Are You a Parent or a Manager?

If you manage staff do you do it on an adult to adult basis or do you find yourself lapsing into a parent type ego state? And if you are not in a management role, what type of manager do you have?

Transactional Analysis

When I’m working within organisations I often find it really helpful to use T.A. terms to help staff analyse what could be improved upon with their communication styles and working relationships.

One of the most common issues I come across is the parenting style of management. Generally speaking this is not a helpful position to hold and does not develop staff, either for their own good or to the benefit of the organisation.

Two Parenting Styles

There are two types of parent ego states in Transactional Analysis, the nurturing parent and the critical parent. While being on the receiving end of a nurturing type parent manager might be preferable to the critical I’d argue that neither are helpful or appropriate in a professional setting.

If you have a nurturing type manager they will be likely to speak to you in soothing calming tones. They may make you drinks often, pat you on the back, tell you not to worry and that they will go that potentially difficult meeting for you. Their kindness can stifle your potential, they do not allow you to make your own mistakes and develop.

On the other hand, a critical parent manager, will be forever finding fault with what you do, point their finger a lot, use phrases such as “You should do this..or “Pay attention here” They will rarely praise you for a job well done but seek to instruct you in ways you could have done it better.

A manager in adult ego state will treat you with respect, will use phrases such as “This might be useful to you” or “Have you seen this report?” In general their behaviour will be assertive.

Childlike Responses

The critical point about non adult styles of management is that staff are likely to respond from their learned childlike ego state. While this may occasionally be appropriate, usually it is not. Most organisations do not want a staff group frightened to make suggestions, use their initiative, or who are so disenchanted that they are subversive and ‘naughty’! And most people want to be treated as adults when working with opportunities to develop and grow.

Share Your Experiences of Managers

Do you recognise any of the above? I’d love to hear about your experiences of managers, if you noticed an effect on your behaviour, and how you responded to this.

If you’d like some support with your own management style, call me now on 01761 438749 or use the contact page to find out how I might help you or your organisation!

Eddie Izzard on Being Good, Very Good!

If you have watched the recent documentary on Eddie Izzard you will probably already be an admirer of his tenacity and drive. If you haven’t, I recommend that you do. It’s entertaining, inspirational, and very moving. Quite brilliant.

I was already a fan but listening to his story I was struck again by how high achievers in any field are never overnight successes. They work hard at their craft for their great moments and they know their stuff; they have served their apprenticeship.

And Eddie Izzard certainly knows his stuff. He knew what he wanted and he went for it. And when he went to break new ground in the US he went with humility. He didn’t expect to be an ‘overnight success’;  he applied the same strategy he’d used before. Start small, get a following, learn the US audience, work hard and believe in yourself.

There was one comment in particular that I wanted to share with you. Eddie had always wanted to act and was able to use his comedy platform to get into acting. Someone said to him (I’m paraphrasing as I was too riveted to take notes!):

“But why be an average actor when you are an outstanding comedian?”

And he replied:

“I was once an average comedian”.

Take a leaf from Eddie’s book.  Most of us can get to average; it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to be outstanding. Set your goal and go for it! Be outstanding! And if you need any inspiration, I thoroughly recommend a copy of Eddie’s DVD, Believe, The Eddie Izzard Story. It works for me!

Who inspires you to be outstanding?

Create 50 Ways to Change Your Life!

Sounds like a tall order I know, but you can do it and here’s how!

Find yourself a 30 minute slot (Yes, you can change your life in half an hour!). Take yourself away from everything electrical, no screens, lap tops, or phones, etc although do play music if you want as that can help the creative juices flow.

Taking a blank sheet or three of paper and a handful of coloured pens, answer this question ‘What would change my life for the better?’

You need to keep your answers short as you only have half an hour from now to get it all down! Put down everything that comes to you, mad, bad, good and seemingly unachievable.

At first it will be difficult and you’ll struggle but once you have released your inner creativity, after about 10-15 minutes, the ideas will flow thick and fast. Think about people you admire, careers you would like, places you’d like to be, people you’d like to be with, consider everything about your life.

Stop after 30 minutes. Go and get a drink, you’ve earned it. Once you’ve had a wee break, visit your list again. How many ideas did you generate? Don’t look at it and think ‘too much to ever do’, but instead look at it and think ‘My life is full of possibilities! I am amazing!’ Because you are! You are fabulous!

Mindfulness and Stress

Note to self – do more nothing! A resolution you just might keep…

The art (skill?) of meditation has been around for centuries; I was taught about it’s benefits during my professional training, and when I first worked in a pyschiatric hospitals over 27 years ago it was being used as something helpful with patients. I have also been lucky enough to work with several Buddhists and be taught some of the techniques by them to cope with a very stressful job. At one point we had a regular lunchtime meditation group going which was much more ‘nourishing’ than a trip to the hospital canteen!

