Self Help is Indulgent ClapTrap?

If a sign of a good radio programme is that it provokes you to action, then BBC’s Radio 4 Women’s Hour is very good as it has provoked this post!

The programme had a short debate recently between a life coach and an author. The discussion was around whether self help actually makes anyone any happier, given that the majority of self help book buyers are female, and yet the numbers of women with mental health problems are going up.

I found myself (to my own irritation) sat between the two. The coach made many valid points about the value of coaching in helping people to stop seeing themselves as victims, but weakened her authority (in my opinion) by over-advertising her own courses.

The nub of the argument from the author was that coaching is too self centred, too individualised and encourages people to think they can control anything, regardless of external factors. Her view was that this stopped them doing something to challenge the status quo, stopped them becoming active agents for change for the greater good (I am paraphrasing here). She likened it to reality TV which, she believed, encouraged everyone to think they could become a ‘star’ with very little work.

I am sympathetic to the idea that working on issues of one’s own can make us less aware of what is happening in the wilder world leaving us stuck into a ‘I deserve better‘ mentality. Very occasionally, when working in larger organisations, I see this attitude from staff. They are angry about what is happening but don’t always make the connections between what is happening in the world today and what is happening to them. Equally, I KNOW working one to one can be highly effective in helping make positive changes, and also that many of the people I have worked with have made very positive contributions to society as a whole. Coaching done well is not merely self interested new age clap trap!

The author also criticised self help for being a recent phenomenon and symptomatic of our ‘me-me’ times. Well, there she is definitely wrong! You only need to look back at some of the world’s philosophies to see that the idea of choosing how you view what is happening in the world (making the best of it) has a long and venerable pedigree. My personal self help model comes from a Stoic philosopher, Epictetus. He said:

“We are not touched so much by life events themselves but by the view we choose to take of them”

That surely is the founding statement behind all self help philosophies and he made that in AD55!

What do you think? Is self help, or coaching, or personal development indulgent nonsense which helps no one, or does it have a credible role to play in helping people change and achieve to their full potential? I think you can guess my view!

If you’d like to discuss further with me how our working one to one might enrich your life, do give me a call! My confidential number is 01761 438749 or you can use the contact page and I’ll call at a time convenient to you!

I Hate My Job!

Well, actually I don’t hate my job; I LOVE it. But there was a time when I was unhappy at work and really couldn’t see a way out. I was quietly miserable in a ‘good’ job that had ceased to float my boat and the only thing that was keeping me there was the financial security and the prospect of a pension. In time I would have become a sad and moany woman, muttering in corners about a mythical ‘them’ who set out to make life difficult for me (Bet you know someone like that!)

And then one day I woke up! Why was I wasting my precious life worrying about the future and wasting the now? Why was I assuming that whatever I did next would not be as good (and it has been so much better) Why did I think I should be grateful to have the job I had? And why did I think that because I was in my late 40s I was too old to do something different? None of that actually turned out to be true and fear was holding me back. Losing some of that fear literally changed my life!

Resolve to Be Fabulous!

I hear similar comments to those above from women at almost every organisational in house seminar I run. Usually followed by - ‘But you’re so lucky to be doing what you love’. Well, luck had very little to do with it. I worked hard and plotted and planned to get my dream job, and you can too!

I know the economic climate is not great at the moment and I am not saying that making change is easy. However, if you never make a start you’ll never get anywhere. Things will improve and you could be spending valuable time now making yourself fit and ready to grab the changes when they present themselves. You must have heard the phrase ‘Luck is a case of hard work meeting opportunity’

Resolve to put in the groundwork now! Work out what you want to do (my book will help). Make a list of all those who will support you. Plan to retrain if you need to, maybe nightschool, your own reading, or a sideways transfer. You could get get outside professional help like a good coach, or go on a course.  Whatever you do, don’t put it off until better times come along. Start to work on your fabulous future NOW!

Do You Keep A Diary?

There is a current radio programme where guests in the public eye are invited to read extracts from their teenage diaries and talk about their lives. Very courageous! I’d blush to my roots to air some of my teenage witterings in public…and my Mum might be listening!

It does, however, illustrate beautifully just how far they have come, how they have grown and developed over the years. It’s a real benchmark of their progress in life.

Now I am not suggesting that you air your innermost thoughts to the listening public (!), but in difficult times it can be very uplifting to remind yourself just how much knowledge and experience you have accrued over the years.

Feeling Low?

Next time those feelings of low self esteem invade your thoughts, or you get a knock back at work, take a few moments to reflect. In your mind’s eye conjure up an image of you as you were just before you entered full time employment. In my case, wet behind the ears and convinced I could save the world by being the best social worker ever. I was pretty sure that coming from my working class roots, with my 5 years of further education, meant I knew it all!

