you wish, if speaking out feels too risky).

Age is No Bar – To Anything!

How does this sound to you – Age is no bar to anything.

If you’re thinking ” yes it is, I can’t be a ballet dancer now I’m past 45″, well, maybe you can’t be a professional dancer, but you can still dance or still enjoy dance! There are three women over 60 in the current series of Strictly Come Dancing and two of them are excellent! Women are confounding all the hackneyed stereotypes about older women.

I don’t think there’s ever been a better time to be an older woman in western society, (unless, allegedly, if you work for the BBC where femageism seems rife)

A Few Facts on Ageing

• A woman who is 65 today can expect to live, on average, to 85.

• A man who is 65 today can expect to live, on average, to 82

• With every decade our life expectancy increases by 2 years.

• By 2025 half the UK population will be over 50 and there will be fewer people under 18.

• Currently, there are more people in the UK over 60 than there are children.

We chronically advantaged women are in the ascendancy!

I have a photo of me, aged 6 months, sitting on my grandmother’s knee. I recently realised with a shock, that at the time that photo was taken my grandmother was exactly the same age as me. Yet what a huge difference in our experience of life, even down to how we look. She is wearing a traditional ‘old woman’s’ garb. I wear clothes borrowed from my daughter or given to me by her friends! (Don’t panic, I’m well covered up!)

Still Planning Ahead

At 55 I don’t feel like my life is nearly over; I feel it’s still opening up to me. I am having more fun professionally than I ever have in my life before and learning so many new things. And the more you learn new things, the better the brain adapts. Forget all that rubbish about brain fade, the evidence contradicts it. It really is all in your head!

When I’m coaching women, of whatever age, so often the limits and barriers they see are in their heads, not always in their reality. Thinking that you can’t do something generally means that you can’t. Instead try thinking that you can, which generally means that you can! You may just have to approach getting there by a slightly different route.

Here’s an exercise to try to boost your confidence:

Individually, imagine you are being interviewed by one of the Sunday supplements under a heading, ‘Lessons I have learned in my adult life’. Get as many things down as you can, silly or daft, serious, sad and funny.

For example, I have learned that even though you think your heart is broken it does mend. That if I mix drinking gin with red wine I’ll now get a hangover (although I didn’t at 18!) Or that it’s not worth getting annoyed about some work things because you’ll never change them. And job interviews are a lottery sometimes. And that I love getting older and wiser!

Once you have at least 12 things written down I’d like you now to think more specifically about the skills you have acquired during your working life. Think back to that first job when maybe you were a bit wet behind the ears. Think soft skills as well as things like qualifications. Have you become more patient, or more assertive? Again, get at least 12 down.

Look down your list. Congratulate yourself on the things you have achieved, and make a list of things you’d still like to achieve. And now plan how to achieve them! Setting goals is not just for the young.

The important thing is never to stop dreaming, never stop planning ahead. Don’t let a mere number hold you back. Stay alive and kicking in your head and grab all the opportunities which come your way!

Which older women most inspire you?

Are YOU a Highly Sensitive Person?

Some people are much more sensitive than others – are you one of them? Are you an HSP?

When we feel vulnerable, lacking in confidence we all have a tendency to magnify our reactions and the reactions of others. If we’re feeling we’re not good enough at work, or we’re not attractive, for example, a chance remark from someone that seems to confirms those fears will have a huge impact on us.

Heightened Sensitivities

But there are some people for whom feeling a sense of heightened sensitivity is not an occasional occurrence. It colours their whole lives, which can severely limit their opportunities to live life to the full.

The American Psychologist, Dr Elaine Aron, has identified a distinct personality type called the HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON, (HSP). She has estimated that probably between 15 to 20% of the population fall into this category.

If you are an HSP you will process information and experiences more deeply; you’ll be more aware of the subtelties in life and in your surroundings. You might even find yourself getting overwhelmed if too much sensory information is around you.

Being HSP doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be introverted and it isn’t any more common in one gender than another. Dr Aron says it’s an all or nothing trait with a psychological basis- you either are or you’re not.

She has a test on her site which you can find here

If you score highly, all is not lost and this is a quality you can learn to value for the insight it brings. Just take a bit of time to reflect and use your gift of great empathy wisely and enjoy it.