Research and Mindfulness

One of the most recent studies on the correct use of mindfulness techniques and meditation has found that it reduces the recurrence of acute depression by up to 50%. That is pretty large claim but NICE (National Institute for Health & Clinical Evidence, a UK organisation which recommends treatments to the NHS) has advised GPs to ‘prescribe’ it and they don’t do that lightly. It can help with all sorts of things, like hypertension and chronic pain.

What is Mindfulness?

Jon Kabat-Zinn, is one of the founders of the mindfulness research movement. He defined mindfulness as:

“paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgementally”.

Other definitions include:

• an open and receptive attention to and awareness of what is occurring in the present moment

• an awareness that arises through intentionally attending in an open, accepting, and discerning way to whatever is arising in the present moment

• an attention that is receptive to the whole field of awareness and remains in an open state so that it can be directed to currently experienced sensations, thoughts, emotions, and memories

• stated simply, waking up from a life-on-automatic pilot

Do Nothing

Perhaps, at this point in the New Year rushing around filling your head with resolutions and a huge to do list is not the best thing you can be doing for yourself. Maybe you need to learn to do nothing. To simply just be for a while. There is an article here which will get you started on mindful mediation, but if you simply just sit up well, not slumped,  close your eyes and focus on your breathing, and notice what is going on in your head for 5 minutes, you will be making a beginning.

And like anything worth having, it requires practise. If you can find 10 minutes every day for a week to try it out you should see some benefits. Go, on, do nothing!

If you meditate regularly I’d love to know what benefits it brings you!

Will You Keep Your New Year Resolutions?

It’s a good game, isn’t it – making massive resolutions in January so you can have guilt pangs about not sticking with them all through February! We’re probably all triumphs of hope over experience when it comes to making New Year resolutions.

Richard Wiseman, a UK psychologist, undertook some research into new year resolutions; his team tracked over 3,000 people attempting to do a whole range of things, like losing weight, using the gym, quitting smoking or drinking less.

Men and Women ARE Different

Perhaps unsurprisingly to all of us who have not managed to keep our resolutions going past Valentine’s Day, they concluded that New Year’s Eve is not a great time for making resolutions, and that you have more chance of success if you plan ahead for the changes you want to make.

They also found some interesting gender differences in achieving success. For men, the secret of success lies in setting specific goals and focusing on the rewards you will get if you achieve them. For women, the best way to keep a resolution is to tell people about it. At the start of the project 52% of the participants were confident of success but Dr Wiseman found that only 12% actually kept to their new year resolutions…

Men

Men were 22% more likely to succeed when they set goals for themselves, such as losing a pound a week rather than losing weight in general. In addition, men tended to succeed when they focused on rewards, such as losing weight to become more attractive to the opposite sex. “Men may be more likely to adopt a macho attitude and have unrealistic expectations, and so simple goal setting helps them achieve more,” said Dr. Wiseman.

Women

Women were more successful at keeping their resolutions when they told family and friends about their plans. They also responded better to encouragement not to give up if they snuck back to old habits temporarily – such as treating a chocolate binge as simply one minor setback and not a total failure. Telling others increased women’s chance of keeping resolutions by 10%, although sometimes they were reluctant to do so, losing a valuable source of support. (See this article about the importance of  women’s friendships)

Most Likely to Succeed

The researchers found that the resolutions most likely to succeed were:
Enjoy life more, (32% of people stayed with it)
Improve your fitness (29%)
Lose weight (28%)
Be more organised (27%)
Quit or cut down drinking (25%)
Quit or cut down smoking (24%)

What’s your most frequently made resolution?

You can read more about this in The Luck Factor by Dr Richard Wiseman available from your local library, book shop, or via Amazon

Your Special Offer for January 2011! Be Fabulous All Year!

Dr Richard Wiseman has researched how likely we are to keep our New Year resolutions. Did you know that women can increase their chances of success by telling other people and gaining support and encouragement from them!

But he also found that women were often reluctant to ask for this help, cutting off this source of support. Which is understandable; we don’t always want to share our innermost thoughts and aspirations with people we see every day, it can feel too personal. Which is why working in total confidence with a professional can be so successful in helping you achieve your ambitions for 2011.

January Special Coaching Offer!

Throughout the first month of 2011 I am offering everyone who signs up for my  coaching session a really great deal! If you sign up for my introductory package during January, you will receive an extra session of one hour’s coaching absolutely free! At an agreed time after our first call, (when we will have discussed strategies for your maximum success) I will contact you to see how you are progressing, and to inspire and motivate you to continue!

Make this year the one when you do achieve your resolutions and live life to the full! Sign up now!