And of course, I didn’t. In retrospect I blush. My real learning began when I acknowledged that I didn’t know it all and that the people I worked with were adding in significant measure to my education.

You’ve Come a Long Way

It is almost impossible to go through life with out developing and learning but sometimes we don’t give ourselves enough credit for how far we have come. Whether you kept a diary or not, imagine you are on that radio programme. What knowledge and skills does your teenage self have? Contrast that with the knowledge and skills and experience you now have. Many of those skills, attitudes and knowledge will have been gained in the hard times. In fact, some of my best life learning (in retrospect) has come because of those hard times.

Try asking yourself this question: What three things would you tell your younger self from the perspective you now have on life?

Women and Confidence

I was listening to Deborah Meaden recently, a hugely successful businesswoman and member of the Dragon’s Den TV programme panel.

Deborah was asked why there are so few women in business at her level. She replied that lack of confidence in their own abilities was a huge factor. She used one image which rang so true from my coaching experiences. Deborah described a group of women at a networking or business event, all very successful high achievers. And she said, everyone of them will be wondering why they have been invited and are there in the company of such amazing women!

It is so true! I have spoken with countless women who have a ‘I will get found out one day’ feeling! They think that they are not as good as other people perceive them to be! We know this from research; women consistently undersell themselves on C.V.s, at interview, ask for less money for jobs, bank loans etc.

Come on women, time to sit up straight(!) and know your own worth. Deborah told you so and who are you to argue with her!

By the way, Deborah has a book out, Common Sense Rules which you can order via Amazon or any good bookshop!

An Easy Confidence Boost

It’s not usually that easy to acquire confidence; we normally do it over a period of time and by trying out things until we feel more confident doing them, like public speaking. 

But in 2009 researchers at Ohio Sate University discovered that our posture, as well as sending a message about our confidence levels to other people, can send one to us! 

University Study

The study included 71 students at Ohio State.  Participants were told they would be taking part in two separate studies at the same time, one organized by the business school and one by the arts school.

They were told the arts study was examining factors contributing to people’s acting abilities, in this case, the ability to maintain a specific posture while engaging in other activities.  They were seated at a P.C. and instructed to either sit up straight and push out their chest or sit slouched forward with their face looking at their knees.

Then the students participated in the business study, which supposedly investigated factors contributing to job satisfaction and professional performance.

Positive Traits

While holding their posture, students listed either three positive or three negative personal traits relating to future professional performance on the job. Once they’d done this, the students took a survey in which they rated themselves on how well they would do as a future professional employee. 

The results were amazing. The posture of the students had a very significant effect on the answers they gave. 

Stay Upright and Be Positive!

Students who held the upright, confident posture were much more likely to rate themselves in line with the positive or negative traits they wrote down. In other words, if they wrote positive traits about themselves, they rated themselves more highly, and if they wrote negative traits about themselves, they rated themselves lower.

Slouch Down and Be Negative!

However, students who assumed the slumped over, less confident posture, didn’t seem convinced by their own thoughts – their ratings didn’t differ much regardless of whether they wrote positive or negative things about themselves.  

Act ‘As If’

The message seems clear (at least if it is if research with students translates to the rest of us). Acting ‘as if’, i.e. sitting tall and confidently, actually can increase your positivity and along with that your confidence in your own abilities!

What’s your favourite confidence booster?

Problem Solving From New Angle – ReFrame!

When you get stuck with a problem try this technique – re-frame your issue!

The idea of re-framing has its roots in family therapy work, in helping people look at issues from a new perspective. When you are able to grasp a new perspective, issues which have been a worry can be seen in a different light, different options may appear, and that can help to lighten the load.

Take a Different You

So the next time you feel overwhelmed with a problem, at work or in your personal life, try looking at it from a different angle. You can even do this using different facets of your self. For example, what would the you at your most confident and assured think of this? What might a much older version of you think of this situation? Or what might your view of this have been when you were much younger? This will help you realise just how much knowledge and experience you’ve gained in life.

Pick a Person

Another way of using the reframing technique is to imagine how someone else would view the issue. Literally put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Using everything you know about them, or can imagine, try to hear what they would say or do about the situation. Would it be a bother to them? An exciting challenge? Would they tackle it head on or would they come at it obliquely? Would they even see it as a problem? If there is a colleague you particularly admire try and imagine how they would deal with the problem. It gives you options.

Reframing for Success

Many of the biggest successes and ideas have come from someone taking a new look at a what on the face of it might be a problem. Remember, Post It Notes, now found in every office, started life as failed glue until someone re-framed the problem!